An Imagined Conversation

"You unimaginative hack!"

"You backstabbing prick!"

"Whoa whoa whoa. Jared. Allison. What's going on here?"

"Hey Maxine. I'm glad your here. You can finally settle this."

"Settle what, Jared?"

"I just sent the new APPROVED ketchup label along with the specs to the printer, but Allison here suddenly has a problem with it now."

"You're damn right I do, and you tried to sneak it past me, you steamrolling prick!"

"Allison. We're all on the same brand team, here. Let's not use personal attacks. So what's the problem with the label, Allison?"

"Remember that design review last week when we recapped the typeface placement at the top?"

"Yes."

"Well, Maxine, look closely."

"..."

"Do you see it?"

"Wait. The hyphen is upside down now."

"Fucking THANK YOU."

"It's not upside down, Maxine. I saw it as an art mistake."

"But we approved it last week, Jared, you asshole."

"Yes it WAS approved. But I saw that it was a droplet that was mistakenly upside down and I corrected it before it went out."

"Why the fuck would there be a droplet in the place of an apostrophe, you dimwit?"

"Because it's a goddamned KETCHUP DROPLET on a goddamned KETCHUP BOTTLE, you cow!"

"Guys, guys guys. This is not constructive. We have to either let it go as is now or pull the entire label print run which will push us back two weeks. What's it gonna be?"

*conference door opens*

"Oh! I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm Seth, the new intern. I was just going to clean the room before the next meeting... oh hey, that's cool. A droplet as the apostrophe? Very cute detail! Okay, sorry to interrupt your brainstorm, guys. I'll come back later!"

Well, Lookie There. It's Time Once Again To Say Goodbye To All The Shit Advertisers Want You To Say Goodbye To

Goodbye! *kiss* Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye-bye!

The Conflict Between the Heroes of "Goo Hit Zu: Galaxy Attack" Gets Ugly

The ongoing so-called "Galaxy Attack" conflict between the Sun Fire Blazagon and the Dark Matter Terrack has reached its eight year in a "Cosmic Fury", prompting those witnessing the conflict to question if there is an end in sight or if the two sides will engage in battle forever.

The self-professed "Super Gooey" Sun Fire Blazagon has never been above personal attacks, calling his opponent a "race traitor to cosmic dinosaurs" and suggesting on Twitter that Terrack sexually harasses his interns. He's also taken out full-sized hologram ads on the Galactic News Feed urging the Goo Hit Zu authorities to inspect Terrack's home for illegal stretch steroids.

Not one to stand down from a fight, the indignant "Dark Matter" Terrack has replied to Blazagon's accusations, saying he's a "lying sack of goo" and insisting he's always been transparent about not using steroids. "SEE MY BONES!" he insists, "I'M SUPER SCRUNCHY!" Terrack has most recently driven by Blazagon's house and thrown dark matter at his dog and children.

The two are expected to debate next Friday at the Galactic Union Hall. Sun Fire fans and Dark Matter enthusiasts are expected to clash, so added security has been hired by the authorities.

New EADJ Segment: DoorDash Photography Critique!

This new segment will offer a balanced critique of Doordash (and sometimes Amazon) delivery photography, examining the composition, lighting and overall aesthetic beauty of their shots. Three factors that will be at the center of each critique are intent, skill, and consistency. Let's begin:

"Dunkin Donuts" by Miguel from DoorDash

It's pretty apparent that Miguel has a good eye for composition. He clearly understands the Rule of 3s, allowing the neatly stacked Dunkin bag to take up a good third of the horizontal space. And whether by luck or design, Miguel has allowed the dappled light of sunrise through the tree leaves to enhance the dimensionality of the bag, casting a stark shadow against the wall that echoes the shape of the mailbox. Exquisite!

A random detail: The initials "WCM" appear to be spelt in the leaf shadows at the bottom. A mystery!

Overall grade: A-

Although Miguel didn't incorporate the theme of donuts in his photo, the overall effect is truly artistic and worthy of prominent wall space in the DoorDash Gallery in Washington, DC.

Ummm...

I'm guessing someone named their beloved pets after former presidents, and not their kids?

"Who pooped on the carpet? Was that you, Obama?"

Dear Hollywood:

Can we lay off of the neon movie posters for a while? My rods and cones are burning. And two of these are your doing, Taika Waititi!

Dear Ice Cream and Pizza:

STAY IN YOUR LANE. Nobody wants ice cream served up like pizza, and no one wants pizza served up like ice cream. Or pizza flavored ice cream, or ice cream flavored pizza, or any iteration of any of that shit. Ice cream rules. Pizza rules. DON'T MIX THE TWO THINGS BECAUSE THAT WILL SUCK.

No, random dude from Episode 2 of Ms. Marvel. I'm serious.

CUT IT OUT, ICE CREAM AND PIZZA.