Don't Shop on Amazon if You Can Help It

But if you have to, make sure you order groceries on Amazon Fresh. Otherwise you're buying from some random seller and get it shipped like this in the mail:

 

I Don't Get It

If you buy groceries on Amazon, sometimes they come in nicely packed Amazon bags sitting in a row on your front porch, and sometimes...

#Raguinabox

Spotted on LinkedIn

Sure, let's ask about work-life balance to the trillionaire who works warehouse employees so hard that they're forced to piss in jars instead of taking breaks. 🙄

The Curious Product Shots of Basement Shelving on Amazon

I was in the market for some sturdy shelving for the basement and looked on Amazon. What I found wasn't so much helpful as it was odd.

Quite a few shelving units had an attractive woman standing next to the shelving unit to assumedly show scale. But these women were dressed for a Vegas bachelorette party or a bitcoin commercial, not for stacking laundry detergent.

I mean, I get it. Maybe most basement shelf purchasers are men. So sure, let's hook them with a gussied up busty blonde and then let their dick make the purchasing decisions. 

I guess the alternative is showing some young dude jumping midair. And now I don't know if the shelving is huge or that guy is tiny as a 4th grader. You can't win!

The ProofrEADJer: December Edition

A Guess

Spotted on a banner:

I can guess with high confidence that Susan first got laid around the 90s.

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags: First Week of October

I hate Twitter. You hate Twitter. So why are so many assholes still on Twitter? Because WE ARE ALL ASSHOLES. Here are some underused hashtags for your Twitter rants, assholes:

#babyabs

#molesties

#earwaxcandlelitdinner

#MicrosoftUpdaterRULES

#shewantedchildsupportLOL

#killingmesoftlywithhisknife

#blackpeopleinLordoftheRings

#AreyouthereVishnu?it'smeMotiwala

#smellingmyfingeraftershakingNatalieMerchant'shand

The ProofrEADJer: This Is Not A Leap Year Edition

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What Morgan Freeman's Disembodied Heads Were Thinking In All Those Movie Posters, Part II

This is a continuation of a segment posted in March. Feel free to read these thoughts in Morgan Freeman's dulcet baritone.

"Ah, yes. In the catbird seat, next to Ferris Bueller and Malcolm X. Better not get pricked by those bayonets, though."

"You know, this might be the very first time I've seen the actor's heads in the same sequence as the names listed. Truly, truly remarkable."

"Ah. Claiming upper right hand territory again. Wait, are we three just thoughts in Matthew McConaughey's head?"

"Upper left this time. Hmm. Interesting. Doesn't feel natural. And that miniature lady better not grab my boobs, too."

"Alright, upper right! Almost the entire poster, actually. Overdoing it."

"I look sad, but I am absolutely thrilled to be upper right corner."

"Shoot, upper left this time. I shouldn't complain, though–some poor soul's head got cut off behind me."

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Home."

"What the fuck, people?! What am I doing in this dang lower right quadrant?! Patently unacceptable!"

"I do like my name big like that. But 2 Keanus (actually, more like 1.5) is more than I can handle."

"SOMEBODY TELL THAT LITTLE UNKNOWN GIRL THAT SHE'S SITTING IN MY SPOT."

"This feels right. Oh, shit. Is that my dandruff?"

"That's not me, you racist bloggers."

"Okay, upper right corner secured. Not exactly 'disembodied' like the title says, but I'll allow it."

Brick Building Was Feeling Alright

Brick Building was feeling alright (submitted by Andrew Gall).

Prius Door Handles were, too.

Breast Pump was shocked.

Production Truck was furious for some reason.

IHOP Pineapple Slice was bummed.

Serving Table felt absolutely grouchy.

Police Barricade Bracket was distraught and on the street.

Brown Roller didn't care and just wanted to get out of there.