The Off-Brand TP Round-Up Returns

Brand: Platinum Facial Quality Bathroom Tissue

Brand Features: A piss yellow wrapper with a background of either clouds or fried chicken

Feels Like: 2-ply fried chicken

Brand: Monogram Toilet Tissue Rolls

Brand Features: Features CLEANING and DISPOSABLES(?) with little blue leaves

Feels Like: Getting a wedgy in burlap bike shorts

Brand: Crystal 525

Brand Features: A white dove and white flowers

Feels Like: Wiping with parchment on fire

Brand: Softouch Quality Bathroom Tissue

Brand Features: A nondescript blue oval. Some friendly rounded letters.

Feels Like: Getting slapped on the anus with streamers

Brand: Elegant Essentials

Brand Features: "Made With 100% Recycled Fibers"

Feels Like: Some of those fibers were steel wool from the apocalypse