NEW: More Secret Perks of the AMC Stubs Card

Membership to the AMC Stubs Rewards program has its privileges. Here are just a few of the latest new benefits you can have by signing up now:

• We'll bail you out if you ever get arrested. No judgements, no questions asked, m'man.

• Secret handshake with a black member of our staff

• Fine. We will validate your stupid parking

• You can come up to our projection booth and blow Terry

• Free Dustbuster to suck up free candy from the seats

• We will tattoo the title of your favorite Jessica Tandy movie on your chest

• If you fall asleep at any time, we will rewind the movie for you and tell anyone that complains to fuck off

• Knife hands. Yeah, you heard right.

• If you are in an AMC prison, free conjugal visits every month

• We will force the Pokémon Company in Japan to name one after you

Word Up Your Arse

Nicknames for everyone!

Inspired by the President's penchant for handing out unwanted nicknames, Joel started dispensing his own to those around him:

His Long's Drugs pharmacist is now known as "Janky."

The dude with the big nose at the barber shop will hereforth be known as "Sunnuvagun."

His chimp servant will now answer to "Chad Yarborough." Why? No reason!

The cops that raped him that time will be called "Pushy and Penetrate-y."

Mr. Durwin, his neighbor from downstairs who accidentally killed his wife by running over her, will be labeled "The Widower-Maker." Janky!

And finally, every random dick that Joel eats he now calls either "Brad Harvey" or "Mel Kreilein." Why, Joel?

(pictured above, proof that Ponte Fresco hasn't made a heap of difference in the overall weight of 225 N Michigan residents)