UAG

Some Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Conspiracy theories used to be fun. In the 90s, people would tune into The X-Files on Fridays to get the latest improbable but spooky theory about how the government was trying to control you. Now it's the bread and butter of tons of crazy podcasters, Facebookers and InfoWars to get you all riled up against everything under the sun to keep you afraid and addicted to fear/anger. Here are the newest conspiracy theories they'll be floating on that show soon:

• Lane Bryant is a skinny woman who sells plus size clothes as a cosmic joke

• Virtually every food that begins with a T will give you dick cancer

• If you don't convert all your money into gold bullions and NFTs, you will starve this summer

• "POC" stands for People Of Color, but it also stands for Purgatory Octopus Centurions

• If you suck on an old Nintendo cartridge instead of blowing on it, you can get high

• All raccoons drive around in a rented U-Haul to find trash cans worth raiding

• The blue line in pregnancy tests is actually a letter "I" that stands for INFERTILE

• You know what's inside hacky sacks? Dried up aborted fetuses.

UAG

Rock Holes In My Lawn

Spotted on my street in New Jersey, a neighbor makes an interesting choice in landscaping.




My neighbor is thinking:

a) I love rocks. I think I'll display them like Easter Eggs on the grass!

b) You know, this will be a clever way to tell everyone my career as a stonemason!

c) As an avid rock collector, I think this should let the ladies know I'm down.

d) Fuck this steep hill. I'll just put rocks there so I won't ever have to mow it.

Day 4: Dick dick dick dick dick. That's a lot of dicks.

Joel's dick-eating prowess remains unrivaled and focused. Earlier this morning, DJ's from local radio station B96 offered Joel a free steak dinner at Lawry's if he stopped with the eating dick. Despite some witty banter and a promise to consider the generous offer, Joel went back to his old ways and continued to chow down the pee-pee. Sorry, Lawry's!

(pictured above, a janitor looks perplexed by the "Draw the Rest of Brad's Body" contest on the Chicken Bucket and can't decide whether to clean it up or not)