Uhhh...

I'm not sure how Temu figured out my plans for the weekend, but they nailed it.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Historians cannot agree whether Benjamin Franklin killed one or two guys in prison.

"Blur out that model's pussy and asshole, then put an X to censor the word 'SHIT.' We're trying to release a family friendly mixtape here, fellas."

Ms. Dalton regretted volunteering to chaperone the field trip to the museum.

"Over here, Dej. The camera's right here... no, you went to far to the left. Move your head over here to the right... no, too far again...Maybe you should take off the goddamned sunglasses."

BALL Z  = RASH

"Fabolous, I served with Dr. Dre. I knew Dr. Dre. Dr. Dre was a friend of mine. Fabolous, you're no Dr. Dre."

"Over here, guys. The camera's over here. No, over here. Oh, for cryin' out loud..."

"L'Algerino, do you have to go to the bathroom? Which is it, a number one or a number two?"

Nothing says hip hop like a word cloud in the shape of an off-the-air TV show.

Historians also disagree over which floating Mexican cartel Benjamin Franklin sold drugs for.

"Perico Boyz? T Millz? Sorry, guys, none of you are on the list. Please step to the side of the ropes."

No change. This is easily the best Photoshop job I have ever seen on a hip hop mixtape.

Possibly the worst headline the Dove ad campaign has ever run.

Hey idiot, you're so high that you're trying to make a call on a stack of fivers.

The EADJ Fashion Round-Up

As the months get hotter, the clothes will start to come off-er. So before it gets too hot and we're all wearing identical tank tops and speedos, here are the latest sartorial statements around Manhattan:

Where the Fuck Is Carmen Sandiego?

Urban Zebra hides in her natural habitat, the corner of 3rd and 42nd.

If you're 20 lbs overweight and dressed like a Winnie The Pooh character, waiting for your friends outside of a BBQ joint is probably not a good idea.

Selma flouts traffic rules- because she can- when she steps out into the middle of the street in her eye-catching Q-Tip hat. Take that, other pedestrians!

Hipster Doug in Williamsburg found this odd brown object in the street. It's a hat, right? Or a DVD box set? Wait! A wrist rest?

Black leather shoes. Black leather pants. Black leather jacket. Black leather baseball cap. But a NYLON BACKPACK?!!!! 90% commitment is not enough, Orlando. I'm sure there is still some cow left to use.

A down jacket with Hello Kitty pajama bottoms is already working really well for Della, but it's the flaming heart Ugg boots with "HEART" and "SOUL" etched onto the backs which really sends this ensemble into "legendary" territory.

In a hurry, Kasey? Then you should have planned your day ahead of time instead of wearing the 10" pink stripper heels on the same day as your internship interview. You didn't want that job, anyway. PHAIL!

Cicada season is just around the corner.

So Where On The EADJ Crappinuum Did "Humanity's End" End Up?

(click to enlarge)

The most awful part of "Humanity's End" isn't in its lack of story or mediocre acting. It's biggest crime is in its proppage; it honestly looks like the prop master went to a dollar store with two twenties and bought the entire set, props and maybe even wardrobe there, along with some gifts for his kids and a pack of smokes.

The bickering of the crew was actually pretty enjoyable. But the stereotypically EVIL EVIL bad guys were unfortunate.

I would say that "Humanity's End" sat somewhere between "Unbeatable Harold" and "Da Station" for overall suckage. That's pretty low on the Crappinuum, which means it was pretty fucking piss-awful.

If "Humanity's End" were a cupcake, I'd throw it against a wall and draw a chalk circle around where it stuck. What does that even mean?

EADJ Presents: How To Green A Business

As businesses continue to go greener in order to make customers think they give a shit about the environment, EADJ has compiled a few tips for business owners so that they too can go green:

• Make double-sided copies of your ass instead of single-sided.

• If a business meeting is within walking distance, take a nice walk there instead of calling in drunk.

• Lots of companies have gone paperless with their sexual harassment complaints. You should do that, too, Sugar Tits.

• Turn off lights when they're not in use. Since your business is pretty much failing, it's probably better to just turn everything off.

• When someone sends you an email that at the bottom tells you to "reconsider the environment when printing this email," print it out TWICE, show it to them, and tell them to suck it.

• If she is available, you should hire actress Eva Green as a receptionist. Not only is her last name 'green,' but you can totally see her bush in the movie "The Dreamers."

• Think twice before letting millions of gallons of oil leak into the Gulf of Mexico, permanently damaging the ecosystem and generally being a defiant, unapologetic prick about the whole thing (BP only).

• Compact fluorescent bulbs use about 75% less energy than a traditional incandescent bulb and lasts at least 6 times longer. They'll probably be around longer than even you, Mister Shows-Up-At-10:30.

• Styrofoam is no longer acceptable packing material for packages. Try ham.

• They say Eileen's insufferable "Ei-Day" daily newsletters was a waste of paper and told her to stop. Thank God for that.

• Used coffee grounds from the break room can be recycled as fresh coffee grounds for the interns' break room.

• Using a digital projector during presentations spends an awful lot of electricity. Try keeping your slides to a maximum of one.

• Unplug your computer when in use.

• Try biking to work instead of taking the train or driving. This should increase your commute by about six hours a day!

• When tossing your personal assistant's salad, take a minute to think about what you can do to save the environment.

• Energy, unfortunately, is not equal to time. So you still have to attend all those status meetings.

• Quit your job. Join a commune. Grow hashish and just fucking be.