Surprises From Last Week's VidCon

VidCon 2024 has wrapped up, and the industry's leading forum for content creators and. influencers provided lots of surprises to fans and the press. Some highlights:

• Ciabatta Bot used A.I. to make everyone ciabattas.

• Front Dump performed a cover of Gracie Abramss' "I Should Hate You"

• The Diarrhea Sisters gave out free samples

• Jake Paul got knocked out by a Dyson vacuum cleaner

• Khaby Lame appeared to scores of bowing, adoring fans while being carried on a golden palanquin

• Computer generated A.I. hologram influencer ▓▒░█▄■ absorbed a teenage boy and became flesh

UAG

Pizza Flavored, My Eye

Hey food companies and snack conglomerates: PLEASE STOP MAKING PIZZA FLAVORED THINGS. It never works. Ever. The promise of eating something flavored like pizza will never capture the total flavor and texture of eating a slice, no matter how many chemicals you spray on whatever.

At the very most, what you created approximates pizza in some way, with hints of cheese flavor and pepperoni flavor and burnt dough flavor, but ultimately, it's a bad semblance of the real thing.

So instead of piping hot pizza, you have room temperature bagel with bagel texture that doesn't taste like a bagel but instead tastes kind of like pizza. Yuck.

Look at this shit. Lay's promises the chips you eat here will taste like a gooey deep dish Chicago style pizza. Now I'm not the biggest fan of deep dish, but looking at that great photo, I'd rather eat that than some average chips sprayed with essence of marinara sauce. Hell, even dipping Lay's chips INTO heated marinara sauce won't be as good as pizza.

So, stop. You're never going to pull it off. Ever. Stop trying to make it. No one asked you to do it. No one wants something like pizza when THEY CAN HAVE PIZZA. Okay? Stop. Stop it. Stop. Please. Please stop.

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

"Okay, I bought a thousand copies of 'Brewster's Millions'. How much was that?"

"I'm back, Dad! Wait, you didn't even notice I was gone?! 🙁"

"Wait, where's my horse? THOSE LITTLE FUCKERS!"

"Me, Jane. You, white man in jungle trying to co-opt primate culture for likes."

"F"

"You want to hire the Iceman? Yeah, I'll ice anybody you need me to ice, for the right price. You're not a cop, are you? Because icing somebody means killing, which is illegal."

"Barney, I think we're about to have a pointless, wacky foot chase around the castle and end up in exactly the same spot!"

"This pillow you got from D.C. is so delightfully soft! The feathers are so bouncy! What was the secret, you say?"

"I know what you're gonna say. I get it all the time. But yeah, I am not him. I admit, my name is similar. So don't even make a joke about it and start talking funny."

"Привет!"

Spotted on FB

Jesus. I'd have trouble spelling my name if it was that. 

New Year's Resolutions of the Info Wars Staff

The following are the New Year's resolutions that the staff of Info Wars have made for themselves for 2024:

• Drop at least 30 IQ points

• Exercise more by chasing wild geese in news stories

• Finally accept that the moon landing was faked by Hobbit ghosts instead of Pirate zombies

• Take the fake news more seriously

• Pay more attention to the racist voices in my head

• Dress more like Steve Bannon

• Get the Cybertruck tuned up

• Proofread that manifesto before making 10,000 to air drop over New York City

UAG