UAG

The EADJ Fashion Roundup: 2019 Winter Collection

Athletic wear + skort = modern Highlander

Submitted by Tom Weingard: 2,900 miles away from Haight Ashbury

I came across these two gentlemen taking a break after heckling from a balcony on the Muppet Show.

These people have found God but their pants both have skeptical expressions.

Superdad lets his 2 year old dress him (or is that Macklemore?).

Lobsterfest® Is Ruining Your Neighborhood With Its Low Prices and Reeky Lobster Meat

So I'm shitrocked again (after drinking 6 Chang beers), so it must be time to post another Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:


Lobsterfest® refuses to leave, like a distant relative with nowhere to go who also has the hots for your wife. We here at Red Lobster have served up countless new ways for you to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, and here are the latest ways we're offering to serve you lobster from our last desperate brainstorming meeting:

• We rub arrows in lobster meat so that each one is glistening with the moist, fragrant juices of lobster broth. We then shoot the arrow directly up into the sky, and you try to catch the arrow in your mouth/face/chest. Once the arrow strikes your body, you're overwhelmed with the feeling of having lived the remainder of your life enjoying some decent crustacean meat. Now that is one of the several ways you can enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We round up everyone in your town who is allergic to shellfish. We then force them into a steel cage right in front of your town hall and literally force each person to eat a footlong lobster roll sandwich. Some of those people will get seriously ill; even a few will die. But you'll notice that we never mentioned anything about pointing guns at them, did you? What a bunch of suckers! Another pointless way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, your honor.

• You ever watch that cartoon "The Snorks?" See, that's one more way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We repurpose the color copier that we have lying around and start making color copies of lobster meat. Most people don't have the refined enough palate to be able to tell the difference between real lobster meat and sheets of paper, so we'll make an absolute MINT, Cory! Is that an inethical way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster? Fuck your mother, Cory.

• We truck in patients from a nearby hospital with chronic bowel syndrome. Before they can shit their pants, we heap platters of delicious lobster meat on the table in front of them. Then, their physical desire to blow shit out their ass is effectively COUNTERED by their desire to gobble up all our scrumptious meat! Now you cannot tell me that that is not a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• Over time, we hypnotize and condition you into thinking the word "gold" actually means "lobster." Then we take you to Las Vegas, where you're confronted with a bunch of pawn shops offering "CASH FOR GOLD." You desperately come to our restaurant and order as much lobster meat as you can so that you can try to hock that meat for cash. You fail miserably and die alone. A tragic but somehow hilarious way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

UAG

Pizza Burger Responds To Yesterday's Open Letter

Dear EADJ,

Thanks for the letter. I'm glad you finally came around to explaining why you've been so distant for so long. I had a feeling you weren't into it anymore, so it comes as no surprise, really.

But what did surprise me was the hostility you suddenly seemed to have toward me in your letter. "Tarted up like a pizza?" "Abuse your intestines?" I don't know how I got to deserve such cruel words.

Look, you may not get it, but I am what I am. I am a pizza burger. I'm not trying to be no pizza, and I sure as hell ain't trying to just be a plain ol' burger. I'm actually neither, and more– I got pepperonis, onions, green peppers, baby. Kind of like those transvestites like Rupaul– more fabulous than a woman or a man. And if you can't deal with that, whatevers.


The fact is, I am a big favorite on many, many menus. I'm a headliner at Big Nick's in New York City. I've made several appearances on the TNT hit drama "Trust Me." Heck, even the Food Network has posted a Barack Obama Pizza Burger recipe. Try telling me that's not acceptance, not mainstream!


So I think it's all YOUR problem, Papi. You can't deal with the type of burger I am! You don't even want to step to this! I am proud of my heritage, but I will not let you nor anyone hold me back from being what I am! I've got plenty of friends to back me up, like The Snorks, so I don't need you to try to put me in one of your little category boxes! (Fact is, The Snorks have been very supportive of me throughout my career, unlike you.) And if I ever gave you gas, it's only because your weak-ass intestines couldn't handle me! Cry me a river, Mister Poopy Pants.


So just go on with your old fashioned, close-minded self, and I will continue to do my thing. Just leave me out of your stupid dick eating blog and try to stay out of my shadow.

Pizza Burger out!

Pizza Burger