UAG

UAG

I'm A Strawberry Scooter Crunch, And I'm Here To Tell You Everything's Going To Be Okay

Wassup bitches? I'm sure you've got a lot on your mind lately– your job, your credit card debt, the pandemic of course. But I'm here to bring you comfort and a small soupçon of happiness, because I am a fuckin Strawberry Scooter Crunch.

But, oh, you have bigger problems than a prepackaged ice cream snack can provide? You have to meet with your parole officer who told you on the phone that he doesn't have good news for you? Some family members of yours have joined a doomsday cult and won't stop aggressively trying to recruit you? Your body odor is so out of control that you have to see a Belgian specialist? Well, I never promised that I could solve any major crises in your life. Only a temporary respite from what may be getting you down. I am only a Strawberry Scooter Crunch.

From the delicious crunchy outer layer (made up of... what is this- crumbled cookies?) to the sweet multilayered vanilla-and-strawberry ice cream center, I am the perfect distraction from the fact that the new house you bought was built over a cursed execution site or that your favorite baseball player has gotten the yips.

And long after you've finished me and chucked the popsicle stick, the memory of even having enjoyed me can comfort you as you wait in line at the DMV, get dumped by your therapist or gamble your kids' inheritance at the blackjack table. Salut!

The EADJ Fashion Roundup: Fall Collection

I wanted to help this woman with her zipper in church, but I didn't want to get pepper sprayed.

These two unbearable hipsters were discussing the Gillette Fusion5 vs. ProGlide.

I just recently watched "Us," so seeing this guy in all red kind of freaked me out. Would've been freakier if he were carrying a large scissors.

This represents the entire spectrum of fashion choices women can make.

See? Secret agent men can be frumpy slobs, too.

Names of Public E-Scooters That Are Either Real Or Could Be

Bird

Lime

Jump

Skip

Putz

Bolt

Circ

Slutz

Dott

Fuck

Poppi

Cock

Beam

Trotti

Shits

Spin

Berkowitz

Monday Entry, An Entry For Monday

Click to enlarge, an ad found in Parade Magazine, which comes in most Sunday papers.