Preview of Next Week's Info Wars Conspiracies

Alex Jones is like Charlie Brown, except rounder, more racist and less popular. His talented team of writers are currently cooking up new bullshit conspiracies for Alex to feed to his awaiting dumb listeners. Here is a taste of what they have in store for next week:

• Skim milk is just whole milk with one liter of contact lens saline solution mixed in.

• San Francisco's famous Lombard Street is windy on purpose to ruin people's tires and have them hopefully run over some hobos at the bottom. This is how San Francisco deals with its homeless.

• If you let a baby's crib mobile turn counter clockwise instead of clockwise, it will grow up to be a progressive socialist commie.

• Chicks with A-cup bras are either lesbians or men in drag. Also, they're not attracted to Alex Jones.

• All of North Korea's nuclear launch codes are the lyrics to Stevie Wonder's 1985 song "Part Time Lover" scrambled slightly.

• Malignant mesothelioma is not caused by asbestos exposure. Rather, it is the result of NOT COLLECTING ENOUGH BEANIE BABIES IN THE NINETIES

• You crazy, man.

• Most chestnuts are raised by a small Satanist collective in Maine. They are blessed and distributed by atheists and witches to poison the stomachs and minds of white Christian children.

Hollywood Continues To Scrape The Bottom Of The Seed Bin

As has been reported before, Paramount, United Artists, Columbia Pictures, Sony Pictures, and 20th Century Fox have all run out of movie ideas, so in desperation they have sent scouts to the seed section of the Stop 'N Shop supermarket in Union, New Jersey to drum up some new possible feature film properties. Here now are the most recent optioned films:

"Shasta Daisy" starring Jason Statham and Jaime Pressly

After having witnessed the assassination of a city official, a stripper named Shasta (Pressly, natch) must hide out from the faceless government goons with the help of her co-worker/bouncer/ex-boyfriend Kurt Daisy (Statham). Along the way they discover they're not that different from each other in what they want from life. Also staring Alfred Molina as Mayor Romero Costas.

"Sweet Basil" starring Rachel McAdams, Ryan Gosling and directed by Nick Cassavetes

The cast and director of the "Notebook" reunite in this incredibly romantic Nicolas Sparks-ish adaptation of a seed packet label. McAdams plays Basil, a young woman forced to work in the gardening section of Home Depot because she cannot run a register worth a damn. Gosling plays her understanding manager who shows her the beauty in gardening and the outdoors. Also featuring Geoffrey Arend as a really dickish customer and Stanley Tucci as himself.

"Four O' Clocks" starring Tom Hanks, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Julie Bowen and Dax Shepard.

This futuristic thriller captures the lives of four Information Collectors as they race against their respective clocks to find the source of the enigma anomaly glitch. Featuring special effects by Industrial Light & Magic and also starring Ron Eldard as a future cop and Lance Reddick as a world-weary time traveler who knows the end of this dumb movie already.

"Cosmos" starring Sean Bean, Jennifer Connelly and Armie Hammer

A gay man (Bean) joins the space academy at NASA in 1966, only to find rampant homophobia. Through courage, determination and a plethora of rocket jokes, he and his fake "wife" (Connelly) show the system that it's okay to be gay. Even in space. Armie Hammer plays Sean Bean's "friend."

"Alyssum" starring Matt Damon and Jodie Foster

Set in the year 2154, where the very wealthy live on the man-made space station Alyssum while the rest of the population resides on a ruined Earth, a man (Damon) takes on a mission that could bring equality to the polarized worlds.

Wait. They already made this.