UAG

The ProofrEADJer: Almost Halloween Edition

This week: several people have trouble spelling "cashew:"

An Imagined Conversation

The following is yet another continuation of another imagined conversation.

"Okay, Mike. I think I can stay awake another few minutes until we find each other."

"Good. Now look around and tell me what you see."

"I'm in front of the Life Planning Center. Ovulation kits, pregancy tests, stuff like that."

"Do you see a Delsym Cough Relief Center nearby?"

"No."

"Don't move, Sandy, and look closely. It's a big orange kiosk. I'm standing by it, waving."

"Wait, I think I see you, Mike."

"Really?!"

"Oh, no. That's not you. I'm by the Gift Card Center now."

"Goddammit, Sandy, you gotta stop moving. Let me come to you."

"Okay, I'll stop walking. I'm now at the Power Center."

"POWER CENTER??!! WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT, SANDY???!!!??!!"

Twitter's Least Used Hash Tags, Week of January 28

Here are this week's most underused Twitter hash tags. Feel free to throw any of these onto the end your Tweets:

#jackiejoynerkersee

#seminalvesiclescyst

#iwishicouldcomeout

#vomitingforfun

#hilariouschelseahandlerjokes

#foxnews4eva

#gettingweirdwithmysister

#filipinosaredishonest

#chubbcorporation

#fingering

I Don't Understand the Connection.

(Pictured above, an ad on Facebook that doesn't make any sense. I guess "LOST" does have that dog Vincent on it...)

Lifetime Nora Roberts Movie 2: High Noon

Our month of bad continues– albeit with a few glitches– and today we review last Saturday's second Lifetime Nora Roberts Original movie "High Noon," starring that guy from "Opposite of Love" and Claire from "LOST."

What I Thought The Movie Was About Based On the Poster: Ivan Sergei is a renegade, shirtless cop tracking down a jewel thief who turns out to be the blonde chick he's been banging. They have a lot of sex while still not totally trusting each other. Music by The Fray.

What The Movie Was Really About: Claire from "LOST" plays Lieutenant Phoebe McNamara, a hostage negotiator in a city that needs one on a regular basis. Her nemesis turns out to be some SWAT guy whose lover she accidentally let die. He stalks her, bombs a few locations, and naturally takes hostages at the jewelry store where he bought the engagement ring for his dead lover. She tricks him into standing up and a sniper takes him out. The end. Oh, also, Ivan Sergei plays the needy, thoughtful, and mandatorily WEALTHY love interest who makes tea for her and is put off to the side when her career takes a front seat.

What I Wish The Movie Was Really About: Two cops meet after their laundry loses both of their loads of clothes. A meteor shower comes and spectacularly destroys their city, so they seek shelter in an underground bunker with plenty of snacks and zombie DVDs, and they play XBox and fuck. They have a robot companion.

Nora Roberts Excellence: A useless role for Cybill Shepherd as Claire's agoraphobic mother. I thought her fear of leaving the house would somehow become a key plot point. Nope!

I also noticed from the two movies that Nora Roberts isn't doing straight up romance; she's inserting her shitty romance stories in more interesting genres like supernatural or crime. Sort of like a tofu burger- it's shaped to look delicious, but it's tofu.


----------Celebrity Damage Index----------

Ivan Sergei: Who? 0 pts. No harm, no foul.

Claire From "LOST": -14 pts. From a fantastic, intelligently written hit series to slumming with Nora Roberts is not a good career move. But it can't be all that terrible if I have yet to learn her name.

Cybill Shepherd: -20 pts. Her star has lost a little luster with this TV movie. But she has looked worse:




Overall rating: F

State of My Mangina: "Plump but Dry"

Special Guest Entry

Editor's Note: Beth Stone wanted to write an EADJ entry and EADJ pretty much blew off the suggestion until she actually sent in a fully-written bit. And she kept hounding us until we agreed to run it, even though we only pretended that we thought it was funny. So here it is. "Enjoy."


"Lost: A Horomonal Perspective"

The reasons for Lost's gravitational pull on viewers have been eagerly debated in the blogosphere. Perhaps it's unraveling the puzzles of how the characters get on, then off, then back on the island. Perhaps it's reveling in the rich basckstories. Perhaps it's rooting for love to prevail, with Des and Penny, Kate and Jack (and Sawyer and Juliet), Jin and Sun. I offer a theory that suggests that Lost is perhaps not all that different from, say, One Tree Hill. In two words: eye candy.


The producers have recognized the need to fulfill the TV watching desires of teenage girls (and ahem, mid-20s women) by feeding us with tantalizing moments of horomonal chocolate. With Sawyer, we eagerly anticipate his next half naked moment, though we also consider writing a kind but forceful letter to the producers with an Ab Master enclosed, suggesting Sawyer work a little harder on his pooch before the next shirtless scene. With Des, we close our eyes to hear the soothing words of "brutha" and "eyeeeeland" in his silky native tongue, and we contemplated licking the screen when he visited Oxford in his sexy scarf and aviators. With Daniel, we dream of a crossover episode with Beauty and Geek, giving him the makeover he so desperately needs to match his outer beauty with his emo-hotness. And the bear cage scene... that's soft core porn done right.


So the next time you watch Lost, let your mind wander, your eyes widen, your tongue hang out ever so slightly, and think about the gift of constant man sweat, bearded scruffiness, and emotional nakedness that JJ Abrams brought to the world. It'll hurt your brain a lot less than trying to figure out what the hell the show is really about.

Thank you.

Beth

Administar Wars, Episode 1

Andrew may be sick of it, but people continue to spot and report "Mister Wood," the alleged Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson.

Matt Webb captured this remarkable shot of Mister Wood this morning before work:


Ryan Boblett eagerly reported his sighting as well. Here is his write-up:
So I rode the elevator with the SFVOSP this morning. (matt webb is my witness. I think he got a pic too)

Here is what I learned:

- The man speaks with a nasty lisp. I'm not accusing him of being, "you know"...but he's not helping his case.

- Intrigued, I jumped off the elevator on 22 to follow him. He works at Adminastar Federal. I think they deal with Medicare.

http://www.adminastar.com/index.html

- He actually noticed me following him so he politely held the door for me. I pretended I was lost and he smiled.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSuper!
rb


Wow. Super big ups for Ryan for almost TRESPASSING for a little info. Ryan wins a Gold Mollusk award and a special notation on the list at the bottom of this page.

This is bordering on harassment.