Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract changes, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• Celery Fights

• The Jenny McCarthy Grab Bag of Almost-Comedy

• 4 Straight Hours of Ted Cruz Doing The Tootsie Roll

• Plane Crash Survivors Looking Longingly At Each Other

• This Week in Fantasy Football Commentary

• Even Younger Sheldon

The following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• Celery Fights: The Movie

• Something Paul Walker Passed On (No Pun Intended)

• Cooking Spätzle: A German Family Memoir

• Drunk Tank Webcam

• Shitty YouTube Pranksters Get Served Notices

• Conditioner!

• E-Z Pass Kills: The Toll Booth Operators Documentary

Shitty Movie Unsolicited Tagline Dreamworld

Here are more un-asked for tag lines for the movie "Avalanche Sharks," now playing on some channel on your cable box. Probably Discovery or History Channel. Maybe Spike? Fuck.

Behold, As We Brutally Assign Real Death Metal Band Names To Each Person In The NJ Transit Survey Brochure Photo

(Editor's Note: Play this song while reading)

Unleash the unholy, consume the damned, and feast on the entrails of death metal as we pair up members of the New Jersey Transit brochure photo with real life death metal band names.

1) "Jesse" = INACTIVE MESSIAH

Jesse's lack of engagement and sitting like a lump has earned him the same name as the Greek melodic death metal band, founded in Athens, and unsurprisingly known for letting their domain name payments lapse, leaving it vulnerable to a Chinese takeover.

Runner up: Painstruck

2) "Jess" = RIBSPREADER

Jess was given the band name Ribspreader for no other reason than she was doing something odd with her hands down by her ribs. Not really much to elaborate with here, other than Ribspreader is a Swedish death metal band whose albums include "Bolted To The Cross" and "Congregating The Sick."

Runner up: Hatebeak

3) "Angie" = BEHEADED

Beheaded is a death metal band from Malta who released the appropriately titled album "Recounts of Disembodiment."

Runners up: Decapitated, Dismember, and Cephalic Carnage

4) "Trina" = THE CHASM

No mystery why we paired Trina with The Chasm. Look at that cleave.

Runner Up: Goatwhore

5) "Don With The Thumbs" = DESPISED ICON

Don, the self proclaimer, the self promoter, the "this guy" earns himself the new nickname Despised Icon. The band is a deathcore group from Montreal, Quebec and is notable for the use of two vocalists: Alexandre Erian, who takes use of a mid-range screaming technique and Steve Marois for the low growling vocals.

Runners up: Infernäl Mäjesty, Ebony Tears

6) "Simon Peter" = STRAPPING YOUNG LAD

The ineffectual Simon Peter gets a death metal overhaul via association with an Canadian "extreme metal band" from Vancouver, British Columbia. Strapping Young Lad started as Devin Townsend's one-man studio project but then didn't. They broke up in 2012.

Runner up: NonExist