UAG

||| The |||||| |||||||| Lobsterfest® At Red Lobster ||||| Until ||||| |||||||||| |||| ||||||||||||||

Lobsterfest has become less of a temporary promotion and more of a cultural phenomenon. People refuse to leave the restaurant grounds, often setting up camp in the grassy island in the parking lot and tanning the hides of deer that they've hunted on the highway. To not anger them any further, we have decided to announce all new ways for them to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster. Here are the latest:



• We literally soak everyone in butter in a special tub at the entrance in advance. Then when they eat lobster at their table, they don't have to dip their meat into any pesky butter dishes. The butter soaking their clothes will also act as a constant reminder that they are welcome to come back anytime to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest™ At Red Lobster. Which we hope the fuck works.

• Lobster bibs? No, we are talking lobster mumus! And wheelbarrows full of lobster! And a punchbowl full of macaroons! What diet, bitch? That's a totally valid way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster. DON'T JUDGE ME.

• Okay, bear with me now, but what if we *didn't* serve lobster? What if instead of lobster we served hummus and pita bread, with a large pan of delicious crudité made from bell peppers, carrot sticks, and broccoli? I know it sounds crazy, but goddamn, that would be tasty, cause Carla and I are really sick of eating lobster. Please, just this once can we enjoy something else for Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster?

• We boil our lobsters in basins shaped like your head, so it looks like your ideas are boiling over! All your friends will compliment you on your fertile imagination and girls will stop looking at you like you just raped their grandma. Now that there there is one heckuva way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest™ at Red Lobster!

• We name four of our lobsters Ringo, John, Paul, and George. We dress them in those colorful Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band uniforms and lower them slowly into boiling water, right when they start on "Lovely Rita" on the second side of the album, which for my money is the worst song on there, anyway. Is that really another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest™ at Red Lobster? No.

• ¿Bien, el oso conmigo ahora, pero lo que si nosotros *hizo no* sirve langosta? ¿Qué si en vez de langosta nosotros servimos paté de garbanzos y pita pan, con una cacerola grande de crudité delicioso hizo de pimientos, de palos de zanahoria, y del brécol? Sé que suena loco, pero maldito, eso sería sabroso, la causa Carla y yo están realmente enfermos de comer langosta. ¿Por favor, podemos esta vez nada más nosotros disfrutamos de algo más para Lobsterfest® en Langosta Roja?

• How 'bout I get a two by four and whoop some serious ass up in this motherfucker. How 'bout that shit. Another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

I [Bladder] New York

The ubiquity of cell phones combined with the dearth of public restrooms have created a new use for old public phone kiosks in New York City. Guess what it is.


That's right. Pee! The semi-privacy combined with the fact that no one uses them anymore (many of the phones haven't functioned for ages) make them perfect places to answer nature's call (LOL!) anywhere in the city. Got a cup? Then you got yourself a urinal, my friend!


The streaks indicate that some people aim high.





So now you're asking, have I done this before? What, are you nuts? Like many others, I choose to go to the nearest bar, order a beer, chug it and use the bathroom, then have a full bladder when I leave, making the entire trip useless. Don't you?






♪ New York...Concrete jungle where pee's dis-posed of... ♫

An Important Message From Delight

Hi boys.

Now, because of the recent crisis in Haiti, there are a lot of B- and C-list celebrities like Heidi Montag and that Tila Tequila chick who are jumping on the bandwagon and urging people to give generously to the Red Cross or whatever. I'm here to tell you that although, yes, these are useless, parasitic famewhores using this terrible tragedy to call even more undeserved attention to themselves, at least they are pointing some people in the right direction.

You can donate to Haiti relief to:
• The Red Cross
• Doctors Without Borders
• Hope For Haiti

Thank you all for your time. Now, has anyone seen my spangled thong? It was pink and it smelled like Lysol.

EADJ FTW!

Hey, remember that July EADJ entry where we totally ragged on TGI Fridays' chef / "food dude" Guy Fieri?


Well, I guess he couldn't take it, cuz look how sad he is now on a more recent menu cover.


EADJ fucked your mother, Fieri! Cock a doodle ballsack!