A Few Words on "Dream Words"

Well, I call them "dream words" because I don't know what else they're called. But they're any household object that has an inspirational, generic word like "HOPE" or "FRIENDS" or "HEART" or whatever. The intent is to decorate your home with these tchotchkes in order to literally fill the house with love. The actual result is that you've made your home 500% more irritating.


Cuz let's break this shit down for what it is– it's basically aspirational in nature. Someone is littering their house with this in order to remind loved ones that this is a "house of love." And all in a very passive aggressive way, with a paperweight that says "HONOR" or a hallway plaque that says "SHARE." It's really the decorating equivalent of leaving naggy, needy Post-Its everywhere.


Now, I understand if you're a 14-year old girl, this type of stuff is fun and goofy. So a pink alarm clock that says "TIME FOR FUN!" on it is pretty standard for that age. But when 50-year old women strew heart-shaped rocks with the word "HOPE" on it in their gardens, it reeks of tackiness and fart moustaches.



A far darker possibility for having these around is that they are somehow substitutes for actual familial affection. Or that they're for people who have grown old and don't have anyone around anymore. Possibilities that are too sad to even begin joking about on this blog. I mean, we just wrote "fart moustaches" earlier, for crying out loud.


So old biddies and chicks with no taste are welcome to continue buying these horrible things at Hallmark Stores, Bed Bath & Beyonds, and Cracker Barrels. And I will continue smashing them in their homes and blaming it on their cats.

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: All The Kind Strangers

15 minutes into this one, I actually thought, "Man, this might be the best EADJ Crappinema movie yet!" But seeing how the others were so bad, that might not be saying a lot. Still, the story of a man held prisoner by a bunch of psycho hillbilly children is a fantastic premise. Fantastic. In fact, I think they're working on a Broadway musical based on that now.































Then in an attempt to show Peter pondering the fate of Stacy Keach and the woman, the filmmakers saw fit to follow him wandering through the woods with some terrible song playing like a bad 70's video. I took it upon myself to spice it up with a few lyrics of my own:



The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

Woman: Jimmy, Jimmy are you awake?

Stacy Keach: My car, my car is at the bottom of the creek! What happened?

Woman: John upset the boat. He did it as a prank. The other children pulled you out. They were swimming like fish.

Stacy Keach: I know what they swim like...(winces) my head.

Woman: Stay down.

Stacy Keach: They ran my new car right down to the bottom of the creek. And there was a red one there, and a blue one. And a green one.

Woman: Jim, they're gonna vote.

Stacy Keach: Vote?

Woman: On us. Whether to keep us as parents or not.

Stacy Keach: They're gonna vote on us? This is like a bad dream. This is like a joke!

Woman: If they vote no...

Stacy Keach: Look. You said there were others. They must have voted on them. That explains those cars at the bottom of the creek.

Woman: They like us. I know they do, and they'll vote yes. If they do, that'll give us the time to think of a way to get out of here!

Stacy Keach: Caroline, I'm not going to wait around to go on trial by a bunch of crazy kids! Would you mind getting me a pair of pants? I'm sure my size is in that closet.

EXEUNT










So what started out as a promising movie about redneck kids forcibly adopting two adults turns into some life lesson about personal responsibility or whatever. A fairly terribly movie overall. Stacy Keach's finest.