Announcement: New AMC Stubs Rewards!

AMC is thrilled to share the latest perks for cardholders of its wildly successful Stubs program. Here are what members can expect soon:

• That rat in Theatre 6 has been caught and removed

• Our staff has agreed not to make creepy eye contact with you while buttering your popcorn

• We can call your mom to pick you up when the movie is over

• One free murder alibi

• If you want, we can separate the Mikes from the Ikes for you

• Free helmets for any 4D Michael Bay movie

• To make it more like a home theatre experience, we will periodically peek in and nag you to take out the trash

• New glory holes in all rows

Upcoming Conspiracies For 2023 From InfoWars

Angry, gullible dumb guys have a lot to look forward to this new year. Here are some stories that Alex Jones and his writers are getting ready for them:

• Office Max is selling literal WOKE AGENDAS in their stationery section

• Since they have mostly voted Republican, Iowa voters will soon wake up with a free "Freedom iPad" under their pillow

• Some breeds of cat have the ability to walk on 5G frequencies to heaven to say hello to your Maw-maw

• When black people say the words "haunt me" really fast, it sounds like they're saying something else

• Events in history will now be referred as either "B.P.G" (before Pizzagate) or "A.P.G." (after Pizzagate)

• High blood pressure makes you smarter

• The band Paramore is pretty talented, but not as talented as Alter Bridge or Led Zeppelin

• Tim Pool has a beautiful, lush head of hair under that beanie cap

Smecial Dreams Entry

From Andrew: 

From my friend Mig:

And another one from Andrew: 

Some Upcoming Conspiracy Theories From InfoWars

 

Hey, you're stupid, right? So that means you probably listen to Alex Jones over at InfoWars and buy into whatever dumb, peremptory conspiracy narrative he vomits into the airwaves. If so, you're in luck! Because the head writers at InfoWars have deigned to share with EADJ some of their upcoming storylines. Enjoy!

• Everyone working at PetSmart is actually a pet for the real owners of the company, THE LIZARD PEOPLE

• When you say "bless you" to someone who sneezes, what you're really doing is an incantation spell to invoke Azathoth, ruler of the Outer Gods!

• 01000101 01110110 01100101 01110010 01111001 01101111 01101110 01100101 00100111 01110011 00100000 01100010 01110010 01100001 01101001 01101110 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110111 00100000 01101111 01101110 01101100 01101001 01101110 01100101

• Minnie Mouse is really just Mickey Mouse from another timeline in drag

• Donald Duck is really just Daisy Duck from the future in drag

• City sewer workers tag your poop and give the information to the census to calculate how much corn you eat

• Scott Baio has been blacklisted from Hollywood not because of his political views but because he still parts his hair down the center

• Monsanto has engineered a seed that cannot grow into anything. It looks remarkably like a rock.

• The Portuguese moon base is falling apart, but you haven't heard about it because Portugal's NASA controls everything past the Earth's atmosphere