There's something gross and unsettling about eyeglasses ads. Maybe it's in the casting, like they chose people too beautiful to wear glasses or something.
Why doesn't this guy just get LASIK? He shouldn't be hiding his beautiful cheekbones like that.
This is more natural. But she still seems oddly alien and smug.
Oh, look. I found my lost Kraftwerk LP.
Good Lord. Creepy vacant smiles, sitting too close together, smiling in two different directions at nothing. I'd prefer mannequin heads or just the frames. GET ME OUT OF THIS STEPFORD WICKERMAN MIDSOMMAR NIGHTMARE
Andrew and Megan Gall have discovered and submitted what they believe is a third for this distinguished series: a drawing of Colonel Sanders feeding chicken to chickens:
Very horrifying. But before we posted this as an official third to the series, we ran this entry by the EADJ Anthropomorphism Judge Panel. What did they have to say about this entry?
Donatello Gru-Gru: "While I applaud the 'meta' quality of the piece, I just don't think that this can stand in the same category as the two other abominations. Good effort, though."
Alamance Condidor:"I can't say enough good things about this entry. It's composed well, it's delicious looking, and I really enjoy sickly jade green. But I'm going to have to say 'no' to this being in the same style as a Tooth With Teeth or your Hand With (Ball) Hands. Sorry."
S. Kelvin Turnless:"So many questions. Is he really feeding chicken to those oversized chickens? Is the Colonel actually oblivious to the angry giant roosters behind him, about to peck the soul out of his decrepit carcass? Who the fuck holds a chicken leg like that? Oh... the question about whether it should be with the tooth and the hand... no. Just, no."
Sorry, Andrew and Megan. Thank you for entering the art piece for consideration, but our judges have spoken, and as much as we would like to, we cannot allow "The Colonel Feeding Chicken To Chickens" to be included in future displays alongside "Tooth Brushing Its Teeth" and "Hand With (Ball) Hands." You now owe us $50 for processing fees.
• They throw a brick through your front window and say "tsk tsk tsk."
• They hire a goon to come smash the shit out of your mirrors. And he takes the seven years bad luck because he ain't no snitch.
• They run over your dog and make some clumsy joke about being blind and seeing eye dogs and you needing new blinds.
• They tell you that there's some really cool, amazing stuff happening outside your window but that you need new $1200 panes to really appreciate it.
• Three words: MICHAEL BAY WINDOWS.
• They threaten to give away the plot details of the "Homeland" episode you're watching unless you invest in some insulated windows which are surprisingly easy to open and clean when you really try them out. You should really give it a try unless you want to hear that Brody was framed for the bombing of CIA headquarters.
• They give you the finger inches from your face as they estimate, order, repair and invoice the window job for you.
• They "repair" your cracked coffee table glass top with Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka's ass in a sweet version of his "Superfly Splash."
• They start a drawn out, expensive war under false pretenses, linking a terrorist attack to a completely unrelated foreign country that they wanted to invade in the first place for their oil wells.
Spotted in the latest issue of The Source, a series of strip ads for Colgate that are tips on "How To Keep It Fresh:" Tips that include using the product...
Complimenting your date...
Paying for the check...the WHOLE check...
What?! Did a major toothpaste brand just say that black men were cheap?
Yes, I think they just did say that black men were cheap. And that black people don't have noses, either. And that a black man smiling resembles a brown motorcycle helmet.
Newton Minow once referred to a day of watching television as "a vast wasteland" to the National Association of Broadcasters in 1961. Even then, he had no idea how far TV had to fall.
Here's a tiny sampling of how bad TV has curdled:
The Discovery Channel Then: Documentaries on science, technology, and history Today: Reality shows (Dirty Jobs, Mythbusters, American Chopper)
MTV Then: Tons of music videos, Mark Goodman rambling, Martha Quinn looking adorable Today: Reality shows (The Hills, My Super Sweet 16, Paris Hilton's My New BFF)
The Learning Channel Then: The Learning Channel: "A Place for Learning Minds" Documentaries on nature, cooking, and home improvement Today: Now TLC:"Life Unscripted" Reality shows (Junkyard Wars, What Not To Wear, Jon & Kate Plus Shoot Me in the Fucking Face With a Shotgun)
I'm anxiously waiting for reality shows to die forever. Because I can't justify buying a widescreen TV just to watch banal repetitive shit like this (feel free not to watch the whole thing):
Purgatory is full of reality stars, all milling about and not making friends. And definitely not reading.
*EDITOR'S NOTE: I realize "National Lampoon's European Vacation" is not a reality show. It just fits in with the theme of TV going to hell.
Most men who grew up in the 80's remember the "Haulin' Ass" poster. Some had it hanging on their wall or basement, and some had seen it for sale at their local Spencer's Gifts Store. This enduring classic from 1986 depicting four bikini'd women in high heels standing in the bed of a truck with the caption "Haulin' Ass" has recently been inducted into the new poster archive section of the Library of Congress. EADJ tracked down the four women who posed in this perennial favorite in four retrospective interviews.
Barbara Cassidey, 40, Gym Manager "Yeah, I remember that shoot. It was a mild August afternoon in Taylor, Michigan, which is just outside of Detroit. A good friend of mine knew the photographer and volunteered me. I thought it was for a commercial or a movie, so I got my hair and face made up. But then they told me to just show my ass. Kind of lame. The guy didn't even clean the truck."
Deborah Galveston, 43, Financial Advisor at The U.S. Department of Labor "Shit. This is what you're interviewing me for? A 22-year old photo? Goddamn, I've moved on. I've built a fucking life and a fucking family and shit. Motherfucking poster that I never got paid for, cheap-ass asshole photographer snaps a picture of my ass, and I never hear from him again. Fuck. You know what? Fuck you. Get out."
Candace Bettermin, 39, Radio Promoter, (Deceased) Unfortunately, Candace Bettermin passed away in 2006 from injuries sustained in an accident at a promotional event for a local radio station in Wichita, Kansas. An oversized fiberglass tooth fell on Bettermin as she was swinging from a chain below it. She was wearing the pink bikini and heels that had made her so famous.
Maya Angelou, 80, Poet and Activist "Yes, few people realize that I was the fourth girl in that famous photo. I was 58 at that time, can you believe that? It's funny. I was in town for a book signing of my latest collection of poems, "All God's Children Need Traveling Shoes," and my agent had told me she'd scheduled an additional appearance in an alley behind a Fuddrucker's. I was hesitant but once I put on those heels, I knew it was a good thing. Why, years later, I wrote a poem about the experience. I think it was called either Welcoming The Sun Into Your Arms or Exposing My Ass In The Back Of Someone's Ford F-150. I forget which."
Copies of the "Haulin' Ass" poster are still on sale at Amazon under the title "Women In Truck," although if you look closely at the title of the webpage window, it's under the category "Kitchen & Dining."
