The Grammys!

Tonight, CBS presents the 408th Annual Grammys, celebrating the best in music for 2023-2024.

featuring performances by:

Hecklerlog

Sponch Deluxe

Gabby Filagree

Könsommé

1040-EZ & the Auditors

The Walter Grant Simonson, Jr. Auditory Adventure Explosion

Whack

At the Cusp of Employment

HAGGADAGGALAGGAYAGGA

Open Mic Night (which a very confusing band name for bookings)

Yuri & Abidemi Hate You

Some More Available (But Terrible) Porn Names

What's up, hot stuff? Welcome to the set! We’re ready to begin shooting your first scene, but first we'll need you to pick a porn name- something we'll use to indicate you in the credits. Here's a trucker hat full of porn names that you can pick from. Help yourself to any of it, but fair warning– a lot of these are pretty stupid: 

Him

Ben Ana Sling

Al O’Pecia

Basick Abel

Black Lives Matt R.

Outstanding Warren

Her

Liv LaughLove

Isabella Stinkhole

Frieda Lay

O’Hare Layover

Barba Sol

Olivia Flutin'-Dong

The ProofrEADJer, February Edition

The ProofrEADJer: Goodbye May Edition

This next one took a minute to understand. "Tombstone Sipeet?" Judging from the "Spooky Lane" below it, I figured the one above it should read "Tombstone Street," but some Chinese worker read the letters wrong and hand-wrote "Sipeet" instead.

And Now, A Public Service Message

"Hi. This is the voice of Alyssa Milano, star of 'Who's The Boss' and several hundred Maxim spreads in the 90s. I wanted to share with you some troubling news about one of our favorite snack foods, Animal Crackers and the way they are currently being abused by the nation's largest cookie manufacturers."

"Did you know that all four of the big cookie producers subject their Animal Crackers to degrading, unfathomable cruelty by forcing hundreds of them to cram into a cheap plastic container rather than a much roomier and classier cardboard-box-that-looks-like-a-circus-train-car? It's true."

"Much worse, did you know that almost 30% of all Animal Crackers end up being completely unrecognizable either through shoddy baking or unsafe packaging? 'Is that supposed to be a hippo or a cat?' Who knows? Who cares? I care."

"Please, for only $4500 a week, you can make sure that Animal Crackers such as these have enriched, happy lives before being mercilessly gobbled by a four-year old."

"I'm Alyssa Milano. And you can stand with me for this worthy cause. I mean, what else do you or I have to do this week? I'll pick you up at four."

♪ In the arms of the angels… ♫ 

The EADJ Crappinema Presents "Humanity's End," Starring Nobody And Directed By Nobody

Unlike books, you can easily judge a movie by its DVD cover.  The DVD sleeve for "Humanity's End" is a cheapo composite of spaceships and space soldiers with nobody's face on the front or back. (It's not like Sean Connery will somehow pop up in this bad boy.) This movie is actually part of the FBI's Witness Protection Program.

The following is verabatim dialogue from this scene:

Captain Derasi: Blue, keep me up to speed!

Computer: (mumbled) and they're closing.

Captain Derasi: Well, what can we throw at them?

Contessa: We can throw an engine at them.

Computer: No way.

Contessa: The starboard engine is gone. (mumbled) with a small detonator then blow it when they're near.

Captain Derasi: Brilliant. We'll do that. They'll be attracted to it like an alcoholic to a strip bar. Go do that.

The following line is verabatim dialogue from this scene:

Alicia: Mr. Tinkle carries sperm of the five of our greatest minds.

Overall grade: F