Do we really need a "badass," violent reboot of Hansel and Gretel? Is Hollywood so creatively bankrupt that they have to resort to turning pages from Mother Goose into R-rated CGI crapfests? Answer: Yes.
"But you haven't even seen the movie," naysayers might say. Yes, I have. I was unfortunate enough to have watched "Snow White and The Huntsman," the "badass," violent reboot of the popular children's story, in the theatre. It had badass killer dwarfs. And a badass Snow White eating a badass poison apple that makes her go to badass sleep. Adding a layer of badass over every detail of a familiar story doesn't make it more "contemporary" or "relevant to our times" or whatever it is the filmmakers are trying to push on us. It just looks self-serious and silly.
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And while we're on the subject, can we quit with the modernized reboots of fairy tales as badass crime TV shows? Ooohh, police respond to a possible homicide involving a morbidly obese man named H. Dumpty who fell from his luxury balcony in the Upper West Side! Get it?
I was going to end this entry with a bit where I write fake episode summaries of these shows (Little Bo Peep, Hey Diddle Diddle, The Pied Piper, etc) but unlike the networks, I realize you already know how lamely that would play out and I don't want to waste your time. So instead, here's a photo of my neighbor clearing brush on Christmas Day:
