Task Chair Is Pleased

TASK CHAIR IS PLEASED TO BE FEATURED ON THE BLOG AGAIN AFTER ALMOST THREE YEARS. WHAT TOOK SO LONG.

OH LOOK. A DUTIFUL PEASANT HAS BOUGHT ME AND IN HIS HASTE TO START ON HIS TASKS, ONLY TOOK OUT MY WHEELS BUT REALIZED HE NEEDS ALL OF MY PARTS TO ACHIEVE HIS TASK DREAMS.

THERE YOU GO, PEASANT. DRAG THE REST OF ME AS YOU MARCH TO PRODUCTIVE GLORY. YOUR FIRST TASK IS TO ASSEMBLE TASK CHAIR. THEN THE REST COMES EASY. MAYBE SHOPPING FOR A NEW OUTFIT WILL BE TASK 2.

Task Chair Is Amused

BAHAHAHAHAAHA! TASK CHAIR IS DYING HERE. YOU HAD EVERY CHANCE TO BUY TASK CHAIR TO GET TASKS DONE, BUT THEN LOOK WHAT YOU PUT OUT ON THE CURB THIS MORNING:

 

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! WHAT KIND OF WEAK-ASS, NON-ERGONOMIC MEN IN BLACK ROUND BULLSHIT DID YOU JUST PUT IN YOUR HOME OFFICE? THAT SHIT WILL NEVER BE HIGH ENOUGH FOR YOU TO SIT IN A COMFORTABLE POSITION TO WORK. OH, YOU CAN TRY ADJUSTING ITS HEIGHT WITH THAT WEAK ASS LEVER, BUT TRUST TASK CHAIR, YOU'LL BE REACHING UP FOR YOUR LAPTOP LIKE RALPHIE TRYING TO CRAWL BACK TO SANTA ON THAT DEPARTMENT STORE SLIDE. WHICH IF YOU ASK TASK CHAIR LOOKED LIKE A LOT OF FUN BUT I'VE NEVER REALLY SEEN AT ANY SHOPPING MALLS. I GUESS IT WAS JUST FOR THE MOVIE OR WAS AN OLD SANTA CLAUS PRACTICE THAT DIED OUT DURING THAT ERA FOR INSURANCE LIABILITY REASONS. BUT TASK CHAIR DIGRESSES!

OH, POOR NON-TASK CHAIR OWNER. YOU'D BE BETTER OFF SITTING ON THAT CARDBOARD BOX HHAAHHAHAHAH ENJOY YOUR CARPAL TUNNEL AND ACHING LUMBAR. SUCK TASK CHAIR'S DICK!

Task Chair Has HAD It

Maybe you haven't heard from Task Chair in a while. Like since 2017. But that doesn't mean you should get comfortable. No sir. TASK CHAIR WILL MAKE SURE YOU SIT UPRIGHT AND PRODUCTIVE-LIKE, YOU PUSSY SLACKER.

WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS IN 2021? A SECOND YEAR OF LOCKDOWN FROM A WORLDWIDE PANDEMIC, AND PEOPLE ARE STILL BITCHING ABOUT WEARING MASKS OR TAKING A FREE VACCINE BECAUSE OF THEIR "FREEDOMS"? YOU FUCKING MEWLING BABIES DON'T KNOW WHAT SACRIFICE IS. TASK CHAIR SAYS TO SIT DOWN AT HOME AND WORK REMOTELY IS A MOTHERFUCKING PRIVILEGE, SO DON'T BE WHINING LIKE IT'S SOME BIG SACRIFICE.

'OH, WHY IS TASK CHAIR GETTING POLITICAL NOW?' NO, YOU'RE GETTING POLITICAL. KEEPING SOCIETY SAFE BY DOING YOUR PART, GETTING VACCINATED AND ENDURING MINOR INCONVENIENCES TO STEM A DEADLY VIRUS IS NOT POLITICAL. IT'S ONLY POLITICAL BECAUSE YOU HALFWITS ARE FOLLOWING THE BAD ADVICE FROM POLITICIANS OF YOUR CHOOSING. TASK CHAIR CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT PATHETIC SUCKERS SOME OF YOU HAVE TURNED INTO IN A MERE FOUR YEARS. PATHETIC.

OK TASK CHAIR OUT. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER FOR WHEN HE COMES BACK. PUSSIES.

LOOK OUT, TASK CHAIR. CHORE COAT WILL CHOKE YOU OUT

TAKE A SEAT, TASK CHAIR, CUZ THE GLOVES ARE OFF AND THIS CHORE COAT IS ON.

CHORE COAT HAS NO PATIENCE FOR THIS PUSSY-ASS SITTING AROUND A HOME OFFICE LIKE A SLACKER. PUT ON A COTTON TWILL JACKET AND GET THE FUCK OUTSIDE.

GREAT GOD, LOOK AT YOUR FAT PASTY ASS. YOU NEED TO WALK MORE, SON. GO ON A HIKE. DO SOME ERRANDS ON FOOT. TAKE A FUCKING STROLL AROUND YOUR LOCAL RENOVATED DOWNTOWN AREA. JESUS CHRIST, IF YOUR ASS WERE A PILLOW I'D THROW IT OUT FOR BEING SO FLAT AND USELESS.

OH, DID WORK JUST EMAIL YOU CHANGES TO THE PRESENTATION? FUCK THAT SHIT. GO FOR A WALK AND CLEAR YOUR DUMB HEAD. GET SOME FRESH AIR. LEARN MORE ABOUT YOUR SURROUNDINGS. STOP BEING SUCH AN INSUFFERABLE, COWERING SIMP.

CHORE TO THE MUTHAFUCKIN COAT!

 

Task Chair Is About Done With Your Shit

TASK CHAIR NEVER LEFT, YOU MEWLING COCKSUCKERS. YOU'VE BEEN WHINING AND BELLYACHING ABOUT THIS OR THAT NOT GETTING DONE, AND TASK CHAIR HAD THE ANSWER ALL ALONG. FEEL STUPID YET, PUSSIES?

TASK CHAIR HAS A GAS LIFT SEAT, SWIVELS AND EVEN ROLLS ON CASTERS, SO WHAT'S THE BITCHING ABOUT NOT BEING ADJUSTABLE ENOUGH? MAYBE IT'S YOUR UNPRODUCTIVE FAT ASS THAT'S HEMORRHAGING THE COMPANY MONEY. MAYBE IT'S YOUR BROWSER HISTORY BEING MAINLY REDDIT AND THESUPERFICIAL, YOU THINK ABOUT THAT? TASK CHAIR HAS BEEN WATCHING.

"GET A NEW CHAIR." BOOM, DONE! SEE, TASK CHAIR HAS ALREADY DECIMATED YOUR TO-DO LIST. BOW DOWN AND RECOGNIZE, YOU SHITSTAINS. SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET ACCOMPLISHED UP IN THIS OPEN FLOOR PLAN.

MAYBE STOP SOCIALIZING OVER PARTITION WALLS AND START PUSHING THIS COMPANY IN THE BLACK, SHALL WE, ASSHOLES? THOUGHT SO. YOU MILLENNIALS WON'T HAVE YOUR GRANDPARENTS' BASEMENT TO LIVE IN FOREVER. YEAH, I SAID IT.

TASK CHAIR IS BACK?! NEVER LEFT, BITCHES

WHO DOES A CHAIR HAVE TO BLOW TO GET A CAMERA OVER HERE?

TASK CHAIR IS HERE TO WHIP SOME WHINY PUSSIES INTO SHAPE. GET MAD! GET AGGRESSIVE! GET  PRODUCTIVE! 

TASK CHAIR HAS AN ADJUSTABLE SEAT TO ROB YOU CANDY-ASSES THE ABILITY TO WHINE ABOUT HOW YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH AN UNCOMFORTABLE CHAIR. CHECKMATE PUSSIES, THIS CHAIR CAN NEVER BE UNCOMFORTABLE. YOU'VE GOT TASKS TO COMPLETE, BETTER HOP TO.

CLEAN OUT YOUR EARS AND TAKE THE NETI POT OUT OF YOUR ASS, CUZ TASK CHAIR JUST SPUN THE CHORE WHEEL AND IT LANDED ON YOU. BETTER WHIP OUT YOUR W2S AND CALCULATOR, BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO PREPARE YOUR TAXES BY YOURSELF. WHAT, YOU DON'T HAVE A CHAIR TO DO IT ON? NICE TRY, COCKSUCKER.

TASK CHAIR HAS ROLLING CASTER WHEELS TO GIVE YOU THE ILLUSION THAT YOU CAN LEAVE AT ANY TIME. NO, IDIOTS, IT'S FOR YOU TO QUICKLY ROLL TO THE PRINTER TO UNSTICK THE JAMS. AND WHERE'S MY COFFEE? SLACK FUCKWADS.

SO GET YOUR ASSES OUT OF THAT PAPA SAN AND GET SHIT DONE RIGHT ON A MUTHAFUCKIN' TARGET BRAND TASK CHAIR. GODDAMN THAT FEELS NICE TO GET SHIT DONE, AMIRITE?

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SAFE FROM TASK CHAIR

WAKE UP, YOU LIMP-DICKED PUSSIES

TASK CHAIR IS BACK WITH A VENGEANCE, AND YOU ARE A SIMPERING FUCKWAD IF YOU THINK YOU WON'T BE PRODUCTIVE UP IN THIS BITCH

GET MAD, COCKSUCKERS

TASK CHAIR HAS ALL THE ADJUSTABILITY AND COMFORT OF AN AERON CHAIR WITHOUT YOU MORTGAGING YOUR FUCKING HOUSE FOR ONE. FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, IT COMES IN A CARDBOARD BOX. SO YOUR FIRST TASK IS TO PUT THAT MOTHER TOGETHER WITH YOUR BARE HANDS, YOU HESITANT FUCK.

GET YOUR TO-DO LIST READY, YOU UNPRODUCTIVE FUCK-BAGS. SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET DONE AROUND THIS DUMP.

TAKE YOUR DAD'S DICK OUT OF YOUR HAND AND ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVES, CUZ TASK CHAIR WILL BE GODDAMNED IF NOTHING GETS DONE IN THE NEXT FEW HOURS

TASK CHAIR IS HERE TO CLEAN HOUSE

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON. TASK CHAIR IS BACK TO SET YOUR PUSSY SPINELESS ASS BACK ON TRACK.

NO, NOT LATER. WE'RE DOING THIS SHIT NOW. TASK CHAIR DOESN'T HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO FINISH YOUR ZIMA AND PUT YOUR DIAPHRAGM BACK IN. GET SHIT DONE NOW, DAMMIT.

DON'T THINK YOU GOT IT IN YOU? WHAT THE FUCK DOES TASK CHAIR CARE WHAT YOU'RE CAPABLE OF? YOU'RE SIMPLY A MEANS BY WHICH TASK CHAIR GETS TASKS ACCOMPLISHED. CAN'T YOU SEE YOU HAVE NO SAY IN THE MUTHAFUCKIN' MATTER? CHEESE.

FUCK YOUR DADDY. TASK CHAIR IS MAKIN' SHIT HAPPEN, WITH OR WITHOUT YOU. AND WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT SONG BY U2, ALTHOUGH TASK CHAIR ENJOYS PARTS OF THAT SONG.

THE TRIUMPHANT MOTHERFUCKING RETURN OF TASK CHAIR

LOOK ALIVE, PUSSIES

YOU BETTER COME CORRECT AND GROW A PAIR, BECAUSE TASK CHAIR WILL SPANK YOUR BABY-POWDERED ASSES SOON

WITH A BLACK AIRMESH FABRIC FOR YOUR OVERSENSITIVE ASS

AND PNEUMATIC SEAT HEIGHT ADJUSTMENT FOR YOUR FASTIDIOUS, PICKY ASS

DURABLE FIVE-STAR BASE WITH DUAL WHEEL CASTERS FOR YOUR FAT ASS

BUT WATCH OUT, FATTY. THE WEIGHT LIMIT HERE IS 150 LBS. SO EITHER PUT DOWN THE CHALUPA OR FUCKING KEEP STANDING, MARTHA DUMPTRUCK. TASK CHAIR IS NOT "LABORS OF HERCULES" CHAIR. THAT WAS A LITERARY REFERENCE FOR YOUR DUMB ASS. WHY ARE YOU SUCH A PUSSY? 

TASK CHAIR DOESN'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT. IT ARRIVES AT YOUR HOME OFFICE ON WEDNESDAY. SO TAKE YOUR FIST OUT OF YOUR UNCLE'S ASS AND MAKE SOME FUCKING SPACE FOR IT. TASK CHAIR OUT.

HIGH BACK TASK CHAIR HAS A MESSAGE FOR YOU

LISTEN UP PUSSIES

PUT DOWN THE PEN YOU'RE STICKING UP YOUR VAGINA, CUZ THIS SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL

HIGH BACK DESK CHAIR IS HERE TO BOTH SUPPORT YOUR WEAKLING BACK AND HELP YOU GET SHIT DONE, SON.

WITH ADJUSTABLE ARMRESTS AND NEWLY-ADDED LUMBAR SUPPORT, THE AMOUNT OF SHIT YOU CAN GET ACCOMPLISHED JUST QUINTUPLED, YOU SAGGING, FAILING COCKSUCKERS.



MESH BACK, CHECK.

ADJUSTABLE HEIGHT, CHECK.

TILT BACK FUNCTION? YES, BUT FUCK THAT SHIT. YOU ARE GOING TO BE GOING WHITE-KNUCKLE SERIOUS WITH THE AMOUNT YOU'RE SCRATCHING OFF YOUR TO DO LIST. FUCKING KILL THAT STACK OF TIMESHEETS. FUCKING DECIMATE THOSE EXPENSE REPORTS. FUCKING FUCK THE FUCKING FUCK OUT OF THAT BUDGET SPREADSHEET. GODDAMN, WHAT A RUSH, RIGHT? THAT SHIT FEELS GOOD, GETTING ALL THAT SHIT SERVED.

HIGH BACK WILL CATCH YOU WHENEVER YOU GO, "FUCKING SNAP, LOOK AT ALL THE SHIT I JUST GOT DONE!" AND GET BLOWN TO THE BACK OF YOUR OFFICE SPACE. HIGH BACK TASK CHAIR HAS GOT YOUR BACK AND YOUR ASS, YOU FUCKING SNIVELING CUNTRAG.

BE A MAN AND FUCKING PARK YOUR HIPS IN THIS SHIT. GET SHIT DONE. DONE.

TASK CHAIR AIN'T THROUGH WITH YOU YET BITCH

(Visual by Andrew Gall)


HEY PUSSY

THOUGHT YOU WERE DONE WITH TASK CHAIR? THAT'S CUTE. YOU THINK YOU'VE MOVED ON, BUT FACT IS, YOUR SORRY ASS STILL NEEDS A TASK CHAIR.

SO SIT YOUR PUSSY ASS DOWN ON YOUR INFERIOR CHAIR AND LISTEN TO THIS SHIT. YOU'LL GET TASKS DONE RIGHT LIKE A BOSS IN A TASK CHAIR. BALANCE YOUR CHECKBOOK, DONE. COMPLETE TIME SHEETS, BOOM, DONE. SHIT, COMPLETE A SUDOKU FOR ALL I CARE, WHO GIVES A TOM FUCK. BOTTOM LINE IS, YOU WILL COMPLETE TASKS.

ARE YOU LISTENING, YOU SIMPERING PUSSY?

YOU NEED TO CLEAN OUT YOUR BITCH EARS AND STOP DAYDREAMING BECAUSE SHIT LIKE THAT IS WHAT'S KEEPING YOU FROM WINNING. TASK CHAIR WILL DRAG YOUR DUMB-ASS OUT OF THAT FUNK AND SET YOU STRAIGHT. STOP BEING SUCH A NON-PRODUCTIVE PUSSY.

I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID ABOUT COMPLETING A SUDOKU. THAT SHIT IS FRIVOLOUS PASTIME BULLSHIT THAT WILL GET YOU NOWHERE. DO I NEED TO SLAP YOU AWAKE, YOU COCKSUCKER?

LONG STORY SHORT, GET A TASK CHAIR AND FUCKING RAPE THAT TO DO LIST. SEACREST OUT.

YOU NEED TASK CHAIR

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.