My Rule of Thumb For Books

Yeah, don't judge a book by its cover, blah blah blah, but I've seen enough books at Target and Barnes & Noble to know not to purchase a book if the cover art in any way looks like the clipart they use for DoorDash, corporate websites and Powerpoint presentations.

I AVOID. Here are more examples:

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

"Your Madison Ivy Uber is here."

"Sure, he massacred everyone here, but you really have to look at the situation from his perspective. I feel a little sorry for him, to be honest."

"RUTH, WHERE ARE YOU?"

"As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again!"

"Well, that was a miserable hike. Shit, where's my car now?"

"Aren't you Jennifer Hudson?"

"Yeah, aren't you Milla Jovovich, and why are you wearing a ring light on your face?"

Spotted At Target

The 'Orphaned Protagonist' Movie Section

Yet More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Say your prayers, punk— I'm a priest, you see, so I'm supposed to urge you to pray more. But this time I mean it threateningly."

"Oh no! We're not done fighting zombies sexily— LET'S WIN THE GO!!!!"

"I love you Paige. Oh shit– I'm MARRIED already! D'oh!"

"Hi. This movie is actually a seminar for cryptocurrency. Gotcha!"

"Isiah Bin Laden? Finally a movie where Murda Pain isn't the dumbest name."

Bruce Willis Still Can't Believe He's In Movies

"What? We're finishing this trilogy now? Okay, I guess."

"If you told me 10 years ago I'd be in a movie with THE Cole Hauser, I wouldn't believe you."

"Okay, I put the hat on. You happy? Where's my paycheck?"

"Mark-Paul Gosselaar? Okay, sharing billing with Zack Morris from 'Saved By The Bell' is all you need to know about my film career now."

"Do you want me to look intense over here, or..."

"... over here? I can do both. Heck, use one each for a different movie– I don't give a shit."

Breaking: Some New Added Perks of an AMC Stubs Rewards Membership

Holy fuck, just when you thought being an AMC Stubs Rewards Member couldn't get any more tits, shit like this happens and your dick just gets even harder. Here are more perks to being a member, if you aren't already:

• Free escort to your car (bad neighborhoods only)

• Complimentary visor for when the screen is just too darn bright

• Samples at the concession stand of Kurt's latest edibles, dude

• Free swirly in the bathroom for nerds

• Free 8-piece sectional couch of your choosing (NO DELIVERIES)

• This here bottle of scotch/cough medicine

• Free handjob by either Tiffany (works Tuesdays) or Hank (works Sundays, Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays)

• We'll let you make out with any of our cardboard standees for 5 minutes, no judgements

• Stubs members can kick anyone out of the handicapped seating area, including handicapped people

Newly Added Perks of an AMC Stubs Rewards Membership

AMC in association with uncomfortable furniture are proud to announce the latest benefits to the massively successful AMC Stubs Rewards Program. New members as well as current cardholders can enjoy these new perks:

• Free flashlight to check out that Latina's ass

• Free neck pillow for any Terrence Malick movies

• The AMC Stubs app will electrocute you if you log into Netflix

• Personalized license plate: STUBBY ME

• AMC employees will let you try on one of their stinky vests

• The ability to suddenly know all of NaS's lyrics by heart

• You're still thinking about that Latina's ass, aren't you

• Free pair of pants that don't really fit you but they're so nice you'll take a pair, whatever

• Good times (not the show)

• We will teach you how to correctly use the phrase "gig economy" in a sentence

• Seriously, dude, that ass

Where "Testing The Limits" Falls On The EADJ Crappinuum

Enlarge to read:

As smut goes, "Testing The Limits" was pretty tame fare–no full penetration shots or close ups of balls on anyone's nose. But it was still spicier than most any of the other 30 movies we've reviewed on this fine blog.

Overall, it falls between James Van Der Beek's "Texas Rangers" and John Witherspoon's "Da Station", which doesn't tell you a lot about the relative quality, because really, they're all turds in the ferret cage.

As God is My Witness, I'll Never Be Pathmark Again.