The EADJ Fiverr Experiment: Next Steps

So Fiverr refunded me the $110 since whatshername refused to provide a service that I paid for (grrrrr). Well, actually, no. They didn't refund me so much as give me a CREDIT to use for other Fiverr services. And the good news was, there are a lot of cheaper options, so I can hire a bunch of them!

Sweet! So I pulled the trigger on the Colorado cabin writer (????) for a five-spot, and then I hired this dude:

I hired him to make a death metal logo that says EAT A DICK JOEL!

And you know what? This gent promptly wrote me back, asking me to name death metal band logos I like for reference so he can get started! Ain't that a peach? So I sent him these three:

Those logos say "Defeated Sanity," "Gurglectomy" and "Heathen Hammer," but you probably already knew that. Boy, my mood on this Fiverr Experiment got a lot better since Mrs. "I Will Write For Your Blog". Things are looking up! *Walks away whistling*

The Most Important Thing A Father Can Do For His Children Is To Love Their Pathmark

Behold, As We Brutally Assign Real Death Metal Band Names To Each Person In The NJ Transit Survey Brochure Photo

(Editor's Note: Play this song while reading)

Unleash the unholy, consume the damned, and feast on the entrails of death metal as we pair up members of the New Jersey Transit brochure photo with real life death metal band names.

1) "Jesse" = INACTIVE MESSIAH

Jesse's lack of engagement and sitting like a lump has earned him the same name as the Greek melodic death metal band, founded in Athens, and unsurprisingly known for letting their domain name payments lapse, leaving it vulnerable to a Chinese takeover.

Runner up: Painstruck

2) "Jess" = RIBSPREADER

Jess was given the band name Ribspreader for no other reason than she was doing something odd with her hands down by her ribs. Not really much to elaborate with here, other than Ribspreader is a Swedish death metal band whose albums include "Bolted To The Cross" and "Congregating The Sick."

Runner up: Hatebeak

3) "Angie" = BEHEADED

Beheaded is a death metal band from Malta who released the appropriately titled album "Recounts of Disembodiment."

Runners up: Decapitated, Dismember, and Cephalic Carnage

4) "Trina" = THE CHASM

No mystery why we paired Trina with The Chasm. Look at that cleave.

Runner Up: Goatwhore

5) "Don With The Thumbs" = DESPISED ICON

Don, the self proclaimer, the self promoter, the "this guy" earns himself the new nickname Despised Icon. The band is a deathcore group from Montreal, Quebec and is notable for the use of two vocalists: Alexandre Erian, who takes use of a mid-range screaming technique and Steve Marois for the low growling vocals.

Runners up: Infernäl Mäjesty, Ebony Tears

6) "Simon Peter" = STRAPPING YOUNG LAD

The ineffectual Simon Peter gets a death metal overhaul via association with an Canadian "extreme metal band" from Vancouver, British Columbia. Strapping Young Lad started as Devin Townsend's one-man studio project but then didn't. They broke up in 2012.

Runner up: NonExist

How's This For A Depressing Piece of Junk Mail

Man, there are so many perks to being Catholic. Like the inherent cultural guilt. Or the forty or so odd confirmation ceremonies you have to endure before you're an "adult." Or getting on the mailing list of the Archdiocese of Newark so you receive junk mail for mausoleum plots. 

I got this lovely full-color brochure for the "beautiful and majestic" Gate of Heaven Chapel Mausoleum just last week, and I gotta say, if I hadn't watched "Phantasm" back in the day, I'd consider chucking my corpse in one of those dresser drawers. No I wouldn't.  

I guess the most interesting part of the brochure is the "0% interest financing," which means this bad boy is probably pretty expensive. I guess it either teaches young people the value of saving all the way up till they grow up and croak or gives dying people the opportunity to really stick some serious debt to their loved ones. Because fuck them. Especially Nancy.

(Don't think that it escaped me that the two previous jokes centered around Germans.)

Stay tuned as I come around to downloading the mobile app to see what the heck that thing does. Because I'm curious now. Can you talk to the dead with it? Does it offer human remains Instagram filters? Does it track the police so you and your teen girlfriend can get it on under the gazebo?

2012 Election Day Coverage, Sponsored by Utz

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Come On Now, Blogger

Very recently we at EADJ pointed out technical difficulties with our blog service, which we hoped was a one-time glitch in our five-year run. And today, we found another impediment to posting regularly on this blog:


Where there would normally be a sign-in button was instead a cropped out row of blog templates. So now I can't even log in to post!

But how did I blog in just now to post this post, you ask? What are you, a cop?