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The ProofrEADJer: September Edition!

A Pretty Dumb Experiment

I tried something today. I played the YouTube clip "9 Year Old with AMAZING VOICE Sings National Anthem!!!" to the Dragon Dictation app on my phone to see what would happen. 

Here is the clip in its entirety:

After recording the audio for a good 2 minutes, the Dragon Dictation app started to process and hopefully transcribe the lyrics. And here is the result of all that processing:

STUPIDITY ACHIEVED!

If You Only Knew How Much I Lobsterfest® You

Lobsterfest® is so prevalent these days that CEOs of corporations are coming out of retirement to enjoy the corporate discount we're offering for all the scrumptiously moist but tender lobster deals at Red Lobster. (This entry was written after 5 beers at a beer garden for lunch.)

• We blast the hell out of some down-lows and craigies, then tilt the shit out of the upper wakies like we're totally gonna max the shit out of the whole thing, then we bring it riding down at the last second before totally whaling the hell out of it before it burns out! Now that's a totally incomprehensible and non-sport specific way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

•  One of those parade floats from the Rose Bowl. Yeah, one of those. You take one of those bad boys, then you load it up full of frozen lobster meat and trot it out during a hot summer day (preferably June because that's our most available month). Then you get a megaphone and invite all the kids in the neighborhood to come out and eat the hell out of the oozing, thawing lobster meat while their adoring parents look on in nostalgia of when they did that back in the day. Hell, fuck if that ain't a goddamned shit way to fucking rock the lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We buy a Kermit the Frog puppet from a department store, then stuff its ass full of lobster and butter packets and hide at the airport, near arrivals. When a minor celebrity or reality show star shows up, we wave the Kermit puppet so that they go, "Hey, it's Kermit!" and come over excitedly. Then when they hug it too hard, loads of delicious lobster meat and butter come flying out of Kermit's mouth, raining on everyone in the airport, including the porters. Now that's certainly an unusual but approved way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at LAX.

• Simon Peter said to them, “I am going fishing.” They said to him, “We will go with you.” They went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing.- John 21:3
We add to this Bible verse that Simon Peter and his buddies then came over to their local Galilee Red Lobster to enjoy jalapeno shrimp fritters and a medium drink for $6.99. Red Lobster, Lobsterfest®, a canal. Panama.

• We confiscate everyone's driver's license at the restaurant and put them in a velvet bag. We ship the bag to a sherpa who loads it onto their pack llama and walks it to the top of the tallest mountain in Nepal. Once they have reached the summit of the mountain, he picks fourteen of the licenses from a bag, scans each one with a hand scanner, then emails the list to our manager. Our manager then finds each of the fourteen patrons and asks how their meal is. Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster can be enjoyed this way if you really think about it.

EADJ Crappinema Recap for Jeremy's Family Reunion

So "Jeremy's Family Reunion" did pretty well overall compared to other Crappinema movies- it's easily the top-rated movie in both the comedy and "urban" movie categories, which is surprising, because I hated it. I guess I just hated all the other ones more.

Still, it's gonna be hard to not hate a movie as much as I didn't hate "Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus." That movie was almost awesome.

Spotted At Barnes & Noble

Why am I typing. Do I even need to add any text to this. No. The photo says it all. It is hilarious enough. Typing anything to accompany the photo would only detract from its perfection, its beauty. Its utter hilarious, head-shaking horribleness. And the ongoing horrible, horrible trend that's happening in movies and bookstores, thanks to millions of teenyboppers: publishers are cranking out crap novellas catering to that exact audience. And inevitably, these ripoffs of that terrible book to begin with will be even terrible-er.

Oh, did you notice the cover artwork on the books. Yeah, I thought you would. Totally emo, sensitive dude. It looks like either variant covers- or a more terrifying possibility- an entire series of shitty vampire teen novellas. Which means if they sell well, you'll soon be seeing trailers for the movies based on these terrible novellas in theatres soon. Starring terrible Robert Pattinson clones playing sensitive teenage vampires who somehow walk around in the daylight.

Vampires. It's an entire genre now at the bookstore. These things will breed like mushrooms, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Man.

UAG

Coming Soon to the EADJ Crappinema: Incident On A Dark Street

"A small-time hood is murdered just as he is about to blow the whistle on an organized crime ring."

At first I was weighing the options between "Incident On A Dark Street's" mob crime drama vs. "A Tattered Web's" detective crime drama, but then I noticed WILLIAM SHATNER IN A 'STACHE. Holy fucking hell we are DOING THIS, people!


Stay tuned. Hopefully it won't take 4 months like "Jock of the Motherfucking Bushveldt."

When I Say Dragon, You Say Force

Finally, some scientific proof of how hard DragonForce rocks:

Halfway through a morning run the other day, my iPod Shuffle played "Strike of the Ninja," a special edition bonus track off of DragonForce's newest album "Ultra Beatdown."

As you can see in the progress chart below, my performance improved markedly during that one rocking song, boosting my overall pace to 8 min 13 sec per mile and helping me save the youth center.


I'm not quite sure whether it was the 178 beats per minute of Dave Mackintosh's drumming, Herman Li's furious guitar solo licks, or ZP Theart singing the inspiring lyric "Standing strong together, marching forever on / Fire in the heavens, now that our time has come," but maybe it was a little of all of them. A veritable Voltron of awesome kickass awesomeness.

Thank you, DragonForce, for rocking my ass to the next level! Kudos, cheers, and huzzah!

You too can order "Strike of the Ninja" from iTunes here.

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: Somewhere Tomorrow

Some movies, just by being bad, are a waste of time. But it's pretty unforgivable when a movie intentionally wastes your time. Somewhere Tomorrow is guilty of setting up a storyline, leading you down it, then pulling a switcheroo on you, all to be able to say "Hey! GOTCHA Sport!" then popping its collar and doing the two-handed point click. Director Robert Wiemer masterfully weaves not one, but TWO plot twists into this film, leaving the viewer feeling cheated and gassy. I've never understood the allure of Sarah Jessica Parker to begin with, but after seeing this horribleness, I think I might stop watching anything Matthew Broderick is in now. Wassup now, bitch?




The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:

Mother: She was real close to her father. Doug had to work long, hard hours, but he always managed to find time for Lori. He just loved her..,just loved her so much.




Doctor: Did this thing start happening, when? At the time of his death?








Mother: I don't know. Maybe it started then...

The Doctor watches her.





(sobs) Listen, I just want to be in there with her!







Doctor: Betty, we have to talk about this. I have a problem, and I don't know how to deal with this. I've got a little girl in there who took a spill off a horse and got a bump on the head. A mild concussion, nothing more. Yet she refuses to wake up.



Doctor: A perfectly healthy 16-year old girl. Who I think wants to die. You've got to help me reach her.

Father: Betty...

Mother: It's all so crazy, I just... I don't know where to start?















The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:


Sarah Jessica Parker: Polly!


Dude in Blue Shirt: My God, it's a horse!




Sarah Jessica Parker: Polly? Polly! Polly? Polly? Polly is that you?

Dude in Blue Shirt emerges from the woods on the horse.





Sarah Jessica Parker: Polly!


Dude in Blue Shirt: How'd you know her name?





Sarah Jessica Parker: It's you! You're alright!


Dude in Blue Shirt: I guess so, who are you?



Sarah Jessica Parker: I saw your plane go down. I found you and your friend.

Dude in Blue Shirt: The plane, where is it?? Where's Paul, my friend?

Exeunt