UAG

EADJ Fun Activity Corner

Look at all the screenshots for the mobile game Campus Life and try to find a single picture of a fucking book. Bet you can't!

Screenshots are dated 2013. I can't believe I waited 7 years to post this shit.

"You Gotta Want It!"

Picture above, the Baby Jesus does some crunches while he waits for his birthday.

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Kix Cereal

Hey Kix Cereal, FUCK YOU.


Ever since I was a little kid, Kix Cereal, your box has grabbed my attention with wacky, fun looking lettering and bright colors, promising a fun and sugar-filled Saturday morning. WRONG.

Let me just say that there is NOTHING fun about you as a cereal. Kix is basically Trix with all the coloring and sugar sapped out of it: small, beige round pieces that aren't even big enough to make a satisfying crunch. I'm sure this is the shit they palm off on the Trix Rabbit whenever he comes round Jonesing for the good stuff.


"Kid-Tested, Mother Approved" is the slogan they've been touting for decades. Notice they never said "Kid-Approved" or "Kid-Appreciated." Instead, they "tested" this stuff on kids like they're guinea pigs in some insidious government experiment about the opposite of fun. And for those of you who like your boring with berry taste, try new Berry Berry Kix! It's the same amount of disappointment and ennui-in-a-bowl, but with the faint flavor of berry to further frustrate you!

Kix, go to hell and suck m'balls.

A Cause For Concern in Aisle 3.

There's a noticeable problem arising in supermarkets across the country, and it's taking hold of our breakfast cereals. Not the predominance of fat and sugar in the cereal, mind you; I'm talking about the over-enthusiasm of mascots on the box art. It used to be an aisle full of the harmless, smiling faces of your spokesanimal buddies. Now it's like you're afraid of getting gang-raped there.


"Crazy" used to belong to a select few characters. Their M.O.: disguise themselves so they can steal the cereal from the kids. They always get close to their object of desire but lose their shit at the last moment, foiling themselves every time. It's like the myth of Tantalus played between cartoons every Saturday morning. This was the realm of Sonny and the Trix Rabbit. Some well-defined territory.


But by turning every single one of these mascots into zealots, it's made ALL of them bizarro nutjobs. I feel like they want to give me a "personality test" and tell me of all the thetans that are trapped in my earthly body. Creep-a-roni!


Sad, really. Like nobody has dignity anymore.


Crunch-atizing someone consists of strangling them with an extension cord and burying them in a shallow grave in the woods, btw.


Even flesh 'n blood humans are acting cartoon-wacky. Check out these two.


Calm down, you whores. And yes, even the ones considered cool customers have a hint of psycho in them now. Half open eyes + slack jaw = deranged


I guess I'm supposed to write some sort of wrap-up line here, but fuck it. Just calm down, cereal critters.

Bouncy Bouncy Sexy Time.

The following is an account of an actual encounter between Joel and a Los Angeles policeman:

COP: License and registration.

JOEL: What?

COP: License and registration, please.

JOEL: Have I done something?

COP: Do you know why I've stopped you sir?

JOEL: You didn't. I was parked here.

COP: (pause) Oh.

(awkward pause)

COP: Do you know why I'm talking to you?

JOEL: No, why?

COP: Because you're parked in a loading zone.

(writes ticket, hands to Joel)

JOEL: Is parking the jurisdiction of Highway Patrol?

COP: Hmm. Probably.

JOEL: Why did you check the box that said "Speeding in a school zone?"

COP: It's the only one that said "zone."

JOEL: It's 6 points on my license and $500.

COP: Hey, is that a Meximelt you're eating?

JOEL: Why do you have your penis out?

(pictured above, the latest nonexercise-nonclass taught at Crunch)