UAG

The Worst-Selling Items at the Airport Hudson News

• "Fuck Yeah, Toledo!" Onesie

• Squeezable Commuter Jet Stress Increaser

• Nut Bar

• Collectible Letter Opener (Blade Removed for Security Reasons)

• Unique Inflatable Neck Pillow That Doesn't Make You Look Like An Asshole

• Counterfeit Boarding Pass

• Life-Size Predator Statue with Working LED Sensor and Sounds (Shipping Not Included)

• Nut Bar

• Skymall (Hardback Edition)

• TSA Metal Detector Wand Butt Plug

• Framed Photo of Your Wife and Kids At Home Doing Just Fine Without You

• Terrified lost child, age 6. Goes by the name "Camilla."

• Mandalay Bay, Las Vegas Prayer Cloth

• Soaking wet sock full of pistachios and Tylenol

• Pierce Brosnan's Turd Paperweight

• Nut Bar

• 1/48 Scale Model of the United Express Wing of the Lincoln, Nebraska Airport

• Used CD- Alanis Morisette "Jagged Little Pill"

• Ashley Madison Condom & Herpes Testing Kit

• 'Beats By Dr. Scholl' Footphones

• 4 Gallon Jug of Clorox

• Someone's Misplaced Charts of Nabisco's Q2 2012 West Coast Distribution  Channels

• Non-functioning, Decorative Parachute

• Universal Power Adaptor That Never Fucking Works

• Coupon good for $5 off any Chili's Express purchase. Price: $10

• Hand-carved Amish Rape Whistle

• Blank Journal Book-On-Tape

• Nut Bar

• Cracker Barrel-branded Actual Barrel For Holding Real Crackers In

It's Time Once Again To Play: Which Can, Erickson? Special MUST SEE TV Edition

Match the toilet location below with the title of a successful television series that people keep tell me I should watch because it's great but I haven't gotten around to watching (and probably won't):

TAV Istanbul Atatürk Airport, Turkey

Walmart, Eagle Rock, Pennsylvania

Shadowbrook Reception Hall, Shrewsbury, New Jersey

Core Club, NYC

Arclight Theatre, Los Angeles, California

National Marionette Theatre, Prague, Czech Republic

Canyon Club, Agoura Hills, California

Buddakan, NYC

Answers will be posted on Monday. So suck on that for the weekend.

UAG

Introducing: The EADJ Pun Police

The name is Dover. Detective Benjamin Dover. I'm a beat cop for the EADJ Pun Police with my partner, Sgt. McCracken. We walk the beat in this sleepy town with a keen eye for terrible puns, and let me tell you brother, there's a lot of that garbage polluting the streets. It's our job to shake down the wrongdoers, the miscreants, the out-and-out punsters who pervert our beautiful language into a toothless, two-bit whore with two meanings.

Tonight's Pun Police Blotter:

Phil and I were driving our squad car along Evergreen when we spotted this bank ad in New York's AM newspaper. Now, normally we look the other way with New York's tabloid rags, seeing how The Post and The Daily News have made a living off of consistently good puns. But this one we couldn't exactly let slide:


"Best interest?" Get it? Now, WaMu denied that the word "interest" had two meanings. So we let it off with a stern verbal warning. But not soon after– and right when Phil and I were about to stop by Casey's for a slice of pie– dispatch sent us to the local movie theatre. It was there that we found this poster:


"Made of Honor?!" The title was not only a pun, but one that didn't even make sense. And right when we were starting to write out a ticket for "nonsensical title," I spotted this beauty at the bottom:


Gotcha. That raised the charges to "nonsensical title" and "groaner tagline with intent to distribute." We hauled Columbia Pictures in to sleep it off in the drunk tank. Let them think about what they've done.

So Phil and I had congratulated each other for another successful night of keeping the streets pun-free, until Phil opened a copy of City Tails, a free magazine devoted to "celebrating the relationship between pets and their people."


Everyone knows pet owners are a sketchy lot to begin with. They dote over their animals with a passion that's proportional to their frequency of dog or cat puns. But what we found in that magazine would make you question Man's use of language and even the use of the printed page. WARNING: This is not for the weak of heart:



I couldn't tell you who that ad was for. I couldn't even tell you what cop show that Richard Belzer character used to be on. All I know is that Phil and I called for backup, stormed the offices of Pet Tails, and tasered the hell out of everyone there. Sure, four of their staffers died in the scuffle, but I like to think that I saved far more lives preventing the publication from continuing to spread that read menace. Oh, that was a pun. Dang!