UAG

 

EADJ Pun Police: French Foreign Legion Edition

Faites attention! We are ze French Foreign Legion, and we are heeer to weeed out ze puns and punish zem for zheir crahmes! Heeeer we go!

"A Real Crowd Cheeser?" Horrifique! Zis offends me as a lover of words and as a Frenchman who love a good fromage! Quelle dommage!

(Stomps the label under his jackboot)

"Put Your Hams Together." Oh, Whole Foods, zis will not do! Your replacing a jambon to replace the word "hands" iz not clever du tout! I put you on notice!

(Rips poster down, buries it in the sand)

"And to all a good bite?" A second offense already? Non, non, non, non, non. Au revoir, Whole Foods!

(Turns entire wall of cannons towards Whole Foods, blows it to smithereens)

"Shops ahoy." Not a tres intelligent pun, non, Mademoiselle? That pun is very- how do you say- pedestrian! I made a joke! Ha ha ha! A better pun than what iz on her sac!

(Mounts his horse and drives the woman into the nearest Sephora store to take cover)

"Raise your Timperature." Non. English is not my language premiere, but inventing new words is not acceptable, even pour un foreigner comme mois. Dégoûtant!

(Stabs the poster with his bayonet, kicks entire display down)

"Februany?" I don't get it, Zubway.

(Ignores)

Observe closely at zis display, mes amis. Clique to enlarge. You will see zat every flavour of zese drinks are terrible puns: Mar-GO-rita, Daiq-GO-ri, and Piña-GO-lada. I have even zampled zese boissons and have found them worthy of ze puns terribles zat zey wear on zeir labels!

(Loads explosives onto drink display. Enjoys a fine red wine from a distant dune as the entire thing explodes.)

(Too many puns to name at one time)

Zis is from a Man de Bat livre comique. I have no idea who zis eyepatched woman is, either, but maybe zince zere is a Joker and a Riddler, maybe she is ze Punster?

Eizer way, she talks too much and I zink she should pay dearly for her crahmes.

(Sits her down and makes her watch 12 hours of French original programming on TV)

So, How Did "Bickford Shmeckler's Cool Ideas" Do?

Well, it fell somewhere between Sally Field in "Maybe I'll Come Home In The Spring" and the animated "Happy, The Littlest Bunny." So, suffice to say "Bickford Shmeckler's Cool Ideas" sucked more dick than the VD cautionary tale "Intimate Agony" but didn't blow as much ass as unfunny urban romp "Da Station."

Are we all clear now?

The EADJ Crappinema Presents Bickford Shmeckler's Cool Ideas

Is "Bickford Shmeckler's Cool Ideas" the story of a likable underdog who uses his brain to win the heart of the popular girl in the end? Sure. But strike the word "likable" away from that sentence, and insert a bunch of unnecessary, unfunny, non-character-building scenes, and I think you'll start to get the idea of this movie. Okay, it sounds totally harsh that I'm dissecting a lighthearted comedy and demanding the next "Potemkin." But come on now. This is a low-budget film that could have benefitted from not being so cookie-cutter and formulaic, and the filmmakers could have taken some odd comedic chances here and there instead of depicting dumb college jocks doing beer bongs and stoners smoking out of a pineapple. Also, Bickford is so goddamned serious and self-important, that the fact that he's not popular seems about right in the viewer's eyes. We can't really relate to him, not that we're not dorks, but he's sort of mopey and dull. And when the very premise of a film looks dull even on paper, you know you're in trouble. The following conversation is lifted verbatim from this scene: Sarah: (reading) Every physical structure in the universe, including ourselves, is in a constant state of flux- minimally and maximally, continuously, continuously. Yet, our lives are lived in ever-flowing still frames of reality, sanity, being the delusion of a comfortable continuity within the vortex of infinite chaos. (Trent strums his guitar, looks reluctantly at Sarah.) Sarah: "Vortex of infinite chaos?!" C'mon, you gotta admit that rules! Trent: … I get it. Sarah: Well, okay. Then he goes on to talk about how we're all subatomically in flux and emotionally in flux and consciously, and mentally in flux…even our flux is in flux! Trent: So what? Sarah: It's just… when you put all these ideas and theories and facts together, and think about them all at the same time, interconnected, your brain kind of *orgasms.* Trent: You must be stoned off your head. Sarah: No! I'm telling you, this book actually makes me feel these ideas. I mean, like, tingly in my toes. Trent: It's cuz you were on a stoner safari when you found it. Like the time you watched "The Seventh Seal" stoned? And we didn't do anything for the next month but stay in and watch stupid Swedish movies? Sarah: Ingmar Bergman isn't stupid. Trent: HA! Sarah: I should just go sleep with this guy. (reading) Copyright Bickford…Shmeckler. Trent: What kind of sick, twistoid parents would name their kid "Bickford Shmeckler?" Sarah: I'll ask him. The following conversation is lifted verbatim from this scene: (Bickford enters Sarah's studio. Sarah approaches him and kisses him) Sarah: Thank you SO much! Beckford: (impatiently) For what? For what?! Sarah: Inspiration! God, I read your words, and look what exploded out of me (indicates painting) I think this is my best work ever. Beckford: What's the black spot in the middle mean? Sarah: That's my clitoris. It's a motif– I always put it somewhere in each of my paintings. (This reviewer gets up, goes to the bathroom and cools off by flushing his head in the toilet) One sort of saving grace about the DVD is that they included real Dungeons & Dragons weapon and character sheets. Now that's real commitment to a nerd audience. Still, it doesn't take away from the fact that it's still a subpar movie. Bickford may have won the girl in the end, but I'm pretty sure his character didn't grow or learn any. So essentially a dickish dork lucks out in the tang department. Overall grade: F+