UAG

Can You See It?

Am I crazy, or does that railing spell the word "SHIT"?

Vince's Uncle Roberto Explains How To Publish Your Own Book

1) First, just get words on paper; work on your manuscript done. Once your manuscript is ready, use a self-publishing service to put your book in front of readers. Learn from their feedback to make an even better follow-up title.

2) Find an editor. While not required for self-publishing, editors can help make your story flow better, strengthen plots and characters, spot inconsistencies, and generally make your book more interesting and approachable in both fiction and nonfiction.

3) Find the right distributor. Don't use any book publishing service which demands an up-front fee and/or an excessive cut of sales revenue—there's simply no reason to pay for expensive vanity publishers anymore. Instead, use a service like Amazon's Kindle Direct Publishing. Similar self-publishing services are offered by Barnes & Noble (through Nook Press), Apple (through iTunes Connect) and others, but Amazon's is one of the most widely available platforms and is easy to use.

And speaking of Apple, if you need your iPhone charged in my limo, I have both an old fashioned 6-pin cord and one of the new "lightining" cables. So keep your cool and don't start shouting about my "old piece of shit car" when I've clearly kept with the times. Be safe, kids.

Yelp Reviews of the Hotel California

10/8/1988  AVOID AT ALL COSTS

This is the type of place that will take your money, then turn around and stab you with their steely knives. Girlfriend and I made a reservation and paid for a "romantic suite" but ended up in a single room without windows.When confronted at the front desk the manager rudely yelled at her that we can check out anytime we like. Not ever allowed to leave, however. SEND HELP

DON H.

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9/7/1992  NOT WHAT WE EXPECTED

Got this place because of travelocity.com. Boy, do those pictures lie. This place is a shithole. The whole area stank of sweet summer sweat, especially around the courtyard. The hotel is located next to a mission whose bell won't stop ringing, even after 8pm. The list goes on. We would have done better staying at a Motel 6, but there aren't a lot of alternatives on that Dark Desert Highway. Worst of all, they would not refund our money– we had to complain to travelocity to get a measly $50 voucher. Luckily we found a good price for Holiday Inn Express which was night and day compared to this horrible hotel. I don't know how they stay in business. That manager is a bitch.

GLENN F.

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9/7/2010  DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE SHIMMERING LIGHTS

I don't know what got into me to give this horrible hotel a try. My head must have been heavy or my sight might have grown dim. Regardless, I had to stop for the night.

Mirrors on the ceiling? Pink champagne on ice? I don't know who this place is geared for, but it's all kind of chintzy and sad.

Was invited to a buffet in the "Master's Chambers." Got creeped out and stayed in my room instead, which was cool because I caught a "Blossom" marathon.

Not having wi-fi is unforgivable in this day and age.

B. SZYMCZYK

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1/1/1969  SWEET, THEY HAVE WINE HERE!

THE CAPTAIN

The Joel Angel Project: Magic Trick #2

Yes, it took only 559 days, but Joel finally has a second magic trick video to offer for the Joel Angel Project. This being a stopgap, apparently:

"Okay, I'm doing two more videos, first of all. They take forever because I'm busy, and new iMovie frustrates me to no end, THIS video took a week of my just trying to figure out how to edit right. I miss old iMovie. I understood old iMovie.  Second, yes, that's a handlebar mustache--my poker pro mustache. I've since shaved it."

Execution: 6

Presentation: 3

Criss Angel Factor: 0. This is actually not a Criss Angel trick but a David Blaine Street Magic trick:



***Edit:***

Okay, Criss Angel actually HAS done this particular trick, too:



Secret Behind The Trick: A complex series of cables, pulleys and counterweights.

And by the way, Joel is right. The new version of iMovie does suck royally.

At this rate, we look forward to Joel's next videos on February 15, 2015 and August 27, 2016.

The Director of "10 Vagina Victories HD" Speaks Out

Hello all

After a successful premiere at the Doffson Film Festival in Doffson, Massachusetts and a respectable turn out at a screening on the Baylor University campus, I am proud to announce that my film "10 Vagina Victories HD" has finally found a distributor!

Those of you who have stayed at a hotel lately might have noticed that my film, part-documentary and part-restaging of 10 women's struggles with society and the individual, spirit-lifting victories that they achieved via their vaginas, has become an offering on Spectravision. Unfortunately, the good people of Spectravision didn't watch my excellent documentary and instead placed it in the "Adult Movie" section of the menu, based on the title alone.

So in order to watch Jakartan activist Yimini Salva pierce her proud labia in defiance of the male-dominated parliament of Jakarta, you're going to have to scroll past "Kinky Bangkok Wives" and "100% WhiteBootyClap."

Or the cinéma vérité re-creation of migrant farmer Doris Halford smuggling medicine to wounded Revolutionary War troops in her pubic hair shares the same marquee as "Gangbang My Mom!" (in standard def, no less!)

Let me assure my viewing public, I'm not bitter that all my hard work interviewing, filming, and researching has been relegated to the dickstroke section of one's hotel TV alongside "Threeway Meat Munch" and "Motorboatin Ur Mom." I'm just glad that my humble film gets to see the light of day.

Thank you.

("Threeway Meat Munch" was pretty good, by the way.)

Gracie The Bed Bug Detecting Dog Wishes She Could Speak

The following has been written by Gracie herself on a Mac Classic II computer.


As the canine partner and unofficial mascot of ACD Bed Bug Extermination LLC, I feel like my responsibilities are pretty big. But because of my lack of vocal communication (and to a certain degree, the greed of my owners) I feel like I'm powerless in a lot of situations.

I have been trained well-680 hours- by industry handlers to detect bed bugs. I attended the prestigious New Hampshire Canine Academy and even graduated Summa Cum Laude in both bed bug and termite detection certification. So my ability to find bed bugs shouldn't even be questioned here. What is at fault here are my co-employees.

When I barked at the bug sweep at 456 Hazel Street last April, it was because I was telling my handler Jeff that he left his pen on the resident's coffee table, which Jeff mistakenly took to mean "bed bugs are in the house!" Jeff promptly signed the residents up for a $300/month monitoring program. My apologies to that family.

In June at an upscale condo in Glenview, the nice old lady there offered me a piece of the quiche she was eating. I was like, "Hell yeah!" and wagged my tail. My handler Vicenzo saw my tail and ordered a complete gassing of the entire apartment. I heard later that that woman had to live in a Red Roof Inn for a week. I feel so awful for that nice lady. Vicenzo was out of line.

Then this week at the Hotel Intercontinental in Springfield, I smelled another dog shut in the manager's office. By the scent, she was pregnant and was going to have a litter in four hours. I could also hear her whining while the manager spoke to my handler Laura. I wanted to bark to let the manager know that dog was in agony, but at the same time I didn't want ACD Bed Bug Extermination LLC to charge the hotel that ridiculous $8000 corporate service fee. So I kept my mouth shut. Did I do the right thing? I still don't know.

I'm starting to suspect that my co-workers are less interested in whether I want a treat or enjoy a good rub on the belly from a stranger and more about THE BOTTOM LINE. I FEEL IT'S MY DUTY TO LET THE WORLD KNOW THAT I AM DESPERATELY SORRY FOR ALL THE UNNECESSARY PAIN AND EXPENSE THAT MY COMPANY HAS AND CONTINUE TO CAUSE.

I DON'T MEAN TO TYPE ALL OF THIS IN ALL CAPS, BUT THE CAPS LOCK KEY ON THIS OLD COMPUTER IS STUCK.

-GRACIE

A Letter From the Management at the Hotel California

Editor's Note: This entry was co-written by JOEL HIMSELF



Mr. Don Henley
629 Fast Lane, Apt. 2R
Hollywood, CA

Dear Mr. Henley:

It has come to my attention that your recent visit to The Hotel California and the incident that followed has been made public. As head manager of the Santa Barbara Hotel Group, which owns and runs The Hotel California, I feel it my duty to clarify what I believe has been a gross misunderstanding and to clear my hotel's name.

First of all, our hotel staff reported that you had clearly been drinking and were interrupting what was booked as a private function for our Platinum Club members. You yourself had described to our valet Barney that your "head was heavy" and your sight had grown "dim."

You claim that you were visiting one of our hotel guests, but our records do not indicate a single female guest. Many of the patrons in the Tomba Room did notice you enter from the corridor with a woman holding a candle (which is not permitted), but they had just assumed she had come from the mission next door, seeing as she was not wearing shoes (which is also not permitted). We at the hotel take no responsibility for your female friend and have been recently vindicated in the courts regarding the suspicious "room theft" of her Tiffany jewelry; Her credibility was decimated with the revelation that her own Mercedes was a stolen vehicle.

Our wait staff reported that you started dancing with our patrons and sweating all over them. This is completely unacceptable. And your claims that everyone was gathered for some type of Satanic beast-eating ritual is absurd. It was "Prime Rib" night. And contrary to your (drug-infused?) assertion, the beef roast was most certainly dead. If it did move at all, it was probably our server Debargo shifting the meat forward on the cutting board. He witnessed you pocketing four of our cutlery knives, by the way.

With regards to the "kidnapping" claim– that we held you here against your will– you simply thought you were trapped here. The truth is, our night man was trying to steer you away from an alarmed emergency fire exit. He distinctly remembered saying, "You can check out anytime you like through the front desk, but you can never leave from that door unless it's an emergency."

The point is that I cannot allow you to continue to sully the reputation of this luxury hotel and spa when you were clearly in the wrong. Please accept this coupon for a free visit to our spa for a colitas bath and body gel treatment as an offer to experience our hotel with a clearer head.

However, if you do continue to spread lies about our hotel, we will have no choice but to release the security footage of you defecating in the freight elevator.


Sincerely,

Louis Cypher
General Manager, Hotel California
Santa Barbara Hotel Group, Inc.

Something I Noticed in Vegas Hotel Rooms

(pictured above, like their slots, you always almost get three in a row)