“Life Shrinks or Expands in Proportion To One's Pathmark.”

A Trash Entry

Spotted in Union, NJ: A dumpster that I imagine is really fun to throw shit into, provided you yell "HUDACKO!" when doing so.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SAFE FROM TASK CHAIR

WAKE UP, YOU LIMP-DICKED PUSSIES

TASK CHAIR IS BACK WITH A VENGEANCE, AND YOU ARE A SIMPERING FUCKWAD IF YOU THINK YOU WON'T BE PRODUCTIVE UP IN THIS BITCH

GET MAD, COCKSUCKERS

TASK CHAIR HAS ALL THE ADJUSTABILITY AND COMFORT OF AN AERON CHAIR WITHOUT YOU MORTGAGING YOUR FUCKING HOUSE FOR ONE. FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, IT COMES IN A CARDBOARD BOX. SO YOUR FIRST TASK IS TO PUT THAT MOTHER TOGETHER WITH YOUR BARE HANDS, YOU HESITANT FUCK.

GET YOUR TO-DO LIST READY, YOU UNPRODUCTIVE FUCK-BAGS. SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET DONE AROUND THIS DUMP.

TAKE YOUR DAD'S DICK OUT OF YOUR HAND AND ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVES, CUZ TASK CHAIR WILL BE GODDAMNED IF NOTHING GETS DONE IN THE NEXT FEW HOURS

TASK CHAIR IS HERE TO CLEAN HOUSE

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON. TASK CHAIR IS BACK TO SET YOUR PUSSY SPINELESS ASS BACK ON TRACK.

NO, NOT LATER. WE'RE DOING THIS SHIT NOW. TASK CHAIR DOESN'T HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO FINISH YOUR ZIMA AND PUT YOUR DIAPHRAGM BACK IN. GET SHIT DONE NOW, DAMMIT.

DON'T THINK YOU GOT IT IN YOU? WHAT THE FUCK DOES TASK CHAIR CARE WHAT YOU'RE CAPABLE OF? YOU'RE SIMPLY A MEANS BY WHICH TASK CHAIR GETS TASKS ACCOMPLISHED. CAN'T YOU SEE YOU HAVE NO SAY IN THE MUTHAFUCKIN' MATTER? CHEESE.

FUCK YOUR DADDY. TASK CHAIR IS MAKIN' SHIT HAPPEN, WITH OR WITHOUT YOU. AND WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT SONG BY U2, ALTHOUGH TASK CHAIR ENJOYS PARTS OF THAT SONG.

THE TRIUMPHANT MOTHERFUCKING RETURN OF TASK CHAIR

LOOK ALIVE, PUSSIES

YOU BETTER COME CORRECT AND GROW A PAIR, BECAUSE TASK CHAIR WILL SPANK YOUR BABY-POWDERED ASSES SOON

WITH A BLACK AIRMESH FABRIC FOR YOUR OVERSENSITIVE ASS

AND PNEUMATIC SEAT HEIGHT ADJUSTMENT FOR YOUR FASTIDIOUS, PICKY ASS

DURABLE FIVE-STAR BASE WITH DUAL WHEEL CASTERS FOR YOUR FAT ASS

BUT WATCH OUT, FATTY. THE WEIGHT LIMIT HERE IS 150 LBS. SO EITHER PUT DOWN THE CHALUPA OR FUCKING KEEP STANDING, MARTHA DUMPTRUCK. TASK CHAIR IS NOT "LABORS OF HERCULES" CHAIR. THAT WAS A LITERARY REFERENCE FOR YOUR DUMB ASS. WHY ARE YOU SUCH A PUSSY? 

TASK CHAIR DOESN'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT. IT ARRIVES AT YOUR HOME OFFICE ON WEDNESDAY. SO TAKE YOUR FIST OUT OF YOUR UNCLE'S ASS AND MAKE SOME FUCKING SPACE FOR IT. TASK CHAIR OUT.

HIGH BACK TASK CHAIR HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

LISTEN UP PUSSIES

PUT DOWN THE PEN YOU'RE STICKING UP YOUR VAGINA, CUZ THIS SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL

HIGH BACK DESK CHAIR IS HERE TO BOTH SUPPORT YOUR WEAKLING BACK AND HELP YOU GET SHIT DONE, SON.

WITH ADJUSTABLE ARMRESTS AND NEWLY-ADDED LUMBAR SUPPORT, THE AMOUNT OF SHIT YOU CAN GET ACCOMPLISHED JUST QUINTUPLED, YOU SAGGING, FAILING COCKSUCKERS.



MESH BACK, CHECK.

ADJUSTABLE HEIGHT, CHECK.

TILT BACK FUNCTION? YES, BUT FUCK THAT SHIT. YOU ARE GOING TO BE GOING WHITE-KNUCKLE SERIOUS WITH THE AMOUNT YOU'RE SCRATCHING OFF YOUR TO DO LIST. FUCKING KILL THAT STACK OF TIMESHEETS. FUCKING DECIMATE THOSE EXPENSE REPORTS. FUCKING FUCK THE FUCKING FUCK OUT OF THAT BUDGET SPREADSHEET. GODDAMN, WHAT A RUSH, RIGHT? THAT SHIT FEELS GOOD, GETTING ALL THAT SHIT SERVED.

HIGH BACK WILL CATCH YOU WHENEVER YOU GO, "FUCKING SNAP, LOOK AT ALL THE SHIT I JUST GOT DONE!" AND GET BLOWN TO THE BACK OF YOUR OFFICE SPACE. HIGH BACK TASK CHAIR HAS GOT YOUR BACK AND YOUR ASS, YOU FUCKING SNIVELING CUNTRAG.

BE A MAN AND FUCKING PARK YOUR HIPS IN THIS SHIT. GET SHIT DONE. DONE.

TASK CHAIR AIN'T THROUGH WITH YOU YET BITCH

(Visual by Andrew Gall)


HEY PUSSY

THOUGHT YOU WERE DONE WITH TASK CHAIR? THAT'S CUTE. YOU THINK YOU'VE MOVED ON, BUT FACT IS, YOUR SORRY ASS STILL NEEDS A TASK CHAIR.

SO SIT YOUR PUSSY ASS DOWN ON YOUR INFERIOR CHAIR AND LISTEN TO THIS SHIT. YOU'LL GET TASKS DONE RIGHT LIKE A BOSS IN A TASK CHAIR. BALANCE YOUR CHECKBOOK, DONE. COMPLETE TIME SHEETS, BOOM, DONE. SHIT, COMPLETE A SUDOKU FOR ALL I CARE, WHO GIVES A TOM FUCK. BOTTOM LINE IS, YOU WILL COMPLETE TASKS.

ARE YOU LISTENING, YOU SIMPERING PUSSY?

YOU NEED TO CLEAN OUT YOUR BITCH EARS AND STOP DAYDREAMING BECAUSE SHIT LIKE THAT IS WHAT'S KEEPING YOU FROM WINNING. TASK CHAIR WILL DRAG YOUR DUMB-ASS OUT OF THAT FUNK AND SET YOU STRAIGHT. STOP BEING SUCH A NON-PRODUCTIVE PUSSY.

I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID ABOUT COMPLETING A SUDOKU. THAT SHIT IS FRIVOLOUS PASTIME BULLSHIT THAT WILL GET YOU NOWHERE. DO I NEED TO SLAP YOU AWAKE, YOU COCKSUCKER?

LONG STORY SHORT, GET A TASK CHAIR AND FUCKING RAPE THAT TO DO LIST. SEACREST OUT.

Uncomfy Chair

Our producer Beny attempts to keep it together as she samples the fabled Hula Chair.



For context, here's the original infomercial:



And for some reason you want to buy one, click here.

Project Fountain Has Been Suspended

Mainly due to the fact that the Old Bridge Deli has been closed AGAIN for tax evasion or lack of payment or whatever the hell shady shit is going on over there. No word yet on if any friends in the fountain have been removed by the tax man. But today I go milkless. Stinkerooni.

Let's Smoke the EADJ Mail Sack!

(submitted by Tom Weingard, via email)
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"I met a dude on the chairlift in aspen who’s from around where I’m from in philly and I gave him my email because he said his nephew was looking for ad agencies in nyc, who I have since helped. The dude went out there on a trip by himself which I thought was ballsy and I immediately thought ’gay’, but of course I don’t know. Then he sent me this recently after having a couple email passes...

Where do you work anyway. What do you do again?
Something in advertising right.

I am a Banker. I have a pretty good job. I cannot complain about money. I am overpaid really.

I travel an hour each day so that part is expensive with the gas.
I'm 42. I have a house. I bet you are under 30. Do you rent an apartment in NY? The funny thing is we had our ski stuff on the time I met you and all I remember is you were taller than me I think with dark hair. Not sure really.

I don't have lots of money or anything but I have the use of credit cards. I figure what am I saving my money for anyway.
Get out to Aspen again. What is it a money issue???

Well I will talk to you later.

*name*

Is this dude trying to hit on me?"

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What do YOU think, dear reader? Frankly, I can't think of anything straight that can come after "I met a dude on a chairlift."

Also, who the fuck writes down someone's email on a chairlift?