Awwwwww!

(pictured above, Mel and Jessica pay IM status homage to one another. It's like a digital hug!)

*** UPDATE: Mel has informed us that despite the big ol' lovefest, Jessica still can't spell "Kreilein" right.

Salad Problems.

I go to this place on 42nd St. and 3rd Avenue for salads. It's a good place because they mix it in for you then toss it with whatever dressing you want. But the last few times I've gone over there, the dressing guy has called me "Ma'am." Yeah.


I thought at first that maybe he's calling me "Man," but he's called other men in line "Sir." And I've heard him use "Ma'am" for all the women. So what the fuck, dude? Do I really look like a woman?


After like the third time he called me that, I started speaking really loudly in a manly voice to the ingredients guy (who calls me "Sir") so dressing guy could pick up on it. I'd say things like "I WANT CUCUMBERS, BLUE CHEESE, AND BEAN SPROUTS," in the deepest voice I could muster. And that still didn't work. I still got "Ma'am" from dressing guy.

So I took a photo of myself at that place to see what dressing guy sees. Turns out, I do look like an Asian lesbian in the right light. Or maybe all the time. Or maybe dressing guy thinks I'm a woman because I've been loading up on salads so much, and my choice of ingredients emphasizes my owning a vagina. Whatever.


If you or some dude you know keeps getting mistaken for a lesbian, maybe it's time you took a good look at yourself and changed your haircut or stopped going to lesbian marches with your arm around your girlfriend. Or maybe you could parlay that mistaken identity into a wacky comedy starring Kal Penn and Margaret Cho.

Something I Noticed in Vegas Hotel Rooms

(pictured above, like their slots, you always almost get three in a row)

Tom Investigates.

Give that man a Jade Mollusk Award!

Punny Delight

Delight admitted that "Cock-tail UP, Boys!" is a terrible, nonsensical pun playing off the cocktail bar setting of her photograph. And she was gracious enough to share all her rejected flyer taglines (click to enlarge):

A Favor, Por Favor

What bugged J'Net is starting to bug me now.

Can someone call the phone number here and ask Delight what the fuck that tagline of hers means? A Jade Mollusk Award awaits whoever gets an answer without a charge on your credit card.

Piss-Awful Vegas Act #2

Pictured below, the gender-bending goth cheesedick awfulness that is Fashionistas. It's described as "a boy meets girl story told in dance, set to profane industrial music." I love how even they acknowledge it sucks by putting the word "show" in quotes.





Gee, go to a two-bit Vegas show playing industrial remixes of Zeppelin or stick icepicks in your ear canals? Decisions, decisions.