EADJ Pun Police: Kid Kop Edition

I'm Sergeant Tobey Haskins and I'm here to round up all the bad pun suspects and throw 'em in a jail! You better watch out with your dumb wordplays, criminals!

"Now screaming?" It's not too bad, plus it fits the content. I'll let them off with a warning."

"Bin There Dump That?" That's a very punny title. I sentence you to 5 minutes in my treehouse jail with NO Kool-Aid privileges! Watch yourself next time."

"As Gouda As It Gets?! Oh this is AWFUL. I know what gouda cheese is, because my mom let me taste some at Aunt Eunice's dinner party. I didn't like it, just like I DON'T LIKE THIS BAD PUN. Everybody gets a bonk on the head from my nightstick. JUSTICE WILL BE DONE."

"Calling all cars! Calling all cars! I need backup at the gift card section of Barnes and Noble! Officer has been exposed to THREE very bad puns and we need backup! Bring the SWAT team and shoot on sight! Surround the store and surrounding buildings for a 3 block radius. BRING EVERYONE!"

6 Lies Told By The "Street Sense" Brochure, Handed Out By My Local Police

Some cops (at least I think they were cops)  handed these poorly-photocopied brochures out at my local train station in New Jersey. This shit is riddled with lies.

1) If it's common sense, how come you have to print and hand out brochures about it?

2) Walking across a supermarket parking lot with your feet in shopping bags is NOT common sense.

3) "Trust your instincts." Jesus Lord. There are so many stupid, misguided, immature, delusional, and bat-shit crazy people out there already trusting their instincts, that it renders this advice useless.

4) "Don't pick up hitchhikers. Don't hitchhike. Period." Exception: if it's a really, really sexy hitchhiker wearing Daisy Dukes shorts with nobody hiding behind the bush directly behind her, it's totally okay.

5) "If someone harasses you, don't be embarrassed. Loudly say 'Leave me alone!' If that doesn't work, hit the emergency device." LIES. There is no emergency device on a bus. That is a cord telling the driver to drop you off so you can get mugged off her bus.

6) Why is the National Crime Prevention Council illegally copying clearly COPYWRITTEN MATERIAL? Are they above the law? Also, a photocopy is not always printed on recycled paper. Lies lies lies.

EADJ is proud to announce the Six Lies Told LEGO set, available exclusively at Discovery Center and this website. This enjoyable LEGO playset features 5 custom lying mini-figures, an underwater vehicle, a shark, and over 500 individual pieces of false information. Start lying today!

Spotted in Union, NJ

Creepy sleepy-eyed children + vaguely militaristic/homoerotic policeman = fantastic airbrushed mural

Woof.

I found this CD at Whole Foods in Jersey:

"Through A Dog's Ear: Music To Calm Your Dog in the Car"


The CD promises music that will calm any dogs with "automobile anxiety" while still keeping the driver awake and aware. Presumably, this CD is supposed to keep your dog from pissing and puking all over your interior. So me being the morbidly curious soul, I bought the damn thing and popped it into the car's stereo, even though I don't own a dog. I, however, piss and puke often.


Track 1 was Chopin's Andantino Prelude in A Major, which we all know from his famous 24 Preludes, Op. 28. The piece was one of dozens that Chopin composed while spending the winter of 1838 in Valldemossa, Majorca with his friend novelist George Sand and her children to escape the damp weather of Paris, but it bears the distinction of being written in the style of a mazurka (bearing the unofficial title "The Polish Dancer") in 3/4 time. but why am I boring you with information that you already know? Duh.


After that "mazurka from Majorca" (my unofficial title for it. Tee hee!), Track 2 was Brahms' Intermezzo, which was a workmanlike recording, at best. The piano playing was plangent yet wooden, and the overall tempo seemed a bit too languid to really get a sense of upright serenity that Brahms aimed for. And I didn't expect T-Pain to sing over the second half, either.


Yes, the rest of the tracks were soothing as well. If I were a dog, I'd be properly calmed down. But the question now is, what kind of music would do the opposite of this CD? Well, we at EADJ have taken the liberty to compile what that CD would sound like!

Click here (iTunes Music Store link) to experience "Through A Dog's Brain: Music To Agitate Your Dog in the Car."

Bouncy Bouncy Sexy Time.

The following is an account of an actual encounter between Joel and a Los Angeles policeman:

COP: License and registration.

JOEL: What?

COP: License and registration, please.

JOEL: Have I done something?

COP: Do you know why I've stopped you sir?

JOEL: You didn't. I was parked here.

COP: (pause) Oh.

(awkward pause)

COP: Do you know why I'm talking to you?

JOEL: No, why?

COP: Because you're parked in a loading zone.

(writes ticket, hands to Joel)

JOEL: Is parking the jurisdiction of Highway Patrol?

COP: Hmm. Probably.

JOEL: Why did you check the box that said "Speeding in a school zone?"

COP: It's the only one that said "zone."

JOEL: It's 6 points on my license and $500.

COP: Hey, is that a Meximelt you're eating?

JOEL: Why do you have your penis out?

(pictured above, the latest nonexercise-nonclass taught at Crunch)

*EADJ Police Blotter*

• At 8pm on Tuesday, a call was placed complaining of a trespasser behind the city dump. Officers investigated the scene to find Joel fighting with a bunch of seagulls over an abandoned dick. Joel was let off with a warning.

• A domestic dispute in Falun Gong Heights turned out to be just Joel eating dick really loudly and furiously. Joel was let off with a warning.

• Police responded to a 480 call in uptown when a pedestrian was struck by a hit-and-run driver. EMT's were on the scene to administer aid to the victim, and Joel was later in the ambulance furiously administering dick-eating. Joel was let off with a warning.

• Police were called on a 10-66 call at the flea market on the campgrounds. The suspicious person was not in fact a terrorist but Joel furiously eating dick through a ski mask. Joel was let off with a warning.

Stay tuned to EADJPD for the latest in Joel-related dick eating news.