Let's All Say Goodbye To Some Stuff In Ads Again!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! 

(I can't believe we got to say goodbye to under eye bags TWICE.)

T-Mobile Girl's New Image

Those of you who forgot to fast forward through commercials might have noticed that the bubbly, fresh-faced spokesgirl for T-Mobile has a new, overhauled, badass motorcyclist image.

 

EADJ has spoken to T-Mobile insiders about her image shift and got the following info about it:

• She just broke up with her longtime European model boyfriend Diego and reportedly wants to "rub the coochie on some strange."

• Although she's been trying her darnedest, she cannot be a bigger bitch than Danica Patrick.

• She got a tattoo that reads "Slide to unlock" along her belly.

• Due to the all-leather outfit, whenever she tries to sneak into a theatre for a free movie, she gets caught by the ticket taker.

• She now tags shit.

• She has taken self-defense classes and will elbow the fuck out of your eye socket if you resist trying the new HTC® Amaze™ 4G smartphone with an 8 Megapixel Camera and Microsoft^® Exchange integration!

• Her farts now exit out her pleather neckhole.

• Decades from now, people will discover she was a Prototype Series 1000 "liquid metal" Terminator sent by Skynet from the future to terminate John Connor's younger self. She did not succeed.

• Unwanted advances from skeezy old biker dudes have quintupled.

Some Ponderings On That Picture

Since discovering that random photo of that sullen dude in Walgreen's last week, we here at EADJ have agonized over how it got there and its meaning in the universe. We broke into discussion groups, did some serious soul searching, and came up with a few ideas of why the hell that thing ended up there. Here are a few theories from some of America's top scientists:

"I think he's mad somebody threw water at him."
-Liam McCarthy, eight-grader named "America's Top Young Scientist" in the 2010 National Young Scientist Challenge

"In most likelihood, he is a young man who works at Walgreen's who has been promoted by default to a position of management because of a vacancy. The young man's expression reveals his reluctance to take on the tremendous new responsibility of telling someone to open another register when the check-out line gets long. The absence of a name plate near the photo further reinforces my theory of his reluctance."
-Pamela Matson, dean of Stanford University's School of Earth Sciences

"To me, it looks like this is the photo of some guy who bounced too many checks at that Walgreen's, so they posted his photo in a prominent (however random) place to warn others not to do the same. Just look at how profusely he's perspiring."
-Yakir Aharonov, quantum physicist and recipient of the National Medal of Science

"This photo is actually a 'before' promo shot for a store display selling a posture corrective brace. It was misplaced in the store, and an employee mistakenly framed it."
-Venkatraman Ramakrishnan, structural biologist and Nobel laureate

A Moviegoing Tip

If you see this on the screen in a movie theatre, you're not supposed to be:


This is the screen that should be immediately replaced by that familiar green screen saying "The following PREVIEW has been reviewed for ALL AUDIENCES" which leads into the trailers. If the above screen is still there after 2 minutes, something is terribly amiss in your theatre.

Like the projectionist is busy texting his buddies about the kegger at Joey Carmichael's basement on Thursday. Or that the kid who usually just tears tickets is trying to work a $50,000 piece of projection equipment. Or that someone in the projection room IS DEAD.

Whatever the reason is, you should be howling your disapproval at being forced to watch this screen, especially after having watched the weak-ass Powerpoint movie trivia slides that make up "The AMC Moviewatcher Network." (Unscramble these letters to spell out a star's name: OTM ANHSK)

Are You There, God? It's Me, Facebook.

I ain't the most religious person in the world, but I'm pretty sure none of that vague inspirational crap on your "Message From God" Facebook app isn't based on scripture. Unless you count "Love Is..." comic strips as New Testament.

Asian Longhorn Beetlemania!

So I got this notice in the mail warning me of an outbreak in Asian Longhorn Beetles. The language was pretty urgent sounding, warning people that Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn and Staten Island were all under the onslaught: "This beetle is a serious threat to hardwood trees in the U.S. and our urban forest." It urged people to chip their old wood furniture or break it down to bundle so that beetles couldn't feed on it. Frankly, it seems like breaking it down and tying it in little packages is only serving the wood up a little nicer for them, but whatever lady.



So despite its incendiary language and glaring lack of erotic photos, the pamphlet was overall a good read. I learned a few new facts about how dangerous the Asian Longhorn Beetle can be:

• The Asian Longhorn Beetle probably arrived in untreated wooden pallets used to ship goods from China.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle attacks mostly hardwood trees like maples, elms, and birch.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle has been known to show up at weddings without having RSVP'd and without bringing a gift.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will ask if it can crash "for a few nights" on your sofa but will end up staying a whole week.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will conveniently get up to use the bathroom right when the restaurant check arrives so that it doesn't chip in for the bill.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle used to date black guys to somehow upset its parents.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will post its opinion of last night's "LOST" as a Facebook status, thus giving away key plot points to his friends who haven't watched it yet.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will emphasize the wrong syllable in "Febreeze" no matter how many goddamn times you correct it.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will prefer Jay-Z over NaS.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will refer to your baby as "it."
• Female Asian Longhorn Beetles wish George in Grey's Anatomy would reciprocate the feelings that intern Lexie Grey has for him.
• Asian Longhorn Beetles won't concede that Blind Faith was a much more prolific and influential rock band than Derek and the Dominos.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will let you merge, but only if you show some tit.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle beefed.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle keeps raving about how hot Scarlett Johansson is although I don't see what the big deal is. She's okay.
• Asian Longhorn Beetles cannot reproduce without watching scat porn.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle wears unflatteringly tight jeans and tops that only highlight their fat rolls.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle has a vanity plate that says "AZALONG"
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will hang out with the stag beetle but would never refer to him as a "friend," which if you ask me is kind of shitty.
• No matter how many times you repeatedly ask for a barbacoa burrito, the Asian Longhorn Beetle will go to Chipotle and order the chicken for you.
• Asian Longhorn Beetles will blame all of their problems on "Mexicans."
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle fucked your sister.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle is typically lazy and dishonest. But there are some Asian Longhorn Beetles that are trying to make a difference in their community by starting outreach programs and volunteering at community centers. Won't you help?
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle can't really sing, so it relies heavily on autotune technology on most of its tracks.
• Asian Longhorn Beetles bought the domain asianlonghornbeetle.com for the express purpose of selling it to someone who would actually do something with it.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will spin the handles while playing foosball instead of just flicking it with the wrist like normal people.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will use its legs to get ahead at the office despite not really being qualified for the promotion. Tramp.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will scold you for using the word "retard" and say they have a retarded brother. But they really don't.
• Many male Asian Longhorn Beetles still wear Members Only jackets.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will get all pissy if the credit card they gave you gets declined twice, then tell you to try it again.
• Most Asian Longhorn Beetles don't follow the "Walk left, stand right" rule on moving walkways.
• "Asian Longhorn Beatles" is a Beatles tribute band that's been known to play a very faithful cover of "Love Me Do" while boring into the trunks of chestnut trees.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will post a photo of their ugly baby as their profile picture in Facebook. I know, that's a second Facebook joke.

Slack!

Hey, who's more slack than the decorator at the local VFW Lodge (January 31)?


Why, the answer is Walter and Sheryl Doobin on 8th Street in Brooklyn (Feb 10)! Congratulations, Walter and Sheryl, you almost made it to Valentine's Day!



And good luck burning down the house with a dried out tree next year!

Meanwhile, During Edit...