Featured Speakers At the Next CES

The upcoming Consumer Electronics Show has booked some notable keynote speakers. Here's who to expect in Hall C:

• TAKIN Home Pregnancy Test CEO Mandy Takins will have intercourse with audience members to test out the latest kits

• Smuckers CEO Don LaGrippe will announce and smoke the new Goober Grape Vape

• Dirt Devil President Garry Rousseau will demonstrate the new "naughty" attachments

• HD DVD promoter Jessica Hundmann will return years later to complain how the HD DVD format was better than Blu Ray all along

• Samsung rep Xi Tsung will reveal the new fuckable TV

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Fight Winter Allergies

It's winter and the air outdoors is crisp and pollen-free. But make sure the air indoors is just as clean to prevent allergies:

1) Make sure you store any firewood outside, to keep mold and pollen where it belongs.

2) Dust and dust mites thrive because of your heating system. Professional cleaners can give your ducts a clean bill of health. Change heat system filters at least once a month.

3) When it's very cold outside, keep your face covered. Going from very cold air to very warm indoor air can trigger an asthma attack.

And speaking of attacks, if you're ever in a relationship that's physically abusive, hire my limo service, get in the car, lock the door, and I'll drive you the hell out of that situation. For free. Be safe kids.