To The Male Employee At The Place Where I Work Who's Too Lazy To Take The Elevator Down To The Lobby To Go Outside And Have Your Stupid Cigarette:

1) You're stinking up the men's bathroom with your cigarette.

2) You're a filthy asshole.

3) You're not fooling anybody.

A Special Message From The Bassist From Spit My Rage

Hi guys.

I'm Dougie, bassist for the hardcore band Spit My Rage. You might remember me from my brutal bass licks on the song "Curse You Out" and from the video for "Knife Heart."

No? Maybe you've memorized the slap-bass style (something I've worked on for six months!) on "P*ss Drunk and Plenty." Or a similar style I used on the main hook for "Darkened Lighthouse," the B-side to our second single, "Scream On, Tabitha."

Still, nothing? That's cool. You follow the band as a whole and haven't learned all the individual band member's names. I guess it doesn't help things that most of our album sales (almost 300!) on iTunes doesn't include liner notes. So I can understand that.

Spit My Rage. You've heard of us, right? Spit My Rage? We're all over the place. We played the Beholden Tour 2006-2009. We were onstage with Cruss at the Milwaukee Summerfest, for crying out loud. We're friggin' famous!

No? Fuck you.

An Open Letter To Jim Koch of Samuel Adams Beer

Hello, Jim Koch, founder and brewmaster of Samuel Adams Beer. How's it going. We're fine, thanks.

You seem like a really cool and down-to-earth guy, so we found it important to bring this up with you: your substance abuse problem. And I think you know what we're talking about.


No, not the drinking. In your field of expertise, it's only natural to drink quite a bit of your product (which is absolutely delish, by the way) since you have to produce a Sam Adams White Ale in the spring, a Summer Ale, an Octoberfest in autumn and a Winter Lager. It's all part of the job that you're sampling pints and pints of delicious beer. Hell, we like to drink a pint or eight every once in a while at a bar, sit back with two hands full of lager and our penis out. Sure, who doesn't?


The problem we're talking about is your sniffing hops. Which you apparently do a lot of. A lot.



Listen to Holly Amert, your Bavarian Hops seller @ :20:


"He doesn't sniff. He dives in the hops."

You hear that, Jim? That's a concerned employee of yours, describing you as diving into hops at every possible opportunity. We counted you sniffing hops at least three times in that commercial alone. And that's not only disturbing, that's unhygienic.



Who knows how many times you snort wheat when the cameras are off? Maybe you sit at home with a "hops trough" under your nose that you've fashioned out of CD cases and wire hangers. Maybe you've fired the employees who've found you in the executive bathroom stall, barely conscious with broken hops littering your chest. Maybe you've developed a faint green ring around your nostrils that you're hoping no one notices.




Consider this a digital intervention, Jim. This is on behalf of all your friends, loved ones, and employees who care so much about you. Lay off the hops, step back, and get a hold of yourself. Or at least move on to something less addictive, like smelling Yankee Candles.

Best Reaction Ever.

J'Net's reaction upon seeing Goatse for the first time:

"He's married."