Meanwhile, Back At the Gaslight...

"Thanks for coming today. Here's your check."

"What? Miss, I just paid my check a moment ago."

“I do not know what you are talking about. You are just trying to confuse me.”

"No, I gave you my Visa card. You still have it."

"Are you sure? You probably have a bad memory, being old and all."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Look, I'm very busy today and don't have the time to argue. So just give me a twenty and we'll forget about your embarrassing behavior."

"Will you take two 10's?"

What Morgan Freeman's Disembodied Heads Were Thinking In All Those Movie Posters

Editor's Note: Feel free to read all of these with Morgan Freeman's voice in mind. Not like you have a choice.

"So she's related to those country music Judds. Why isn't she in the group, too? I wonder if she's acting because she can't sing..."

"These pen-lights that they're shining on our faces is basically the most light I've seen shooting this dang film."

"Can spider's bite through beards? Hope not."

"An action/disaster film starring Christian Slater? The joke's on you, viewing public!"

"Maybe if I can get her to hum a few bars of something, I could tell if she's off pitch or the like."

"This is one fucked up version of 'The Brady Bunch' opening credits."

"Glasses. They don't make me look distinguished. They make me look like I've falling asleep reading Parade Magazine. Come on, now."

Coming Soon To EADJ: A Lot of Bad

Two recent developments have just begged for coverage. One is the month-long movie "event" on Lifetime TV, with four different terrible movie adaptations of four different piss-awful Nora Roberts novels. So over the next month (they air every Saturday) we will commit ourselves to watching all four of these bad boys and break it down for you, romance-style.


The other event has been the very excited announcement of Fresh Direct's "Four Minute Meals" sold in vending machines on the 9th and 21st floors of Toucan Cleric's Fun.


All this week, we will be sampling a different entrée. We will then post our thoughts and criticisms and possibly throw the entrée into the street.


Tune in all week (and all month!) for upcoming reviews of microwaved foods and/or godawful romance novella made-for-cable movies!

25 Facts That You Didn't Know About The Band DragonForce

(NOTE: none of these facts have been taken from that unverified crapfest Wikipedia)

1) Like Romulus and Remus, they were all birthed by a wolf. Except it was a dragonwolf.

2) Dragons have been known to be attracted to their live shows, wherein the audience is often terrorized, but the band FORCES the Dragon to calm down and have a Coke.

3) Every year in October, the band travels to Sussex, England to help a dragon give birth to a dragon-calf. They always name the calf after the second track of an album. This year, the calf will be named "The Fire Still Burns," which comes off their newest album, "Ultra Beatdown." See, it totally works.

4) Vocalist Frederic Leclercq hails from France but does not spit on Americans as often as you think he would.

5) The band have filmed several PSAs educating children about dragon abuse and "dragonism." In them, a band member usually cries.



6) Keyboardist Vadim Pruzhanov really enjoyed the book "The Cheese Monkeys" by Chip Kidd.

7) Yes, the band has sampled dragon meat. But they didn't know what it was at the time. And they didn't enjoy it, either. Can we not talk about this?

8) Their sister band, UnicornFlash, has a bigger following in Australia, but it's mostly consisted of people who confuse the two bands.

9) Their previous album "Inhuman Rampage" contains clues about where to find a hidden dragon treasure in Atlantic City, NJ.

10) Before the exclusive photographer from People was supposed to arrive, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's allowed DragonForce to see their baby Shiloh.

11) Rhythm guitarist Herman Li insists on shampoo and conditioner in separate bottles. You think I'm making this shit up? Check out the last entry on his bio page. Who's lying now, bitch? Whut?

12) The band periodically meets with Finnish President Tarja Halonen and Nordic Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg to see what they (the band) can do to rock harder.



13-25) Still pending. Check back later, k? :)

Ace In the Hole

There are these bagel carts all around the city that are always busy in the morning. They're along the way to a lot of people's office buildings (including Toucan Cleric's Fun), so it's very convenient to stop and buy a bagel for a quick breakfast.

The problem for me is the way the bagels sit on little shelves along the cart with the vendor just standing in the middle of it. Seems unhygienic. Especially when some of them are sitting on a shelf that's essentially cock-level. Add the fact that it's been a heatwave, and that bagel cart is in closed quarters, and BINGO– Sweaty balls millimeters from your onion roll!


Don't get me wrong- I'm not like some OCD-type handwashing germophobe. I just find it a little bit unsettling to eat something that's been sitting inches from some dude's crotch. Sure, an apron probably helps, but the guy who works the one near my office doesn't wear one. So, cock and balls.