UAG

UAG

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Due to contract changes and such, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Hulu this week:

• The Stinkbug Diaries

• Party City: A Cheap Cosplayer's Paradise

• YouTube Pranksters Get A Fucking Job

• Game Show: Smell This (And Tell Me If It Came From My Body)

• Let's Literally Flip This House Because We're Idiots

• A Bunch Of Ideas That Stephen King Abandoned

• Candy Crush Saga: The Documentary

• Collate!

The following movies and TV shows will be added to Hulu this week: 

• The Sinkhole Romances

• Storage Reality Show Producer Wars

• We Clean Instagram Models' Filthy-Ass Apartments

• Agrarian History On Fleek

• X-Treme Violent Origami

• Celebrity Siblings' Cribs

• WIG SHOPPIN'

• Sausage Casings Valuators

• WIG SHOPPIN' (Kids' Edition)

UAG

This Week's Least Used Hashtags

Do you use Twitter, or "tweet?" Do you use "hashtags" to "tag" your "posts?" Well, here are some really unpopular ones you can use to make your "followers" stop following you.

#veganvaping

#nads&spanx

#krogerupskirts

#marcorubio20120

#pterodactylsemenmojitos

#yourskipolemyasslet'sdothis

#suckingbriandennehy'smoles

#onhotdaysitsmellsliketunasalad

#staceydashcommencementspeech

#afetishforsmarryingthefirstwomanImeet

#spreadmywingsandtakeashitonyourcar

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Who farted? No seriously, who farted?

Apparently anthropomorphic sharks don't know shit about proper firearm grip.

Common cannot believe you haven't watched the critically acclaimed AMC series "Hell On Wheels" yet. It's already into its fourth season and has been nominated for an Emmy and a Saturn Award. For shame. What's wrong with you?!

This is both confusing and boring. Were they coming up with album cover ideas in an office break room?

"Come with me if you want to listen to shitty dirty south trappin'."

"Hmm. I know I left my super-conductive black horse around here somewhere…"

HIP HOP AWFULNESS UPDATE:

Good news. Meyhem Lauren, we finally found you A CHAIR!

ENJOY!

The EADJ Facebook Defriender

As I've said before, I am an easygoing person and value my friendships, but on Facebook, I am Josef Stalin and will not suffer fools gladly. Especially since Facebook friendships are about as genuine as Raweos are genuine cookies (Wow, 2-hour-old reference!).

So today we are going to defriend a high school acquaintance from North Carolina whose only crime was having an overly zealous friend, one who instantly attributed some unseasonable weather to the Rapture. Think I'm kidding? Read this shit (I replaced S____'s profile photo with a North Carolina icon and her friend's profile photo with Maude Flanders):

Is that really in Scripture?

The earth was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. So God made it sleet a little in part of the Southern United States but only for a few minutes. For this- when mankind cannot tell one season from the other-was a sign unto men that the end was nigh.

This does mark the first time someone has been defriended solely on the behavior of their other friend. So what.

Oh happy day! No longer friends!

Fucking Hell.

 

"Hey Tiger, let's go for a walk," he said.

"Let's get some fresh air," he said.

He gets me up from a perfectly good nap near the radiator for "a walk," which actually turned out to be a quick drive Sears so he can watch "Finding Nemo" on Blu Ray rather than another grainy episode of "CSI" on his old-school standard TV.

Walk my ass.

And now I gotta poop something fierce, but he won't let me out of his lap because this is the part where Nemo meets Dory, voiced by the incomparable Ellen Degeneres.

I'm starting to think he's forgotten that he's not at home.

I remember Ellen Degeneres starring in a movie called "Mr. Wrong," where she played a straight woman who marries a psycho dude. Weird.

Well, at least it's nice and warm in here. Can't take a nap, though, because so many people (who smell terrible, by the way) keep walking by and saying how cute I am.
Can't poop. Can't sleep. And I've already seen "Finding Nemo" three times.
Fuck me.

EADJ's Exclusive Interview With Jillian Michaels' Left Nostril

Eat A Dick Joel recently had the opportunity to sit down with the left nostril of Jillian Michaels, the celebrity fitness trainer from the NBC hit reality show "The Biggest Loser." We interviewed Michaels' left nostril at the Chateau Marmont in Beverly Hills on December 20th.

EADJ: Thanks for sitting down with us.

JMLN: No problem.

EADJ: We've noticed Jillian Michaels isn't with you today.

JMLN: Yes, Jillian is on a media tour promoting the next season of "Losing It With Jillian." I myself had some prior commitments, such as this interview.

EADJ: Well, thank you for that. How has her success affected your relationship with her?

JMLN: (laughs) That's probably the first question I get at every interview. I'm happy for Jillian and don't begrudge her at all. So when people read some of my Tweets (@JillianMichaelsLeftNostril) or overhear me say something about keeping up with her, they automatically think that she and I are on the rocks. That couldn't be anything further from the truth!

EADJ: But you do have your differences...

JMLN: I'm going to just stop you there and say this: when you have two big personalities like hers and mine, you can't help but have a few clashes once in a while. But I realize I'm her left nostril. She can't breathe without me...

EADJ: Actually, she could, from her mouth or her right nostril...

JMLN: (flares) ...My point is that I need her and she needs me. We have a mutual respect for each other and are not staying together just for appearances.


EADJ: I see. So tell us about your own personal projects.

JMLN: Ah, yes. Well, I have my own line of liqueurs and fragrances, and I've just taped a cameo appearance on the NBC show "Whitney."

EADJ: Ooh! I love that show!

JMLN: Also, I'm in talks for the role of the Scarlet Witch in "The Avengers 2" movie (crosses fingers) and I have been asked to ring the opening bell for the New York Stock Exchange next month.


EADJ: Wow. It sounds like you do have a full plate.

JMLN: I know, right? Fame is a funny thing. (picks self)

EADJ: Thank you so much for talking to us today! And give Jillian a hug for us!

JMLN:My pleasure! Thank you!