In Honor Of May the Fourth, Here Are The Latest Star Wars Tie-In Merchandise

It's no secret that Lucasfilm's Star Wars properties are very big business in the merchandising world, especially since Disney acquired them in 2012. Here are the latest products you can expect on store shelves from the marketing juggernaut:

Star Wars Mouse & Insect Glue Traps

There's no need to bullseye womp rats from your T-16 when you can just lay these pre-baited adhesive glue traps to catch them in your moisture farm grain silo. Also catches Earth mice!

Star Wars Diabetic Socks

A large majority of SW fans have health issues connected to obesity. Diabetes is one of them. These special socks provide support for circulatory problems related to diabetes, whether you're standing in line for the Hall H panel in San Diego or participating in the Running of the Willrow Hoods.

Star Wars X Massengill Douche

Female Star Wars fans have been ignored for too long. But that's the past, as Star Wars partners with douche giant Massengill to offer natural SW-themed freshness to vaginae across the galaxy.

Star Wars Brake Pads

George Lucas was always a fan of speed, whether it was the hot rods in American Graffiti or the pod racers in Episode 1. These Star Wars branded brake pads provide the responsible counter to runaway speeds, offering safety, control and long-lasting reliability you can expect from Star Wars merchandise.

The ProofrEADJer: May Edition

Let's Drizzle Some Habanera Chipotle Sauce Atop the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Emily Kane via text: 

Amazon link here.

And here's a bonus meme from Emily:

Dog Park Missed Connections

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: The half Pug with the limp (or strut?)

Me: The Border Collie chasing that leaf

Heeeey! I think we made a connection over by the poop trash can! I'm new in town! You wanna grab coffee later? Bye!

You: The Boston Terrier with the leather collar

Me: The shy Maltese

I never do these types of things, but you caught my eye and I noticed you still have your balls. Call me?

You: the Cockapoo

Me: the Pomsky

Hello! We mixed breeds should hang out and possibly invent some new breeds! (Is that too forward?)

A Few Questions For the Set Decorator of the 1986 Film "Top Gun"

• Why is there a bulletin board in the men's locker room right by the showers? Wouldn't all that moisture make the notices and paper wet?

• Why put it right in front of a bench where wet people would lean against it and get ink all over themselves?

• Why would they need to put FIGHTER WEAPONS SCHOOL at the top of it if all the trainees already knew where they were?

• Why is there a Navy recruiting poster? They're already enrolled in the Navy.

• What is a 'Bandit Day'? This was never mentioned in the film.

• Is Maverick interested in that used guitar for sale? Does he even have the time to pick up a hobby like that?

• Who approves what notices can or cannot be posted on the bulletin board? Is it CAG Stinger? It is, isn't it?

UAG

Kickstarter's Funded and Failed Projects, April 2022

The following Kickstarter campaigns were the most successful crowdfunding campaigns for this month:  

• Toddler clothes for adults to wear while they're using coloring books for adults

• Digital bladeless pizza cutter

• Luggage that grunts when you sit on it to close the zipper when it's overpacked

• A DVD box set of Guardians of the Galaxy films with all of Groot's dialogue replaced with Beastie Boys' Ad Rock saying "DRRROPP?"

The following Kickstarter campaigns were the least successful crowdfunding campaigns of this month: 

• Tap shoes for goths

• Cold sore cream that smells like former White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney's asshole

• Titty lathe

• Eco-friendly disposable water bottles that actually break down after 30 million years

• Cat belts