And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Burnish or "Antique" Leather Shoes

A brand new pair of shoes looks great, but a pair of beautifully burnished antique ones can look even better. But it usually takes years and years of wear and polish to create the look. Here now are a few steps to achieve the same look in a fraction of the time:

1) First, use a multi-purpose conditioning cream to moisturize the leather and clean off any gunk or stains that might prevent the pores absorbing some new polish. Apply two coats of brown cream polish to the entire shoe by rubbing it in thoroughly, letting the cream dry, and then buffing smooth and repeating.

2)  Next, switch to the darker stuff. Black polish will darken the leather, but only subtly, so don't worry: once the process is done, the leather will only look a little darker. But remember: the darker your shoes are, the less noticeable the effect will be.

3) Follow up the darker polish points with some shoe wax. Rub on a generous amount and then aggressively buff with a chamois. Repeat until those darkened spots are nice and shiny, and your shoes will look beautifully worn!

And speaking of beautifully worn, if you ride in the back of my limo, you'll notice an ashtray in the center and not on the arm rests of the door. I'm trying to keep the leather interior nice, so don't be a jerk and rest your ciggy on the arm rests, capiche? Stay safe, kids.

Wake Me Up Before You Pathmarkmark

Special Holiday/Biblical Edition:

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: My Boys Are Good Boys

My Boys Are Good Boys tells the tale of a group of teenage delinquents who sneak out of prison to pull off an armored car heist. The movie explores universal themes like relationships and spraying cops with homemade sedative devices that dispense stolen medical anesthesia. The kids eventually don't get away with the crime, so it's a cautionary tale about civic responsibility and the fleeting nature of friendship. If they had gotten away with it, it would have been a high-spirited romp about teamwork and the eternal bonds of friendship.











The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:

Mrs. Morton: Did you hear what Priscilla said? She's getting straight A's in chemistry.

Bert Morton: mumble

Mrs. Morton: Is that all you have to say?

Bert Morton: Very nice, Priscilla.

Cassie: Thank you, Mr. Morton.

Mrs. Morton: Bert, you make me so angry. You don't care about anybody but yourself.

Bert Morton: I said very nice. Enough.

Mrs. Morton: It's a whole lot better than that son of yours ever did.

Bert Morton: Tommy is your son too, Bess. If you spent at least the amount of time as you did with her, he'd be okay.

Cassie: Excuse me, but I'll jump out here. I have to meet my mother at the shopping center.

Mrs. Morton: Goodbye darling.











The girl playing Cassie pours all of her acting training behind the simple line "Hurry, someone's coming" in a way so memorable as to earn her:


Click on the video to play:


(For the number one Greatest Performance of All Time, click here)

























The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:


Open on Mrs. Morton in the bedroom reading.

Bert Morton enters the room, looking crestfallen. He holds a bottle of beer in his hand. Mrs. Morton looks up from her book.



Mrs. Morton: Well, you finally did it, you idiot. You're spread all over the front page!






Bert Morton: (tiredly) I have taken all I can take for one day. (takes swig of beer)





Mrs. Morton: You've had all you can take.

She stands up.

Mrs. Morton: Why can't you think of me sometimes? The phone's been ringing off the hook!
Bert finally makes eye contact with her.

Bert Morton: Stop it, Bess.







Mrs. Morton: Don't you dare interrupt me when I'm speaking! I've given you the very best years of my life, and I won't be treated this way!





Bert Morton: Can it!








Mrs. Morton: What did you say?!








Bert slams his beer down on a table.

Bert Morton: Can it! CAN IT! CAAAAN IT!



Exeunt