Viva La Revolucioracist Appliances!

If You Only Knew How Much I Lobsterfest® You

Lobsterfest® is so prevalent these days that CEOs of corporations are coming out of retirement to enjoy the corporate discount we're offering for all the scrumptiously moist but tender lobster deals at Red Lobster. (This entry was written after 5 beers at a beer garden for lunch.)

• We blast the hell out of some down-lows and craigies, then tilt the shit out of the upper wakies like we're totally gonna max the shit out of the whole thing, then we bring it riding down at the last second before totally whaling the hell out of it before it burns out! Now that's a totally incomprehensible and non-sport specific way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

•  One of those parade floats from the Rose Bowl. Yeah, one of those. You take one of those bad boys, then you load it up full of frozen lobster meat and trot it out during a hot summer day (preferably June because that's our most available month). Then you get a megaphone and invite all the kids in the neighborhood to come out and eat the hell out of the oozing, thawing lobster meat while their adoring parents look on in nostalgia of when they did that back in the day. Hell, fuck if that ain't a goddamned shit way to fucking rock the lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We buy a Kermit the Frog puppet from a department store, then stuff its ass full of lobster and butter packets and hide at the airport, near arrivals. When a minor celebrity or reality show star shows up, we wave the Kermit puppet so that they go, "Hey, it's Kermit!" and come over excitedly. Then when they hug it too hard, loads of delicious lobster meat and butter come flying out of Kermit's mouth, raining on everyone in the airport, including the porters. Now that's certainly an unusual but approved way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at LAX.

• Simon Peter said to them, “I am going fishing.” They said to him, “We will go with you.” They went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing.- John 21:3
We add to this Bible verse that Simon Peter and his buddies then came over to their local Galilee Red Lobster to enjoy jalapeno shrimp fritters and a medium drink for $6.99. Red Lobster, Lobsterfest®, a canal. Panama.

• We confiscate everyone's driver's license at the restaurant and put them in a velvet bag. We ship the bag to a sherpa who loads it onto their pack llama and walks it to the top of the tallest mountain in Nepal. Once they have reached the summit of the mountain, he picks fourteen of the licenses from a bag, scans each one with a hand scanner, then emails the list to our manager. Our manager then finds each of the fourteen patrons and asks how their meal is. Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster can be enjoyed this way if you really think about it.

Smecial Dreams Entry

From John Reid:

And three from Andrew Gall:

There's lots of Megan this time around.

Are You Ready For The P90x Challenge?

P90x is the latest home fitness system designed to get you in the best shape of your life, brah!

What makes P90x so effective? An advanced training technique called "muscle confusion." This involves an extensive variety of fat-burning, muscle-perfecting moves that constantly challenge your body, making you get fitter every day!

Here now are some great examples of P90x's patented "muscle confusion:"

• Sandra, one of our trainers, flirts with your muscles at a bar and gives them her number. Then, a few days later, when your muscles try to text her or give her a call, she acts like she's never heard of them!

• Your muscles' economics professor asks them a question regarding Gross Domestic Product, although that topic won't be covered for another three chapters.

• 67 saxophone bing dog-ears fan belt churro mastication fluffernutter bugbears monocle ding dong sweater weather shishkebab Pike's Place bonky bonk duality Ellen Cleghorn distance Roosevelt Twizzler Jamba pesky wonton 4.4439 donkey zhazhazhazhazha orange fartlips.

• Momma tells your muscles that they can go to the Pizza Palace on Friday night if they do their chores and stay out of her hair. When Friday rolls around, forgets she promised that to your muscles.

• Republican Senators promise to reach a compromise on a controversial bill with your muscles, saying they will reach across the aisle to find a suitable middle ground. Later, they don't.

• Your muscles watch the "LOST" finale.

• We take your muscles to a local Build-A-Bear Workshop, but instead of building a bear for your muscles, we giving the attorneys three weeks to file any additional information. Finding in favor of Auburn, Polito released his decision on March 7, explaining he rejected Hutchings’ petition and agreed with an arbitrator’s previous decision.

• This

Two Fashion Write-Ups In A Week?! You're Too Generous, EADJ.

"Who am I? I'm Batman's cousin Stephanie. I live in Hartford, Connecticut."

Yeah, that's right. I'm taking a photo of your big ass at Ihop. Your big ass overflowing them big jeans like whipped cream over an overfilled mocha shake. That's right. What are you gonna do? Click.

"Captain's log. Stardate 310624.3248140559. As I was examining the integrity of the scaffold-like structures of 43rd Street in Manhattan, I could sense someone following me with a cell phone camera, ready to snap a photo and criticize my Next Generation-like ensemble. I'll bide my time and hit him with a rock around the next corner, like I did the Gorn..."

Commuter math:

Unprepared + downpour + supporting local business + ingenuity = shopping bag hat.

Shopping bag hat, y'all.

Inspiration can come from anywhere. So when designing a layout, it's okay to get as reference whatever is stuck in the bun of your hair.

An Imagined Conversation

Hey Maxie, put Bobby on. It's Todd. No, I can't wait. Put him on now.

(waits)

Bobby. Hey Bobby. It's Todd. You didn't unlock the freight entrance. No, you said you'd unlock it as soon as you were in, and I'm outside standing with a loop of tube like an asshole...No, I don't care what happened. Come around back and unlock the door so I can get in...What? A loop of tube. It's the tube for the ventilation install but rolled up in a loop. A LOOP of tube... No, come out now. I don't care if something came up... The what? Yeah, I don't care about that. We can take care of both of those later. I'm standing outside with this loop of tube looking like an asshole, so hurry up and come arou... Hah? What the heck does that mean? Look, I know we got a lot of job orders before Friday, and we got a whole list right after we install the... just come around and unlock the friggin' door, will ya, Bobby? Come on.

No, I ain't yellin' at you 'cause I'm mad at you. I'm yellin' because...

A LOOP of tube. It's a length of tube, like 50 feet, rolled in a loop. Wh.. why can't you hear me? Do you want to use the walkies? I'm like, thirty feet away from you, Bobby. A LOOP. Of TUBE.

What do you mean nobody says that? It's ventilation tubing, five inch, corrugated black plastic. And it's in a loop. I'm standing out here like an asshole holding a giant loop. Or hoop. Hoop sounds weird.

Are you gonna open the door, Bobby? I got some guy here now taking a photo of me with his cell phone, and I don't wanna end up on his blog like an asshole, standing here with a giant loop of tube.

Come on, Bobby, you're killing me.

EADJ Semi-regular Fashion Write-Up

I'm sure the greatest challenge is some social circles is to find the ugliest coat on the discount fur rack and just work it like it's never been worked before.

Gerbil fur with pin stripes? FUCK IT. Put on some multi-buckle knee-high boots and a leather messenger bag and just MAKE THAT FUCKIN' THING WORK, GODDAMMIT.

"Excuse me, my good fellow! Please pardon the intrusion, but I seem to be turned around here! If you could be so good as to direct me to the Montclair-Boonton train, which from my understanding is scheduled to depart this very station at precisely 4:12 pm– oh, excuse me madam- and whose boarding should have been announced a good 3 minutes ago according to my pocketwatch... You see, I am running late for an old fashioned fishmongers convention, yes, I sell haddock in Cheshire back in 1920's England. Oh. I see you are holding a coffee cup full of your own urine. I shall bid my leave now. A good morrow to you, stranger!"

Spotted in New York. Obviously.

When Mom told you to dress in layers, she didn't mean a hoodie under a tank top over a t-shirt over leggings with a scarf and fanny pack and a what the fuck is going on here. Who told this lady to wear an entire yard sale? No, wait. Does that tank top have a hood? And if this clarifies anything for you, yes, I did hear her speak in an English accent.

Just so you know, there's nude leggings, and then there's really nude leggings. And I am not kidding you– I spotted Slim Goodbody here in front of the Fashion Institute of Technology.

Hey dude, you probably think you look like Kris Kristofferson in "Blade," but the truth is you look like Wilford Brimley at a leather bar. Or maybe he's a swashbuckling rogue with the umbrella? Pain.

Spotted at the Jersey Shore- one of the biggest and grodiest fucking white woman dreadlocks I have ever witnessed up close. I'm pretty sure raccoons would skitter away from how unsanitary that thing is.

And if you look closely at this photo, you can also catch some sandals and socks action as well as a really huge ass in the background. Bonus!