What Not To Wear. Ever.

Spotted in the security line at the Newark Airport, black leggings over pink frilly panties. I will repeat that. Black leggings OVER pink frilly panties.




"Shee-it. I know I look good."

Churchwear.

Recently the Metro New York reported that Lady GaGa attended her sister's graduation at the Convent of the Sacred Heart. She reportedly wore "a see-through white pantsuit and black hat and veil" to the ceremony.

With her being Italian and Catholic, it's likely she attends all Holy Days of Obligation. Here's a brief list of upcoming Holy Days on the Roman Catholic Liturgical calendar and the outfits she'll be wearing:


• Assumption of Mary (Sunday, August 15)
Gold lamé tube top, hula skirt made of turkey bacon strips, purple snow boots

• All Saints Day (Monday, November 1)
Pair of short shorts made from Kathleen Turner's cuticles, collander helmet, bra on fire, Sansabelt belt

• First Sunday of Advent (Sunday, November 28)
Athletic supporter head-dress, solid marble hoop skirt, roller blades that scream Spanish, full beard made from pencil sharpener shavings and moss, blouse made from angry stares of other churchgoers

• Immaculate Conception (Wednesday, December 8)
Assless polar bear chaps, sunglasses made from AOL 6.0 sample discs, live Jack Russell terrier bustier, scuba mask inside deep water diving mask filled with Eckerd's-brand hand sanitizer.

Mailwar: Returning Fire

On June 6, we covered a bizarre package sent to this editor from Mig Ponce– a pair of Laura Branigan pens. So naturally, we had to respond by logging onto LauraBraniganOnline.com and purchasing something for Mig. So we found that they sell "Classic Signature Logo" CD cases, a tribute to the days in the 80's when people owned something called "compact discs."

Hoping to skip the piddly tit-for-tat nature of these type of things, we ordered THREE of them for Mig.


And it's good to see that they arrived safely:

Coming Soon To The EADJ Crappinema: Either "A Night In Compton" or "Jeremy's Family Reunion."

Now, the reason why I haven't picked one or the other is because they're both equally crappy looking. The question is whether I want to spend two hours watching some guy named Zion home from college for Christmas break "who has one night to consummate his newly-formed relationship with Lanise" or some young corporate attorney named Jeremy who's introducing his beautiful white fiancée to the wild and crazy characters in his "dirty south family."


I'm leaning toward the ribald sexual comedy more so than the preachy "message" comedy about remembering your roots. So "A Night In Compton" it probably is.

Baby Float.

Baby float.

You read that right. Baby float. He float and he float now.

Look, baby float because baby want to float. Baby don't float because you ask baby to, or because you trick baby into, or because you force baby to. Baby float on baby's own terms, and that's that.

Where do baby float? Where do you think, idiot? In pool. Baby float in pool. Baby surprised you even asked where. When baby say 'baby float,' 'pool' is understood in subtext. Baby don't float in ocean or lagoon. That shit has tides.

Baby float. That's right. Baby float as long as baby want to, not because someone set a timer on baby or pool. "Clear the pool," lifeguard often say so lifeguard can do a few laps, but fuck that, baby float.

"Baby can't live in a vacuum," you say, "And no man is an island." Well, baby is no man, so baby can BE an island, because baby float. Just like island. And baby inflate float with air, so baby don't know why you talking about vacuum cleaners.

Baby float. That is fact of life that you are going to have to live with. Dog bark, bird fly, baby float.

That new Lady GaGa video is interesting.

In case you're wondering, that not Mommy in skinny yellow bikini near baby. That Meghan, baby's babysitter. Meghan's wan smile indicate that Meghan not really want to be at pool since ex-boyfriend hang out there all time. But who gives a shit, baby gotta float. And Meghan get paid good rate so Meghan should smile for real and stop bitching. Let baby float.

Baby float June 11, 2010. Baby gotta remember this moment, because baby gotta get job in 18 years. 2028? Something like that. Math hard to baby. Maybe after baby work a long, successful career and retire early, baby can go back to float full time. That would be nice. But for now, baby fucking float.

Baby float.

Finally, An All-Andrew Gall Edition of Smecial Dreams

This should give everyone great insight into the inner workings of the mind of Andrew Gall.







So, to recap: the G.I. Joe movie, flamingos, karate chopping deep sea divers, colorful wall scribblings, an angry guy named Christian, Vince's chihuahua, a guy who swallows saws, Matt Leblanc and lizard racial slurs. Everyone got that?

Wal-Mart is More Pathmark Than Pathmark