EADJ Crappinema In The Wild

Pictured below: Hulu Plus features the previously-reviewed "Happy The Littlest Bunny" alongside "Reservoir Dogs."

There something perfectly normal about this association.

Coming Soon To Lifetime, Television For Women: "Walkway To Parking"

Everyone’s got something to hide and Donna Parks is no exception. Melissa Joan Hart plays Donna, a single mother living in a small New Jersey town who makes a shocking discovery: a shortcut to the parking lot from the bank. Her secret would send shockwaves through the community and possibly land her in no trouble at all if it was ever exposed. Donna's life as a single Mom is thrown into a world of confusion and intrigue as she struggles with her secret while keeping two kids busy and fed. Mother in one moment, stealthy shortcut gatekeeper the next. These two worlds couldn’t be farther apart, yet Donna's totally comfortable in both. Keeping them separate … now that’s the tricky part as she discovers she’s not the only one with secrets. 

Full Cast

Melissa Joan Hart as Donna Parks

Danielle Fishel as Donna's friend Max

David Coulier and Alanis Morissette as the nosy neighbors

Sam Elliott as the parking chief

Sundays at 2am/1 Central, Premiering Sept. 8

An Open Letter

Dear Billy Mays,

Hi, how are you? I am fine. You've never met me, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm kind of concerned for you. Based on your commercials and Home Shopping Network appearances, it seems to me that you might be going deaf.

Some friends of mine say you probably aren't losing your hearing. Your job, they say, requires that you be very vocal about whatever you sell, and being super-loud– to the point of giving people conniptions– is considered an asset, whether you're hocking OxiClean, Orange Glo, or some other unremarkable home-based cleaning product.

But I disagree with them. I don't believe that merchandise like the Lint-B-Gone Lint Brush, the Gopher Reaching Tool, and the AwesomeAuger Ground Auger, Weed Auger, and Power Extender Gardening Tools warrant the kind of thunderous shouting usually reserved for protesters at an abortion clinic. Sure, maybe the occasional "revolutionary breakthroughs" like Mighty Putty or Vidalia Slice Wizard do call for extra enthusiasm, but you seem to be stuck on full blast, giving the same bowels-releasing bellowing for the mediocre Handy Switch Remote Light Switches as you do the far-superior Steam Buddy Wrinkle Remover/Creaser.

So that is why I'm convinced you're suffering from tinnitus or some sort of middle ear hearing loss. In 1972 the U.S. EPA told Congress that at least 34 million people were exposed to sound levels on a daily basis that are likely to lead to significant hearing loss. And if you're screaming your goddamned head off like someone dropped a cinder block on your nuts all the time, Billy Mays, I can see why you might be getting a bit tin-eared.

But whether or not you're suffering from some aural malfunction, you're in danger of becoming a one-note singer, Billy. It defuses your credibility to be carrying on like a howler monkey during climax. Show some range, some restraint, so that we can tell if the Samurai Shark Knife Sharpener requires more or less attention than the E-Z Fly Yard Detector.

Or better yet, why don't you just keep on yelling like you are until you lose your voice forever. That'll do, too.

Best,
Eat A Dick Joel

An 80's Staple (An Aborted Rant)

You've heard the songs a hundred times. And as time goes by, they've become more novel or nostalgic. Maybe enough time has passed since they were first played to get more perspective on the songs, but I've just noticed something about a lot of 80's music: Their frequent use of saxophone solos is cheesy and HILARIOUS.

A quick list of sax solo action:

"Urgent" by Foreigner
"Caribbean Queen" by Billy Ocean
"Who Can It Be Now?" by Men At Work
"Love Theme from St. Elmo's Fire" by David Foster

***Editor Update***

Uh...this hasn't happened before, but apparently another blog has already covered this entire subject. Crap. Check out the excellent and thorough blog here.

So...um...ha ha. I was going to go on about not just the use of saxophone in solos, but in the general structure of the songs, too: Wham's "Careless Whisper," Glenn Frey's "The Heat Is On," etc. Then I was going to do a fake transcript of Foreigner writing "Urgent." Hm, yeah...

Hey, what's with the drive-thru at McDonald's? What is the deal with that?!

Huh? What's that, Pewter Bear?


Thanks, Pewter Bear. Your unsolicited kind words bring welcome comfort in my time of need. Thank you, Pewter Bear. Thank you so much. It's really appreciated.


Yeah. Go fuck yourself.