Today We Heckle The Oriental Trading Holiday Catalog

If you ever go to one of those arcades where you pump in countless quarters and end up with a handful of tickets that you can use to purchase useless plastic toy crap? Well, Oriental Trading is where they get that useless plastic toy crap. The holiday catalog has added sections of crap costumes, crap decorations and crap crap.

In a room full of people with ugly sweaters, you can finally stand out from the crowd with the Ugly Sweater Party Sombero. Does it make any sense? No, but look, everyone's looking at you now, puto!

This is a demeaning Nativity costume if there ever was one. I'd rather dress up as a manger turd.

Oh good, you can now get dressed as either Mrs. Claus or Santa's mistress.

Santa A, knowing he was just "good," apparently got belligerently shitfaced before the shoot.

Sadistic hunters string deer up like this before they gut them from crotch to throat.

This stress toy is a friendly reminder that Jesus guides you and also prevents you from murdering everyone at work.

Opening Soon: The EADJ Gerund Film Festival!

EADJ is announcing the EADJ Gerund Film Festival (sponsored by ING), a thrilling and exciting new happening featuring films that are either currently running or are playing on Netflix. Here are the current offerings:

The event will be starting August 13 and running until August 15. After the first screening, there will be another showing and back to-back signings with Eli Manning, Sybil Danning, Dakota Fanning, and Annette Bening. Those hoping for another helping are being invited to participating in the "Taking" Gerund Film Mini-Film Festival, featuring:

Okay, some of these weren't strictly gerunds. Fuck it.

Click here for more information.

A Wedding Gift

(pictured above, my appetite for grilled panini is ruined by the ghost of Clara Withnall, who died in a horrific panini fire on this very spot in 1830. They say her ghost can be heard when you use this panini press late at night. She is supposedly still searching for her missing burnt hand, moaning, "Wheeeere's my hand?")

Also, the panini press itself is a ghost.

Joel of all trades. Master of dick.

Joel didn't do much today. Except his whites in the warm cycle. And eat dick. He's eagerly awaiting a phone call from Paramount Studios, who have apparently taken interest in his script about a skinny copywriter who eats dick and cries during "Grey's Anatomy." The working title is called "Atkins Moonshine & Dick." Johnny Depp, Casper Van Dien, and Joel Thomas have already expressed interest.

(pictured above, the rarest of photos: Reception still open at 5:40 pm)