An Imagined Conversation

McDonald's proofreader: "Wait, is this a Zoolander reference?!"

McDonald's copywriter: "Yeah, cool, huh?"

McDonald's proofreader:

From The Studio That Brought You "Jet Fuel," "Dark Magic," and "Kenya Kilimandjaro."

Having run out of ideas for movies after pillaging every comic book, novel and TV show for film ideas, movie studios have grown desperate, using everything from board games to Disney theme park rides to even break room coffee flavors as the basis for a movie script. The next step was only a matter of time: yes, the names of wildflower seeds from a Pathmark display in Union, New Jersey. Here now are movies that have been greenlighted for 2013 release:


"10 Grecian Windflowers"
It's "Eat Pray Love" meets "Leap Year." Isla Fisher travels to Greece to get away from her hectic marketing job and to "soak in the culture." What she ends up soaking in is the manly mixture of juices of John Stamos. Rwaawrr! Also starring Maria Menounos and Olympia Dukakis as the disapproving mother.


"5 Dutch Master Daffodils"
This Guy Ritchie heist picture stars Vinnie Jones as a cigar smuggler who has to hide at a floral shop run by Paulina Porizkova and Yvonne Strahovski but learns about kindness in the process. David Morse and Charlie Murphy play the two federal agents trying to find him. No deer allowed.


"I, Dahlia"
This erotic art film helmed by Tarsem stars Kathryn Morris as a young woman who stumbles upon her estranged uncle's (Ed Harris) prostitution ring in a remote town in Calgary. "Dinner plate size blooms" created by Stan Winston Studios. Julie Bowen as the prostitute with dinner plate size nipples.


"3 Lilies"
Rob Schneider, Adam Sandler, and Harland Williams dress in drag again, pretending to be a nonexistent sorority to earn enough credit to have money for something or other. Featuring Selma Blair and Ellen Page as the real sorority girls who had no idea that those were dudes! Directed by Brett Ratner in a fat suit.


"10 Anemones"
Pixar returns to the sea with this high adventure starring a motley crew of misfit underwater flowering plants who stumble upon a real life pirate treasure map. Featuring the voices of Christian Slater (Bubble Tip Anemone), Christian Laettner (Long Tentacle Anemone), Christian Bale (Saddle Anemone), Christian Magdu (Adhesive Sea Anemone), Hayden Christensen (Darth Vader Anemone) and David Cross (Giant Carpet Anemone).

"10 Sparaxis"
Chris Evans and Eva Green race against time in this futuristic tri-color psychological thriller. A killer horde of ten robots named "Sparaxis" invade Greenwich Village, and it's up to a pair of hip, friendly baristas to take a stand and defend their fair trade turf.

"The Hardy Perennials: Come Back Every Year"
Tom Hanks is the coach of the Hardy High Perennials, the most winningest varsity football team in state history with a star quarterback (Zac Efron), some great linebackers (Anthony Anderson and Ethan Suplee) and a kicker with a shoooort fuse (Charlie Day)! Bonnie Bedelia plays his tired wife, Liatris.

UAG

Hawthorne Village Collectibles Is Still Trying To Star Wars Me

Hot on the heels of yesterday's Star Wars train entry, I also received this marvelous direct mail piece hocking the Official Star Wars Galactic Village Collection, a set of three sculpted Star Wars scenes, complete with figurines.

(click to enlarge)


Yes, all the joy of having the action figures and toy vehicles without the detail or points of articulation but with all the breakability of porcelain. The Galactic Village Collection– a Hawthorne Village exclusive– can grace either the basement apartment at your Mom's house or the attic apartment at your Mom's house with its static, eroded-looking creations.


Hey, remember the incredible Imperial invasion of Hoth from "The Empire Strikes Back?" Well, imagine those enormous AT-ATs, but not moving at all and standing on what looks like a frosted cookie. And just look at the photoshopped sculpted detail on the figures themselves, who for some reason all looked pissed:




Since these motherfuckers are going for $59.99 EACH, I can only assume that this is targeted to rich geeks who have already collected everything and have some extra money lying around, collecting dust. So they would happily buy these porcelain sculptures to collect the dust instead.



There are three major reasons why this collection sucks:

1) Despite the spooky detail and lit interiors, these are still porcelain figures and porcelain "villages," so they're essentially the same thing as your grandmother's fragile porcelain Christmas Teddy Bear village.

2) $59.99 x 3 = $179.97?! I could spend that on medication I need or pogs.

3) Even if you've collected all three sculptures, and you've collected every action figure, every comic book, and every prop replica- and you've even read every Star Wars novel– you will never be able to catch the pure joy you had as a kid watching the original trilogy for the first time. Okay, maybe a little bit with the prop replicas.

The Force Is Weak With This One

When you're a big Star Wars fan like me, you tend to order Star Wars crap however you can. So when you have something awesome sent to your house, like a full suit of Stormtrooper armor or a glowing lightsaber with a tooled aluminum handle, you're bound to get put on some mailing lists and inevitably receive junk mail for lame Star Wars crap. Like this from the Hawthorne Village Collectibles:


No, your eyes do not deceive you. That's a Star Wars-themed old time style locomotive. So when they said "a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away," they meant in the 1800's in Great Britain.

But did they do cheesy airbrushed murals on the side of trains back then? I don't know, but if this train is a rockin', gas ass or grass- nobody rides for free.






And just in case you were wondering, yes, there actually is a train in the Star Wars universe. The below video is from the N64 game "Rogue Squadron "Rescue On Kessel" level, and it actually has a train on tracks that you're supposed to defend. But the train floats midair, so that's totally Star Wars-like and not lame.



I look forward to seeing other anachronistic technologies in the Star Wars universe like hover rickshaws and laser lean-to's.

I Gotta Stop Picking Up Random Magazines.

Spotted in the April issue of New York Resident Magazine (what?!), an ad for the PetzLife line of oral care products. It so many bad design decisions that I have to slow the car down just to watch.

(click to enlarge)


First off, slapping some clipart human grins onto a miserable looking dog and cat and making them the main visual in the ad would be enough for me to fire the designer.


But apparently, the client liked the visual so much, they slapped it on the QR code:


Then there's the burlap background, the hideous insets of stained pet teeth, the small, dull product shots, the 7 Oral Problems they just made up on the spot, the twenty typefaces they used, the sickly green hue on all the photography, and the microscopic 'how to use' section.


If that weren't enough, they fence off a section at the bottom for some anxiety-relieving drops. "Works great for thunderstorms and fireworks!" Which actually sounds like a good idea, since pets are terrified of those noises. But if you're going to force feed them some liquid to calm them down, why not just use cough syrup or booze?


A 4.5 oz. bottle of those drops goes for 24 bucks, by the way. Yeesh. A 1.75L of Smirnoff Vodka, however, goes for only $17. Just sayin.

It's Time To Retire Dr. Fish

A dumb premise. A poorly thought out character. An unpopular segment. These are the voyages of the Starship Dr. Fish. We at EADJ think it's about time we put this awful, unfunny, one-joke bit to death. It's a dumb segment- and coming from a blog that has featured a chimp servant, plastic hillbilly teeth, a how-to segment by a limo driver who is not Vince's uncle, racist appliances, a Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson, and an Ugly Andrew Gall- that's saying a lot.

Yes, it's time to join the Curlz MT, Tianna, and the Suzemily Players segments in the EADJ Retirement Home.


Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Do you mean to tell us that we've been throwing segments to the wayside left and right and haven't thought to dump your sorry ass? No, wait. You have to be an official, established EADJ segment to be retired. Instead of being the pathetic, annoying, uninvited, insipid, infuriating piece-of-dog-turd intrusion that you are. Sometimes I wish I could build a theme park by the side of the Grand Canyon and advertise it as "The Only Theme Park Next To The Grand Canyon!" so you would be interested and pay a ticket to ride the roller coaster, and just when you start going down the highest hill, I could have my theme park workers redirect the track into the gaping, cavernous maw of the Grand Canyon for you and the roller coaster car to fall into, never to be heard from again.


Don't worry. We'd find a way to get you on that thing.