Hallmarked For Death

If all the Hallmark movies and shows are connected by the Hallmark Cinematic Universe (HCU), based on their two types of programming, that means all romantic relationships either end up happily ever after or one of them murders the other and hides their remains under a spooky rustic shack over by the coal mine.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Man, these LEGO sets for grown ups are getting pretty sophisticated.

Did you know Onyx was still around? They're not.

"Parental Advisory: Explicit Content". Just in case the cartoon ho's (at a piano?) and the bloody cartoon corpses in trash bags didn't tip you off.

This reminded me to order some more postage stamps.

The man behind all the hits you never heard of. Nice to finally be recognized.

Designer vinyl figures are all the rage. This one goes for the price of your house.

If nothing but a rapper's chains are on the album cover, it's pretty much a guarantee that every song on there is gonna be about that guy's gold.

Wait! No, not the vintage camcorder!

My new backsplash.

Yeah, I bet he'd float, no problem.

I like this, mainly because it's actually painted and not a lazy Photoshop. Yeah, I know that's a low bar.

Fashion/Song Lyrics Round Up

Hold me now. It's hard for me to say I'm sari.

Now whip it

Into shape

Shape it up

Get straight

Go forward

Take the A train

Try to find it

Where the fuck is it

So, Senator,

So, Janitor,

So long for a while

Remember, You're never fully dressed

Without a smile! 

On a warm summer's eve

On a train bound for nowhere

I met up with the gambler

We were both too tired to sleep

So we took turns a-starin'

Out the window at the darkness

The boredom overtook us, he began to text

You oughta be in pictures,

You're wonderful to see,

You oughta be in pictures, 

Oh what a hit you would be! 

My Adidas

walked through concert doors

and roamed all over coliseum floors

I stepped on stage, at Live Aid

All the people gave and the poor got paid

[No lyrics, just instrumental traditional Bolivian music]

Some Hip Hop Tracks That Probably Won't Make It Onto the Next Mixtape

"The Police Are Doing The Best Job That They Can"

"This Rap Game Is Pretty Difficult For Me"

"I Really Like You (But I Think It Might Be Too Soon For Sex) ft. Fabolous"

"Let's Watch Rachel Maddow"

"I'm a DJ, So I Really Have No Business Rapping"

"Can You Help Me Jumpstart My Minivan?"

"Investin' Wizely N Mutual Fundz"

"Cash4Gold Gave Me Only $8 Because My Chains Were Mostly Fake"

"I'm Actually Gay (Club Remix)"

"I Find No Disconnect Between Loving My Mother and Treating Women Badly"

"STDs Are Really A Problem (ft. Trina)"

"Fuck That Bitch Aimee Mann For What She Said About My Acting Career"

"Skillz (I Have None)"

"Why The Fuck Are We Working For Jimmy Fallon?"

"2Pac and Biggie Were Overrated When You Really Think About It"

"Do You Validate Parking? (50 Cent Remix)"

"I Understood 'Scarface' To Be A Cautionary Tale Rather Than A Model of Behavior"

"God, I Miss Mid-90s Rap (ft. T-Pain, Gucci Mane, Lil' Wayne and Young Jeezy)"

Let's Pretend To Trip In Front of the EADJ Mail Sack So That It Thinks We're Naturally Clumsy!

Submitted by Andrew, a link to Gawker.com wherein Ice-T actually tells Aimee Mann via Twitter to "eat a hot bowl of dicks."


Link is here.

Now, I enjoy a good celebrity feud as much as the next woman, but a rivalry between hardcore rapper and former Body Count frontman Ice-T versus progressive folk rock darling Aimee Mann doesn't feel at all like a level playing field. That's like Ol' Dirty Bastard vs. Shawn Colvin or Kanye West vs Taylor Swift. No, wait...

When Did I Turn Into A Troll?

Today I was on the "Michael Jackson - Black Or White" YouTube page (????????????????????) and watched the nonsensical intro starring Macaulay Culkin and George Wendt from "Cheers."


(Note the unfortunate contextual banner ad)

I wrote a comment about it and found myself minutes later in kind of a comment war from a devoted Michael Jackson fan. I think I might have won.


You can visit the actual page with the subsequent comment war here.

Wedding Tips with Jessica Foster, Part 4

In this chapter, Jessica answers a common question regarding reception music.