Shake What The Lord Gave Ya

Yesterday in the ProofrEADJer we had an entry advertising a "Christian tambourine." Let's look more into this, shall we?

TWO WAYS OF PLAYING! This ad helpfully demonstrates how you can both SHAKE the damn thing or HIT the damn thing with your other hand. TWO WAYS, PEOPLE! PRAISE JESUS! Unmute that shit to hear the glory and the power!

But with this exuberance comes caution. Churchgoers are encouraged to play the tambourine BUT they must take care NOT TO DROP it on the ground, as that would break a bell piece off the damn thing.

This was, of course, a warning that the Christian tambourine company's attorneys insisted they include in the ad. Angry customers cannot claim that the tambourine is shoddy if they have been forewarned not to drop it during their Hallelujahs.

An Incomplete List of Things Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

In addition to ruling the pop charts for over a decade, Ariana Grande will have you believe she is the cutest thing EVAR. We respectfully disagree with Ms. Grande and instead offer these things that are easily cuter than her:

• Japanese mascots for tissue paper

• Single Chiclets

• Children wearing little cowboy duster coats

• Miniature corn impaled on regular-sized corn cob holders

• A catfish wearing a bonnet

• Travel sized nose hair trimmers

• The Funko Pop figure of Ariana Grande