Previews From This Year's Consumer Electronics Show

The Consumer Electronics Show is about to begin in Las Vegas next week. Here are some of the highly anticipated releases that electronics enthusiasts are hoping to see:

• a thicker LED screen that resembles an old plasma TV

• the retro Circuit City haunted bouncy castle

• cordless slippers

• A.I. powered Magic 8-Ball that will eventually tell you to kill your neighborhood

• a wifi enabled washing machine that wastes time scrolling on X (formerly Twitter)

• a neon sign powered by ramen noodle spice packets

• wireless electric blanket that only works because it has a Skrillex logo on it

• a very, very, very painful teleporter

• special microwave oven doors that will never accidentally close on your balls. We tried.

Only During A Pandemic

 

Pictured above: they've finally designed a giant blender to chop up any students they detect has Covid.

Other Crap That Came Out Of Stacey Dash's Mouth

Actress Stacey Dash has lately made herself a reliable source of controversy due to comments she makes as a pundit on the Fox News channel. Her seemingly contrary positions on Black History Month, BET,  transgender bathroom rights ("Go in the bushes."), and Paula Deen have people wondering what other positions she has taken. EADJ has done some fake research, and here are a few:


• She's convinced the Toyota girl, the AT&T girl, and Flo from Progressive are all secret lesbians.

• She won't look into a bathroom mirror in the dark and say "Barack Obama" three times, because that means he'll appear and provide affordable healthcare to all Americans.

• She thinks Kim Jong Il has cute dimples

• Donald Trump is a patient, thoughtful, humble politician who's reluctantly running for President because he feels the shrinking middle class has lost a voice in Washington.

• Helium makes balloons sink.

• She believes 9/11 was perpetrated by Gremlins, who by the way are atheists.

• Because of the lyrics to the song "Every Breath You Take," she has put a 1000-yard restraining order on Sting.

• Stacey Dash sides with the Joker and Penguin on almost every episode of "Batman."

• You like the vertical striped curtains? Stacey Dash liked the horizontal stripes better.

• She says Listerine is run by Jews who are trying to rid your gums of "good, Christian germs."

• She thought Season 2 of "True Detective" was awesome.

• Solar energy is a direct hippie Muslim attack on honest, hardworking oil companies who love the Lord.

• Alicia Silverstone is a good actress.

Blackberry Face II

The EADJ Blackberry Face is proud to announce a new addition to their exhibit: "Frank."


This coupled with our existing exhibit, "Maggie," now doubles the Blackberry Face exhibit, already on display:


:C

This Week of EADJ Is Brought To You By OraMoist

OraMoist is the first over-the-counter time-released dry mouth disc for whoever has extremely dry mouths, whether it's folks who stand around with their mouths open all day (see Sean "Diddy" Combs) or dudes what smoked a serious bunch of kush, knowhutImean, bud? Huh huh huh huh


Here's how OraMoist works: You stick the disc at the top of your mouth, which stays there for a good 4 hours, then you walk around with a mouth full of spit like Pavlov's fucking dog, drooling all over your shirt and making the girls at work think you're some kind of pervert.




Try OraMoist today, and enjoy the benefits of spitting a huge wad in the face of your sworn enemy! C'est magnifique!

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with Presidential Inauguration Facts

Yeah, I don't know a ton about inaugurations, so I'm just gonna wing it, if that's okay:

Thomas Jefferson was the first President to be sworn in wearing a hat.

James Polk was sworn in on a copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves."

Herbert Hoover won both a Strongest Man contest and a radio call-in competition the day before his inauguration.

The word "inauguration" means "hobo marriage" in Swahili.

Bill Clinton was inaugurated not on the Capitol steps but at a Caribou Coffee in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.


I'm gonna quit right there, because I feel foolish making this stuff up. I don't like pretending to know about something that I really don't. Like that time some dean for some university rode in my town car and started talking about the deficit. I started running my mouth and could tell in the rear view mirror that he wasn't buying it. That was an uncomfortable ride.