A Message From The Lettuce In Your Salad

Hey. I know you're about to enjoy this salad that I'm in, but I just wanted to get this out before you start:

You can't escape me. 

I mean it. You can't avoid me. You can add shredded chicken, cheese, cherry tomatoes, croutons... whatever, I don't care. Knock yourself out. But you can't get away from lettuce. I AM THE SALAD.

You can drench me in dressing. You can sprinkle bacon bits. You can even throw a hard boiled egg in there, I don't give a shit. All that extra stuff will be happily devoured by you, but you will still be facing ME when it's over. I'll be seeing you.

Hahahahaha look at me at the bottom of the bowl! I told you! I AM INEVITABLE.

Trouble At Target

Spotted at Target, somebody punched a poster of an infant in the crotch.

UAG

Updated Schedule For VidCon 2023

Social media's biggest "stars" are coming together later this month to VidCon, and tickets are selling like hotcakes! But last minute line-up changes have shifted the featured guest schedule. Here are the newest additions:

• Reaction video star Gakey Wong will be mugging and gawking from the side of the stage without giving credit to whoever is onstage

• As per usual, Yammo and Queediddly will be assaulting and harassing random people, claiming that they're "pranks"

• Anime superstar Hokusansa will be possessing a lucky fan's body to enter the real world

• Justin Bieber will return to his early YouTube roots and will perform a song that nobody watches

• A bunch of manosphere podcasters will appear onstage and start arguing and making out with each other

Fringe Backdrop

A Deli's Infuriating Lack Of A Line

You walk into a South Orange deli and you see this scattershot bullshit of people kind of in line and others standing near where the line is, but you have no idea who has ordered already. How can you tell? 

Today we break down what everyone in this deli was up to:

1) Couple was CLEARLY ORDERING. We know that. Good.

2) Guy was standing off to the side, NOT behind the couple, so he's probably ordered already or is a DoorDasher waiting for a takeout order.

3) Top knot lady is sort of in line but not directly behind the others. So of all these people, she's the one that you really can't tell whether she's ordered or knot.

4) Guy just facing the area from afar has probably NOT ordered yet but hasn't taken the initiative to get in a REAL FUCKING LINE.

So frustrating trying to read this amorphous crowd. How do you New Yorkers in bodegas do it?

"Life is Really Simple, But We Insist on Making It Pathmark."

 

Some Upcoming Conspiracy Theories To Be Floated by InfoWars

Alex Jones, his toupee, and his group of talented writers are all working on the next batch of news stories conspiracy theories for their listeners. Here are the latest:

• The government is creating a national "postal service" where they will have government agents deliver mail TO YOUR HOME.

• Shrinky Dinks, when baked in the oven, released toxic chemicals into your kitchen to make you vote Democrat

• Taco Bell Cinnamon Crispas weren't a real Mexican dessert item. THEY WERE INVENTED BY PEPSICO

• Our staff did some research after listening to The Boomtown Rats and found out Boomtown does not exist, so those rats lied about where they're from

• In the Highlights Magazine segment "Goofus & Gallant", it turns out GOOFUS was the good guy all along!!!!!

• When you get a cramp in your leg while taking a shit, that's just Jesus saying "wassup" to you

Raining Blood and Containing Bud

Spotted on FB, a Slayer + Igloo product tie-in:

Fancy a refreshing beverage whilst burning in Hell?

Spotted In South Orange

An event space for people who want it catered by the Little Rascals: 

The ProofrEADJer: June Edition