The Constantly Changing Number of New Jersey Monthly's Top Dentists, and Three Theories

On the wall at my son's orthodontist's office, there are awards that brag that his orthodontist has made the year's Top Dentist five or six times, according to New Jersey Monthly Magazine.

The odd thing is that the number of Top Dentists changes wildly from year to year— from 624 to 603 to 565. What the hell? Why doesn't the magazine just keep a constant number, like the Fortune 500? Here are three theories of why they might do this: 

Note: These are just a blind theories and are not based on any verifiable facts, so don't sue us, New Jersey Monthly

Theory 1: The magazine is corrupt and demands TRIBUTE

Like the old Who's Who of High School Students racket, this is not so much a commendation as it is a shakedown. New Jersey Monthly tells hundreds of dentists across the state that THEIR NAME WILL BE PUBLISHED but they have to pay a hundred bucks or so to have that honor. So some dentists play ball and pony up but lots of others say "fuck that" and the number changes year to year. 

Theory 2: Someone who works at the magazine is hopelessly incompetent

There's an editor, production designer, editorial manager or publisher who every year is FUCKING IT UP for the Top Dentists feature. New Jersey readers have gotten used to the yearly announcement of the state's Top Dentists, but someone behind the scenes is fumbling it every time. Either they're losing the list of awardees or messing up the magazine layout software or getting their leg caught in the printing press. Something. Something that results in the deadline approaching, and the magazine throwing their hands up and saying, "Oh well. Tatum messed up again, so I guess we'll make this year's list only 593 dentists. Nice going, TATUM."

Theory 3: The magazine hates this one New Jersey dentist and is fucking with him/her

This is my favorite theory. I believe there's ONE DENTIST in New Jersey who was hugely unpopular among their class in dentist school—whether deserved or not—which has resulted in the publishers of New Jersey Monthly to perpetually exclude them from their Top Dentists list.

So this means that this unfortunate dentist is clearly competent, but because they make the list of Top Dentists every year, the magazine decides to just cut the list off right at their number.

What are YOUR theories?

EADJ Fashion Roundup: Sweet November Edition

Dang. That guy is like a CHERRY/CHERRY/LEMON on a slot machine.

Steve Zissou takes a smoke break–after bowling a game, apparently.

This lumbering beast of burden plowed three rows in Penn Station before Farmer Blake could plant next year's corn.

Look. It's Nick Nolte's mugshot.

This is either a wacky French cartoon or a very easy page of "Where's Waldo?'

This middle aged hipster still cruises Tinder and brews his own craft beer. Has he mentioned his Twitch Channel where he plays RDR2?

It's Just One of Those Days / Where You Don't Want to Wake Up / Everything is Fucked / Pathmark Sucks

This was at Walmart and I *swear* it's real:

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Second Week of March Edition

Who still uses Twitter anymore? Oh yeah, our stupid president.

Here are some dumb, unused hashtags that maybe he (or you) could use. Go nuts:

#antelopecum

#eatadickMalala

#bedazzledscrotum

#FerreroRocherballgag

#Republicancompassion

#thishashtagisacryforhelp

#AndrewRidgleyCDboxset

#CheesecakeFactoryworkerstrike

#checkoutthetitsonthatfeministicon

#bingewatchingBreakingBadwhileonmeth

#UncleRemustouchedmeinaninappropriateway

#Ivefitmyfistintomymouthbutnowitsstuckpleasehelpme

6 Lies Told By The Subway Nutrition Pamphlet

 

1) Subway doesn't usually serve philodendron leaves in their sandwiches. Well, maybe if they're out of lettuce.

2) Onions aren't in every single salad and sandwich. Unless that's what you want. Why do you like onions so much, by the way? Get away from me, Onion Lover.

 

3) Subway failed to mention the best "right choice," which is to not eat at Subway.

4) Middle column. They ran out of things to limit after oil because they just gotta have that double meat. Wink wink.

5) The 6" Turkey Breast is mistakenly under the heading "sandwich."

6) It turns out that Jared had never eaten the Italian B.M.T.® to lose the weight he lost back when he had lost some weight. He did, however, use it to prop open the door when the Dominos delivery guy would stop by to rub his shoulders. Nothing sexual or anything.


EADJ is proud to announce that the "6 Lies" series has been picked up by the Starz network for an original 14-episode season. Jay Baruchel, Blair Underwood, and Gemma Arterton have been in talks to star as the numbers "3," "4," and "6," respectively. Keep watching this space for the latest casting news! Starz. Taking You Places™.