It's Time To Say Goodbye To More Crap That Marketers Want You To Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

Saying Goodbye To Things Marketers Want You To Say Goodbye To, aka The Copywriter's Crutch

 

Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye bye! Bye! Good-bye! Goodbye! Farewell!

Happy Valentine's Day From EADJ!

Guys, here are a few unorthodox ways to celebrate V-Day with your lover:

• Take her to a lavish, expensive dinner, then "forget your wallet."

• Sneak a raw egg into bed during sex, then throw the egg against a wall when you climax. Color her impressed!

• Google "Venice, Italy." Print out a series of photos of Venice that you find. Make a collage board and give it to her. If she asks if you two are going to Venice, tell her yes but hide the damn collage board at your earliest opportunity. Stupid idea!

• Ask her to marry you. If she says yes, get married, live a long happy life with her and raise two beautiful children in the process. If she says no, continue whatever you're doing, champ.

• Present to her flowers stuck in your pee hole.

• Go to the grocery store to make your own homemade "Edible Arrangements" bouquet. Fight off the flies and gnats as you hand deliver that sticky, dripping, disgusting mess to her workplace. Get defensive if the receptionist asks if you want to see her. Notice how the receptionist actually has some pretty sexy legs...

• Eat shit and die (Milo Yiannopoulos only)

UAG

This Week's Least Used Hashtags

Twitter is an ugly woman who acts like she's a runway model. Twitter is a dish of stale rest stop pizza that is being sold as filet mignon. Twitter is a D rate actor billing himself as the next Sam Worthington. Twitter is a two legged dog with a boner dragging itself along a shag carpet. These are this week's least used Twitter hashtags that you can use for your own stupid Tweets:

##oxycontingiveaway

#SpaghettiOsfitonmydick

#vinylglovefilledwithfarts

#Netflixandletsjustbefriendsokay

#sorrynotsorryokayactuallysorry

#theBazookaJoecinematicuniverse

#stranglingtheguyfromDepecheMode

#lookingfabulouswhileevictingafamilyoffive

#itsactuallynotcomplicatedijusthaveterribletasteinmen

#itturnsoutEddieMoneyonlyhadonetickettoparadisebutlied

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Gangsta checklist: baggy pants, check. Belly tat, check. Gat, check. Tight dreads, check. Sideways hat, check. Large coffee from Auntie Anne's with two sugars and one cream, check.

 I swear I first read this as "FART LIFE" and liked that way better.

Geraldine found a new use for one of those black headlight "bras" people used to put on the front of their Camaros.

Amazingly, a photographer's assistant didn't try to be a wiseass and throw a ping pong ball between their heads for a quick game of Plinko.

Finally, hip hop emcees act like gentlemen and give the bitches front and center stage. You've come such a long way, bitches!

Some Movie Ideas Based On The Hardware Section of Walgreen's

Now having mined every comic book, board game, and shitty young adult novel for feature film ideas, major Hollywood studios have no alternative than to turn to the hardware section of Walgreen's rather than come up with some original script ideas. 

Here now are four major, major releases given the green light to shoot in Leavenworth Studios in England, all for 20th Century Fox who have paid a premium for exclusive rights:

"Wipe New" starring Maggie Gyllenhaal and Channing Tatum

In the year 2098, your memories don't matter- they get "wiped" and replaced by newer, better ones. Two memory technicians discover how to alter the machines to give themselves pretty terrible childhood memories of going to the beach in Virginia. WIPE NEW.

"Tub Stopper" starring Lou Taylor Pucci, Quvenzhané Wallis and Gemma Arterton

From the makers of "Chumscrubber" and "Thumbsucker," "Tub Stopper" follows the travails of a college dropout who tries to find meaning in his pottery painting class. Garry Shandling plays the reluctant instructor!

"Over The Door Hooks" starring Jamie Bell, Chris Evans and Blake Lively

Three attractive CIA operatives wage war against a Red Roof Inn manager who they believe to be an Al Qaeda operative. Rosie Perez makes an appearance as herself.

"100 Watt Inverter" starring Tommy Lee Jones, Cedric the Entertainer and Emma Stone

Directed by Wes Anderson. Different actors put on different funny hats and deliver stilted but charming dialogue. Everything is shot symmetrically. Soundtrack by Mark Mothersbaugh zzzzzzzzzzzz

Oh No You Di-Int!

It takes a man to admit his mistakes. It takes even more of a man to admit to eating a lot of dick that wasn't his to eat.

Joel went speedwalking earlier this morning on a route that he doesn't normally take, and he found himself down a one-way street leading into a gigantic warehouse. The warehouse took up 8 football fields of space, with ceilings as high as an elephant's eye. But by taking the back entrance, Joel failed to see the huge sign out front reading LOS ANGELES DICK DEPOSITORY, or L.A.D.D.

Convinced he stumbled upon a roomful of treasure, Joel dove into the massive crates of dick with both hands flailing. He ate and ate and ate dick, like a dog in a hamburger factory, except for hamburgers it was dick- you get my metaphor, right? Whatever.

Fast forward twenty minutes, and Joel has eaten almost half of the dick in the warehouse. His belly has now bulged to the point of snapping the elastic on his velour track pants. So when L.A.D.D. organizer Cheryl Bleden-Hart showed up, boy was he in a lick of trouble!

Joel has since apologized and has offered to recoup all the eaten dick through a speaking tour on behalf of Cheryl and L.A.D.D.

(pictured above, the rivets are already starting to break on the U.S.S. CK ManSpa.