What The "Plus" Means In Many Store Names

Awards Plus

"Plus" = the nagging feeling that you could have done better in the three-legged race.

T-Shirts Plus

 "Plus" = pit stains, quick-fading graphics and denial of admission into nightclubs.

Best Western Plus

"Plus" = bed bugs and cum on the ceiling

Wigs & Plus

"Plus" is redundant here with the ampersand. Like who talks like that. Here "plus" stands for the waning popularity of the recording artist Pink even though she currently has several songs on the Top 40 charts.

Dollar Plus & Convenience Store

Another redundancy- putting "plus" after the ampersand is no improvement. "Plus" here stands for unenthusiastic service from a teenager on her cell phone.

Shuttle Bus Plus

"Plus" = pus

6 Lies Told By The New York Renaissance Faire Brochure

1) Fantasy already rules. It doesn't need a special designated place.  :)

2) Since 1977? Please. Fully fledged medieval nerdfests were conceived in the 70s but became popular in the early 80s. Don't stretch the truth, Sir Galahad.

3) Tuxedo, NY will have nothing to do with this merry band of mischief makers and fat chicks.

4) T-shirts aren't considered historically accurate. Not the Hypercolor ones, at least.

5) You don't really get to meet Robin Hood. Robin Meade, however, will be on hand for some reason.

6) "We're easy to reach." Right. Type in "Tuxedo, NY" into Google Maps and you'll get directions to The Men's Wearhouse in Staten Island.

What do you think about the new EADJ segment "Six Lies Told?"

We want to hear from you!

The Only Four Scenarios Where This Photo Would Make Any Sense

Scenario 1: a buxom Indian princess is rescued from a stampeding herd by Tony Stark (using an experimental 'big head' design) and Peter Parker (who fell under a reverse-aging spell cast by Doctor Strange) with the help of Frankie Stein from Monster High. Everyone dies horribly.

Scenario 2: This is an alternate Marvel universe where Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider in his crib, thus allowing him to fight his nemeses, Racially-Insensitive Indian Squaw and Frankie Stein from Monster High. In this same alternate universe, Tony Stark is a terrible designer and can't get all of his armor to fit or work right. Everyone dies horribly.


Scenario 3: Frankie Stein from Monster High learns that her real Dad isn't Frankenstein's monster, but a hydrocephalic Iron Man and a racist Sofia Vergara. Her little brother is an inept Spider-Man fan who is too young to web sling successfully but tries to fight crime anyway with his family. Everyone dies horribly.


Scenario 4: A shitty Halloween superstore attempts to advertise their low-quality merchandise before the police catch on and close their 1-month lease. Everyone dies horribly.

Like The Wind Rushing Through My Racist Appliances

Thus ends a week of nothing but solid, reliable EADJ segments.

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Painted Pumpkins

Hey, painted pumpkins. Fuck you.

You readymade, unimpressive crafts for the lazy or unskilled. Why carve a pumpkin the old fashioned way, when you can just whip out your acrylics and paint what you couldn't use a simple butter knife to render?

Okay, maybe I can see this as a "safe" pumpkin carving alternative for toddlers and whatnot. But with those new, dulled idiot-proof pumpkin carving kits everywhere,  you'd be hard pressed to somehow cut open an artery unless you were really aiming for one.

Let's face it. Carved pumpkins are infinitely cooler (and more fun to smash by neighborhood kids) than a pumpkin whose insides have never been exposed. Painting a pumpkin is one step away from just giving up on Halloween and leaving your porch light off. Next year, why even bother?

Now, if you see a friend or relative set out a pumpkin and start painting that thing in front of you, show them this essay, and why they're reading this and not looking, plunge a machete into their pumpkin and start the irreversible process of gutting that motherfucker for a real jack o' lantern. They will be left no choice but to see how much better carving really is once they've stopped screaming.

This Week in Hip Hop Awfulness

Here's the latest and greatest in surprising and confusing hip hop mixtape covers:

Arrogant flips the bird to the Earth, grabs his Avatar booty bitch and bags of cash and gets away in a flying saucer. Little does Arrogant know that Na'Vi women don't have genitals and simply connect their ponytail to yours to have sex. Whoopsie!

That's different. A mix tape about your full-time job as a systems analyst for a heating supply company in Lawrenceburg, KY.

I've never been a fan of Gucci Mane, so I damn sure don't want to see his no-talent chump ass spitting rhymes about booty and cars in 3D. 'Wow, I can almost reach out and slap that ice cream cone tattoo off his face!'

Borrowed interest that's 30 years old is still borrowed interest.

Yes, Wiz Khalifa, some of us get the reference. No, it doesn't make any sense.

Okay, Jarren Benton. I am puzzled but impressed.

Bishop Lamont sheds his pope hat for a more sensible Common cap and pretends to be waiting to fly somewhere as he masters Plants Vs. Zombies in a Gaussian blur haze.

Declaring yourself a badass King of New York is one thing. Accidentally associating yourself with a Ugandan guerrilla who abducts children to force them to become sex workers is another.

"Hi there. I'm Wiz Khalifa. You're probably wondering why I'm sitting at the Sears Portrait Studio wearing some lady's real estate blazer. Well, I'm just here to tell you that I remember you. Thanks for listening."

The EADJ Pun Police: Detroit, In The Near Future

[...]

[.......]

[BIOS SYSTEM CHECK]

[RAM CHECK]

[CONFIG.SYS]

[MEMORY SET]

[SYSTEM STATUS]

[OK]

[TARGET ACQUIRED: TERRIBLE PUNS]

["TIME TO CLEAN THE STREETS."]

[THE LAST SUPPER  THE CAST SUPPER]

[CAST (N): THE ACTORS TAKING PART IN A PLAY, MOVIE, OR OTHER PRODUCTION]

[SHOOTS BULLET HOLES IN TRUCK]

[TARGET ELIMINATED]

[THEY'RE TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT  THEY'RE TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIFT]

[SHIFT (N): ONE OR TWO OR MORE RECURRING PERIODS IN WHICH DIFFERENT GROUPS OF WORKERS DO THE SAME JOBS IN RELAY]

[21 JUMP STREET: A TV SERIES WHERE POLICEMEN POSED AS TEENAGERS]

[PUN STATUS: PRETTY GOOD]

[LEAVES ALONE]

[JUST BE YOURSELF  JUST BEAD YOURSELF]

[BEAD (N): A SMALL PIECE OF GLASS, STONE OR SIMILAR MATERIAL, TYPICALLY ROUNDED AND PERFORATED FOR THREADING WITH OTHERS AS A NECKLACE OR FOR SEWING ONTO FABRIC]

[BE (V): TO EXIST]

[PUN STATUS: CUTESY, AWFUL]

[LAUNCHES RPG THROUGH FRONT WINDOW]

[TARGET ELIMINATED]

["JUST BE ON FIRE."]

[DAD, YOU RULE]

[RULE (N): A STRIP OF WOOD OR OTHER RIGID MATERIAL USED FOR MEASURING LENGTH OR MARKING STRAIGHT LINES]

[RULE (V): BE A DOMINANT OR POWERFUL FACTOR OR FORCE]

[PUN STATUS: LAZY]

[LAUNCHES 4 GRENADES UNDER DOORWAY]

[TARGET ELIMINATED]

["HAVE A NICE DAY, CREEP."]

[DON'T BE FOOLISH  DON'T BE 'FUELISH']

[FOOLISH (ADJ): SILLY; RIDICULOUS]

[FUEL (N): MATERIAL SUCH AS COAL, GAS, OR OIL THAT IS BURNED TO PRODUCE HEAT OR POWER]

[PUN STATUS: CRINGEWORTHY]

[DRIVES POLICE CAR THROUGH WALL, SHOOTS EVERYONE IN THE FOOT]

[TARGET ELIMINATED]

["YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF CODE 4.13. YOU ARE UNDER ARREST"]

[ARM YOURSELF WITH A FLU SHOT]

[PUN STATUS: NOT CLEVER]

[RUNS OVER SUSPECTS WITH DELIVERY VAN, SHOOTS FOUR IN THE ARM]

[TARGET ELIMINATED]

["I AM LITERALLY SHOOTING YOU IN THE ARM."]

[GRAB HEALTH BY THE NUTS]

[NUT (N): SA FRUIT CONSISTING OF A HARD OR TOUGH SHELL AROUND AN EDIBLE KERNEL]

[NUT (N): TESTICLE (CONSIDERED VULGAR)]

[PUN STATUS: CRASS]

[PULLS HANDGUN OUT OF THIGH HATCH, SHOOTS SUSPECT IN THE FACE]

[TARGET ELIMINATED]

["WELCOME TO DETROIT, CHUMP."]

[NAPOLEON BONAPARTE  NAPOLEON BLOWNAPART]

[FRENCH GENERAL WHO BECAME EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH (1769-1821)]

[PUN STATUS: UNFUNNY, UNNECESSARY- THERE IS NO NAPOLEON HAT PRESENT]

[EXPLODES MAIN SUPPORT BEAM WHICH CRUSHES EVERYONE HIDING INSIDE]

[TARGET ELIMINATED]

["BOO YAH, DUMBASS."]

[OCCUPY WALL STREET DOGGUPY UNION SQUARE]

[PUN STATUS: DANGEROUSLY AWFUL]

[CAUSING INTERNAL PROBøfl⁄⁄⁄

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❐TT

✩ ✪ ✫ ✬ ✭ ✮ ✯ U+273x ✰ ✱ ✲ ✳ ✴ ✵ ✶ ✷ ✸ ✹ ✺ ❑

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[RESTARTING]

[...]

[.......]

[BIOS SYSTEM CHECK]

[OK]

[CONTINUE MISSION]

[LIQUIDATION LIQWOODATION]

[LIQUIDATION (N): TERMINATION OF A BUSINESS OPERATION BY USING ITS ASSETS TO DISCHARGE ITS LIABILITIES]

[PUN STATUS: POOR]

[DROPS LIT MATCH ONTO STACK OF LUMBER]

[TARGET LIQUIDATED]

["YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?"]

[STRIKE A CHORD STRIKE A CORD]

[CHORD (N): A GROUP OF NOTES SOUNDED TOGETHER, AS A BASIS FOR HARMONY]

[CORD (N): SHORT FOR CORDUROY,  A THICK COTTON FABRIC WITH VELVETY RIBS]

[PUN STATUS: ANNOYING]

[THROWS PROPANE TANK IN AIR, SHOOTS TANK TO MAKE A HARD-TO-IGNORE EXPLOSION]

[TARGET LIQUIDATED]

["YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?"]

[SERIES OF SHIT-AWFUL PUNS, INCLUDING SEVERAL THAT RELATE TO AVOCADOS]

[PUN STATUS: UNBEARABLE]

[DRIVES FUEL TRUCK OFF OVERPASS ONTO ROOF OF SUBWAY STORE]

[TARGET ELIMINATED]

["YOU CAN APPEAL THIS IN COURT."]