Meanwhile, At the Gaslight Brewery & Restaurant...

"Okay, Mel, I'll see you later."

"Wait, where do you think you're going?"

"I just finished my shift, Dan. I'm clocking out."

"No, you said you'd work a double today, remember?"

"Uh, no Dan. I never said that."

"You did. Thursday, September 19, you said you'd work a double shift to make up for your absence on the 4th."

"No no no. I would've put that in the calendar weeks in advance. I have a..."

"You SAID you'd put it in the calendar, too, but I guess you forgot to. Still, you have to work this double since you promised. Better get those apps to tables 5 and 8."

"What is happening here? You're saying I verbally promised to work when I never do that? Then this calendar which clearly doesn't have me on after 6pm is wrong for the very first time?"

"Table 5 has the artichoke dip and 8 gets the chicken skewers. Chop chop."

(mutters) "This fucking place, man."

Ice Water Was Mad.

Ice Water was mad.

Vicks Humidifier yawned.

Mustachioed Folding Chairs tried to smile.

Blue Crate tried to hide from it all.

Tree Bag Snail looked nervous.

Refrigerator looked shocked.

Sconce and Vent avoided eye contact.

Evil Amazon Box cackled evilly.

Bearded Backpack was baffled.

Overlook Medical Center asked for a little off the top.

Hidden Play Rug Skull waited for his moment.

Three gentlemen on the roof drank from straws.

Quarter King looked sad about it all.

And the House That Looked Like Cathy just said "Ack!"

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Every Luxury Car Commercial Voiceover

You know the voice. The smug white guy voice belonging to a well-known actor that reads the voiceover with a smile in his delivery like he just fucked your wife on YOUR BED.

That confident voice can describe abstract concepts like innovation, engineering, or luxury, or more concrete (but boring) features like an aspirated 5.0-Liter V8, adaptive steering, or predictive forward collision warning. And by the way, he just fucked your wife on YOUR BED.

Man, do you want to slap that guy once he steps out of the recording booth. But you can't. Because he's already jetting to Ibiza on a G6 using a flute of champagne to wash YOUR WIFE'S PUBES off his dick.

This entry sponsored by your local Lexus dealer.

The EADJ Lost Weave Report

Editor's note: The EADJ Lost Weave Report is a periodic run-down of errant, unclaimed hair weaves and hair-like objects that are found around the tri-state area. This is our first report:

Location: Walgreens, Union, NJ

Weave Spotted: Clump of hair with piece of leaf and part of toothpick

Action Taken: Put in envelope, mailed to Ashley Olsen (not Mary-Kate)

Location: The Prudential Building, Newark, NJ

Weave Spotted: Mass of spindly hair rolling on the sidewalk, also possible string

Action Taken: Given a stern lecture on loitering. Sent to the library to look for work

Location: On steps of subway, Financial District, NYC

Weave Spotted: Possible rat remains tangled with lollipop wrapper and stick

Action Taken: Sold it $45 million in credit default swaps against various vulnerable subprime deals

Location: Golden Corral parking lot, Frederick, MD

Weave Spotted: Clipped ponytail or piece of dream catcher

Action Taken: Brought back into Golden Corral, dropped into the New England Clam Chowder

Spotted on Route 22 In Union, NJ

Here's a truck for a company called "Poppy LLC," featuring a gangsta kid with his baggy pants hung low, inspiring confidence everywhere.

At closer inspection, it turns out "POPPY" stands for "Paycheck Owed Phone Poppy You." What.

For one thing, you can't have the name of the acronym IN the acronym. And what the bing bong shit does "Paycheck Owed Phone Poppy You" mean?

THIS IS THE WORST CAMOUFLAGE FOR A SECRET GOVERNMENT OPERATION EVER.

***Update: I turned on the ol' Google machine and searched for "Poppy LLC." The first result didn't seem like the same company, but the fifth result scarily showed that I wasn't far off:

Poppy Llc is an acitve (sic) carrier operating under United States Department of Transportation (USDOT) Number 2505095. Carrier is licensed to carry hazmat rated materials from the general freight, cargo categories.

HOLY SHIT THAT TRUCK DROVE RIGHT BY ME I'M GOING TO DIE