Jersey-Style!

Vince reacts to the bowling balls in our back yard.

"Conversation" Starter

There's a conductor on the NJ Transit train who I've noticed mispronounces one of these names of the stops on my route:

Maplewood
Millburn
Short Hills
Chatham
Madison
Convent Station
Morristown
Morris Plains
Denville
Dover

At first I thought I was hearing things, but he made the announcement three times and I heard it every time: he announces "Convent Station" as "Conversation."


I know what you're thinking: "Aw, he's just saying it so fast that it sounds like 'conversation.'" Well, you're wrong, homeslice. I may blast Pantera on my iPod, but I can still hear clearly once in a while.


Video proof:



Maplewood
Millburn
Short Hills
Chatham
Madison
Convent Station
Morristown
Morris Plains
Denville
Dover

I swear he says "conversation." Watch it again.

Ew.

Pictured above, an ad for herpes.

A Few Things To Keep In Mind When Waiting A Long Time Surrounded By Balloons

1) Cheer up– there are balloons around you!

2) Whatever it is you're waiting for will come eventually. There's no need to take your frustrations out on the balloons.

3) Think on the bright side– you could be waiting somewhere that doesn't have balloons.

4) There have to be hundreds of ways to occupy your time with balloons until whatever you're waiting for arrives or happens. Literally hundreds.

5) Did we mention that there are balloons around you?

6) If you're thinking of sighing because you've been waiting a long time, just use that sigh to inflate a balloon instead. Everybody wins.

7) This is fun: if you have to wait a very long time, the balloons slowly sinking as a result of the helium depleting can act as a sort of timekeeping device.

8) Now would be an excellent time to start a game of solitaire. Because anyone who would normally give you unsolicited advice about placing red six on black seven would be screened out by the balloons.

9) Say "balloon" out loud to yourself a few times. Around the eighteenth time, it doesn't even sound like a real word. Bah-loon.

10) If you happen to be actually waiting for balloons, YOUR WAIT IS OVER!

These and many other tips are made possible by the New York Council of Waiting Amidst Balloons.

Spotted Outside Detroit

Precision Slitting Service in Romulus, Michigan.


From some website:
Precision Slitting Svc is a private company categorized under "Metal Slitting and Shearing" and located in Romulus, MI. It was established in 1961 and incorporated in Michigan. Current estimates show this company has an annual revenue of $10 to 20 million and employs a staff of approximately 20 to 49. Four guys do the shearing, while another six do the slitting. All of the slitting is done on site, although one time an employee (probably Hank) did some extra slitting at home because he was drunk. The slitting is monitored carefully by a slitting robot named Carol who the boys have snarkily outfitted in short shorts and an Aerosmith tshirt. The shirt is from the "Get Your Wings" tour.

Mailwar: A First Shot is Fired

I got a strange package in the mail the other week. Since I order crap from ThinkGeek and Bloodshot Records occasionally, I didn't think of it.


But then I opened it. Did I order a watch?


Pens? I didn't...what the?!


Son of a bitch.

Description:
"This smooth-writing, retractable plastic pen features contemporary styling, with a metallic burgundy barrel accented by silver tip and clip top. The silver imprint features Laura's name and autograph, her official website, as well as the legacy phrase. An inexpensive pen for daily use, or to have on hand to pass out to friends or to pique someone's interest in Laura! Medium point, black ink."




I know exactly who sent this to me. MIG PONCE. Some of you who went to my bachelor party know of his legend. There are even quite a few people who know his name but are convinced that he doesn't even exist.


Well, this will NOT STAND. I must retaliate. Luckily, Mig left a RETURN ADDRESS! I will mail him something stupid very soon. I'll keep you posted as to whether the package will be Laura Branigan-related or not. I already have some ideas.

Breakfast.

Not to be outdone by KFC's Double Down chicken-as-the-bread sandwich, IHOP announced their new Pancake Stackers, where cheesecake turds are sandwiched between pancakes with fruit and a dollop of whipped cream on top.

"Customers can now enjoy pancakes– an already unhealthy, carby breakfast– with unnecessarily sweet fruit topping and a super-high calorie dessert in between," said Helen Trenton, VP of Marketing, "Pour some lingonberry syrup on top of all that, and PanCAKES with cheeseCAKE will now be the biggest pigfucker breakfast on the planet!"

Mrs. Trenton then gagged and gave a doctor the finger.